I would say that moving your money may give you more protection, but does not move you closer to not getting a divorce. Marriage requires vulnerability.
Everything except for changing the locks is wise.
Underlining mine. I agree except I’m iffy about the underlined part. It would say to me, “You’re afraid I’m going to steal your stuff” for sure but it may not mean “I don’t want you ever to come back.” Also, if she returns home and finds the locks have been changed, it will probably be taken as a total slap in the face.
I agree.
Thing is, I think you want her back…or at least, don’t want to rule out that possibility. Many ppl would view your actions as “tip of the iceberg” stuff, like if you’re changing the locks, what else might you be doing that I don’t know about?
I think you’re walking a tightrope here. If you do in fact want the option of reconciliation, I’d be as open and above board as possible with her in the hope of damage control. You know her and I don’t, but would her thought process be, ‘He’s already divided the account…he’s already decided this is over’? Also she may question why you moved money. ‘Was it used to retain a lawyer?’
I’d strerss that these steps you’er taking are to protect BOTH of you. You will not be able to accuse her of waltzing into the house and taking stuff, and she won’t be able to take stuff. Similarly, she will not be able to take money that is not (in some way) rightfully hers.
I view it as the move of someone who doesn’t want a divorce, but isn’t a blind moron either. Supposedly she’s found Jesus (hey, there he is!!!) but you’d be surprised what even God-fearing people can justify.
Do you really want to go there? That earning the money makes you entitled to take the money? Marriage is a partnership and the value that one brings into a marriage goes way beyond the dollar amount each individual earns.
Setting up and account with half the money seems fine as she appears to have no way to support herself and you can envision her draining the account. However, I wouldn’t change the locks unless you can envision a scenario where she would be a danger to you or your personal (not community) property.
Did I say he should take all the money? No, I didn’t. I said that taking half was more than fair, and reasonable. It is.
That’s a very rational way of looking at it.
I’m not entirely sure that we’re dealing with someone who’s entirely rational right now, though.
Right. But you coupled it with “you earned it” and only taking half was “more than fair” which suggests he has more right to it because of that. It’s that attitude I’m commenting on.
One pro-locks argument: if she has a new place, you don’t have keys to it. It’s her sanctuary, separate from you. Why can’t you have the same?
Well, he did earn it. But I never said he had “more right” to it. I said the since he earned it, taking half was fair and reasonable. Any other interpretation is in your mind, not mine.
He can, as long as her name isn’t on the lease or title. That’s the legal sticking point I’m worried about. I don’t think you can lock someone out of their own place.
He could rent a new place too, if he wanted to. But their home is their home. He doesn’t have any more right to it than she does (YMMV depending on a bunch of legal factor I’m completely ignorant of).
You could consider putting in digital locks. These have more than one combination which you could give her. Then if you don’t want her to have access you disable her code without there being an obvious change.
You cannot legally lock your spouse out of the house. Until you are actually separated or divorced, she has as much right to live/be in the house as you do.
From personal experience (in Georgia anyway), I purchased our home completely on my own, in my name only, made all the payments myself, and even then, I could not evict my (now ex-) husband when I wanted to separate. He ended up cleaning me out, even took our son’s bed.
Oh well, won’t happen again…
First, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. You’re one of the bright spots of the boards, and have all my best wishes.
I’m not sure if I would have changed the locks, but not sure I wouldn’t have either. Absolutely, positively let her know about the locks ASAP if not sooner. For her, hearing the locks have been changed is much better than finding out by not having her key work. When you tell her include an offer (more or less cordial and open, depending on how ya’ll are right then) to arrange a time she can get any stuff that she wants.
I’d be all for the locks except that it may be a legal issue (yeah, she didn’t exactly give you a key to her new place, did she?) I’ve heard of major legal problems ensuing from this kind of thing, though.
The bank account thing is perfectly reasonable and prudent.
WRT changing locks…IANAL but it seems like he could at least try to appeal to her sense of fairness and if she doesn’t push the legal angle, maybe it would work out.
WRT money: Naturally, 50/50 split. He might further sell the idea by saying that they can avoid looking over each other’s shoulder. If she needs a new couch for her place and spends $1000 on it, it doesn’t raise an alarm on his radar, that sort of thing. Again, IANAL but hopefully they can avoid some problems without resorting to lawyers.
Well, then I don’t know what the point of saying that it was “more than fair” because he “earned it” to take only half the money. It was exactly fair, as it would have been for her as well.
OK- I’ll take you at your word that you don’t mean that earning the money gives you more right (even moral right) to it than the person who didn’t earn it.
Hijack over, for me.
I think that taking the money is smart as you don’t want to wind up with her cleaning out the accounts and you having to fight to get them back. The locks could be a tricky situation.
I think that you might want to meet with a lawyer and figure out what your rights and duties are. I’m not saying that you should file for divorce but you really should definitely be prepared by knowing what the procedure is and what each of you is entitled to under the law.
I think you’re doing the right thing with the money but I don’t think changing the locks is the right way to go. It pretty much says that you don’t trust her not to steal from you and you’ve already moved on with your life. I don’t remember who said it but I’d move items that are important to you to a room you can lock and lock that but leave the home open for her to return to.