As outlined in this thread, my partner and I are splitting up. I am going through the refinancing process right now to get her off the loan and the deed to our house. The offical refi date will probably not be until the end of next week or sometime the week following.
The ex, who I’ll hereby refer to as Princess has finally found a place to move to. (She’s currently residing in the house with me) Tonight we’re going to go through some of our things to determine what things belong to whom. Her plan, is to hopefully be out by this weekend, meaning, having her bed and such at the new place so she can start sleeping there by Monday. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she is able to pull this off because it’s getting damned annoying having her there. It’s been “amicable” for the most part but she’s been pulling alot of passive-aggressive bullshit so I can’t wait to be rid of her.
If she does, in fact, start sleeping at the new place, I intend on having the locks changed at the house. I don’t plan on telling her that they’re changed until after she’s gone. I know that there will still be things left in the house for her to get at a later date and I have no intention of standing in her way. I just don’t want her to come in any damn time she feels like it once she’s moved out, if for no other reason than my own sense of emotional security. My home is my sanctum sanctorum and I have sat quietly up to this point while she took her sweet time trying to make new living arrangements.
Am I wrong to change the locks like that? I know she will be pissed off because she keeps throwing up in my face the fact that she still “owns half the house.” This may be true on paper for now but I am actively trying to change that. Also, today is May 1st and she’s also still on the loan and I could, if I wanted to, play hardball, ask her for money for every day she continues to reside at the house during this month. I figure if she gives me guff about the locks being changed, I’ll tell her to take me to court if she feels the need.
Like I said, I an not going to stand in the way of her getting the rest of her things, I just want to be there when she does.
I’d appreciate any guidance from my fellow Dopers on this matter. Thank you.
Been there. Change the locks. there are several good reasons for this
It provides closure or finality to her. You can say all the things you want and not mean them, you can claim ownership or not, those are all philosophical. Changing the locks is final and definite. It says “This isn’t your home anymore”.
It provides closure for you. If you’re like me, you’ll be surprised at how happy you will feel while you change them.
If you think about it, it’s in Princess’ best interest that you change the locks. Imagine you don’t change the locks. Imagine stuff shows up missing at your house. Was it a burgular? Was it your imagination? Did you forget to lock the door, or… was it Princess? If she really has no interest in returning, she should be glad to know that she is relieved of any responsibility should something happen.
Her returning her key does not equal you changing the locks, by the way. Change them, do it right now, you’ll feel miles better.
By the way, when I was in the same situation, the cops showed up a year later looking for my ex for unpaid debt. She had been continuing to claim my house as her residence (although I was the sole owner.) It was nice being able to say “No, she isn’t here and I don’t know where she is. The day she left I changed the locks.” The cop responded “Smart move on your part.”
Go ahead and change the locks. I assume you don’t have keys to her new place, even though that is beside the point. You have a right to privacy in your domicile. You have this right even if you are renting, so it does not matter if she is still half owner.
Definitely change the locks. If she mentions her name being on the loan, insist that she pay half the house payment if she wants access to the house anytime she wants.
Okay. I have just gotten divorced (less than two weeks ago). My ex-husband is still in the house that we own (and that I am providing money to pay for, so it’s a little different), while I’ve moved back in with my mom. Our split has been fairly amicable.
That would end in a fucking nanosecond if he changed the locks while I still had stuff in there (which I do; not much, but I do). I might be a little more forgiving if he told me first. Might.
If you’re going to do it, tell her. Not telling her is cowardly, and is just as passive-aggressive as she’s being. Not that I know how passive-aggressive she’s being, but changing the locks without telling the person is pretty bad on that scale.
ETA: I agree with changing the locks in your case. But, for god’s sake, tell her you’re doing it.
Your replies are right on par with my thinking. I can’t just waltz into her place any old time and I expect her to not do the same in my place. In spite of the fact that she may say she wouldn’t just show up without my knowledge, I need the peace of mind that she couldn’t get in even if she did show up. I especially have such strong feelings about it since she’s become quite the barfly and I don’t trust some of her new “friends.”
ETA: Thank you too Angel of The Lord
I have also been in the situation of not being allowed in a home that I owned pending a divorce. It sucks, but then so did the whole process, and now it is over and I don’t worry or think about it anymore.
