As mentioned in an another thread, I am in the midst of some marital difficulties. Mrs. Rhymer has announced her desire to – well, that’s iffy. She won’t say, or can’t say, whether she wants a divorce or a separation. But she has moved out and taken her clothes, books, and computer, but nothing else. She says she has not hired a lawyer. She has not had a job for some time now, and even when she did, I was the person supporting the family.
This news left me devastated for about 24 hours, as I don’t want even a separation, much less a divorce. I still don’t, but I am not an idiot. So this morning, before work, I went to the bank and removed exactly half of the money from our joint accounts and opened new accounts at another bank, instructing the CSR to make specific notes on thew new accounts that no one is allowed to access the account without the password (so SSM and MMN alone won’t get her information). I am also cutting the direct deposit into the account, and this weekend I will change the locks.
Now, please note that I am not asking for legal advice. I am asking for opinions on whether my doing this could be creepy, controlling, or manipulative. I have a history of engaging in such behavior and I am determined not to repeat it with Kim. I THINK I’m just being prudent, but I would not mind other opinions.
I think you’re being prudent. Since your wife is unwilling to discuss things with you, you’d be a fool not to plan for the worst (but still hope for the best.)
Controlling/Manipulative would require that you move ALL the money to a protected account. As you describe it, you are merely protecting one half of the funds. This indicates a lack of trust on your part, but under the circumstances you’ve described (I’ve read your other thread), I think that may be entirely appropriate; I’d probably be doing the same thing.
The locks? Reasonable, as long as you grant her access (if only under your supervision) when she asks.
Why change the locks? I would think that if she showed up to talk and found that she was locked out she might be very put off. What are you trying to prevent by denying her access to the house?
I don’t think it’s controlling, at least in regards to your bank accounts. How is making sure that she doesn’t clean out your accounts controlling? Taking more than half would be, but you’re not doing that.
I suppose one might consider the change of locks differently, because once you’ve changed them you’re limiting her access to her remaining belongings and making her confront you to get to them, but what’s the alternative: potentially coming home and finding all your stuff is gone too? You will allow an authorized third party acting on her behalf - one you are home to supervise - to come for the rest of her stuff at some point, right?
Yes, I think those are reasonable, careful moves to make. If you’d taken all the money, that would be very very wrong, but taking half seems fair to me.
From the thread title, I thought you were contemplating following her or going to chew out her pastor or something.
You’re not doing anything wrong, just protecting your own interests. “Creepy or controlling” would be trying to interfere with her actions or decisions, which you are not doing.
I think it would be a nice gesture to inform her and give her an option to get her stuff before changing the locks. The scene if she shows up and is surprised to find them changed probably won’t be pretty. Is her name on the lease/ mortgage? That would add to her expectation of being able to access the house.
Moving half the joint account into a personal account: shows a little lack of trust, but is prudent and reasonable.
Moving the direct deposit to new personal account: similar slight lack of trust, still prudent, but a little less reasonable. I have no idea about your state’s law, but if you were supporting her with that income, she still has some expectation of support.
Changing the locks to your previously shared home: shows a clear lack of trust, is less prudent or reasonable because you’re denying her access to her own property plus your joint property.
I think 1 and 2 are probably all right. You might consider moving a reasonable allowance from each of your paychecks to the joint account to show your good faith. Number 3 sends a signal you don’t want her coming back. I wouldn’t consider 3 unless you have specific reasons to believe she would trash or steal you stuff. And even then it still makes you look like the bad guy.
The more I think about the changing the locks thing, the less good an idea I think it is. If her name is on the mortgage, then it could well be illegal and you could land yourself in a very bad place. I’d ask a lawyer before going down that road.
The first two sound like very good ideas. The lock changing thing I would hesitate to do. If you want to protect your things you might move all of your stuff into a single room and lock that door instead of the entire house.