Change the locks, don’t tell her. She will never know the locks have been changed if she respects your privacy, and does not pop over unannounced to root through the belongings. If she does try to pull that shit, she deserves the hurt feelings she gets when she finds out you “don’t trust her anymore.” In any case, there is nothing that she can do about it as long as she has reasonable access to her belongings on your terms.
I understand where your coming from but she will not be paying anything to me for household expenses for the month of May. If I could trust her, then I might tell her what I’m going to do, but I don’t trust her. She lost that trust. She has been dragging her feet about moving out and although she has had a month, Princess has not packed one single item to get prepared for the move. Instead of packing she has gone out to the bars every single night. She will continue to drag this out, especially if I tell her beforehand what my intentions are.
It may be passive-aggressive on my part but it will keep me sane if I wait. I know if I tell her what I’m going to do there will be a shitstorm and I don’t have the emotional energy for that right now. So far, everything has been conducted in such a way to make it easier on her. She has not given thought to nor respected how all of this affects me. This one thing, I’m doing for me, to make it easier for me for once.
I’m going against the flow here and will say Don’t change them until the paperwork is final. Until then, it’s still her place too, and she has the legal right to come in any time she wants until it’s officially not hers.
You can, however, ask her to make a date to pick stuff up. Unless the entire civility of the thing has crashed and burned, she should be able to agree to stop by at 7pm on a Tuesday to pick up her stuff.
Sorry Angel, I have to disagree. Telling her is just inviting trouble.
Think of it this way - I change the locks on *my * house it’s *my * business. Nothing I need to share with anyone, it’s just a thing I did to my house like cleaning the gutters.
On the other hand, I call up my ex and say “I’m changing the locks on the house to prevent you from entering” (and no matter how I phrase it, this is the message that will be sent,) now it’s an attack. Instead of doing something to my house, I’m doing something to my ex. See? It becomes an attack, which demands a response.
Well I do plan on giving her a date when everything needs to be out, and I will be very reasonable about making the time to have her come over to get her things. Anything that’s left after that date I will throw in a box, set the box in the driveway and tell her to get it by the end of the next day or she can go to the Goodwill Store to buy it all back. Sounds hardore but this ain’t my first Rod-eee-o and I’m done being trampled on.
The Chao Goes Mu - I would wait until the closing on the house. Tell her now that you expect her to have her stuff out by closing. As soon as you’ve closed and the house is yours, change the locks. She should have no reason to go over there at that point. Don’t allow yourself to become the repository of her junk, which will allow her to continue to insert herself into your life. After closing, if her stuff is still there, pack it up and give her the boxes.
Your relationship may not be a legal matter. The ownership of your house is, and her name is currently on the deed (however short term). Furthermore, you will be barring her access to personal possessions that you both agree are hers. You should get some legal advice on this, but barring that (and coming from someone with no law background):
I’d tell her your plans, and get her to sign an acknowledgement to that effect, perhaps in exchange for letting her off the hook for her May mortgage payments. Work out some deal to either schedule a time for her to get her belongings, or put them into storage.
I’m still leaning on changing them once her hat is being hung in a new abode. I know that legally the place will still be half hers for the next two weeks but I will be quite fair about making arrangements for her to get the stuff she can’t get this weekend. Like I said, I’m not changing the locks to be a bitch, I’m changing them for my peace of mind.
I agree with** Plynck.** I was part of a legal situation where the person who changed the locks was found to be at fault because the house was still considered the ex’s domicile. Talk to a lawyer.
I would also change the locks but only once you’ve closed. Although you may be making all the payments now, as noted earlier, as long as the deed has her name on it, the house is half hers. If you change the locks and she decides to stir up shit because of it (I probably would), you may wind up with a court order to change them back and/or some sort of financial penalty, especially if her stuff is still in the house. Of course, I’m no lawyer, so I’m kind of making this up as I go, but that’s what happened to my dad who tried to do the same with his ex.
Your position isn’t unreasonable; however, until her name is off that document, you can’t legally prevent her from entering something considered partially her property. Just my opinion, though.
Change the damn locks the minute she leaves; if she wants free access, she can pay her share of the house payment. If you give her free access, put all your stuff in one room and put a padlock on it. There is no such thing as an amicable break up.