We broke up.

Some of you may remember me from such threads as; What Can I expect from an A.A. meeting?

Well, one of the issues was that my partner had laid down an ultimatum and I got help, have remained sober and yet she still chose to leave me.

Now the things I never mentioned in the other thread, as it was about A.A. not about my relationship is that she is also an alcoholic. Yet she decided to leave me due to my drinking. Let me give you a little back story. My former SO is 8 years younger than me. Since moving in together 4 years ago (we’ve been together almost 5) I have supported her financially through having a good job, then buying a house together, her getting fired, her being unemployed, her working shit jobs, then getting a potential good job which took her 2 years of being underpaid and at the very bottom rung of the ladder and never knowing when or if it would turn into a peramanent position.
We’ve had the typical issues of any couple, working on communication, her lack of helping around the house, my dealing with clinical depression.etc. But, we were in love, she always told me how happy she was and that she thought we fit together like puzzle pieces. Everything was fine until the end of February of this year. She got her promotion, a humongous raise and a permanent postion at work. (We went week to week for 1 1/2 years never knowing if her gig would be up) All looked rosy. After draining my savings account that I had before we even got together to pay the mortgage while she was unemployed, after putting off returning to school until things stabilized, after living hand-to-mouth and believing everything would be ok, she dumps me.

About 2 weeks after she locks in the job she makes a new friend. A woman who is an alcoholic of epic proportions. We all hang out together but their incessant flirting did not go unnoticed. But, I tell myself, the SO is quite a flirt and has always had a habit of glomming onto people, even adopting their mannerisms and interests as her own. (Hello red flag, nice to meet ya.) But this time she starts to spend just about every evening hanging out drinking with this woman (who was in a 12 year relationship at the time) talking on the phone or texting her. I start to get suspicious but keep my mouth shut. She mentions that they just have a connection, but you know, only as friends. Riiiight.
The SO’s drinking increases and she starts adding 101 proof liquor to the mix which goes way beyond the beer she usually drinks. She lets the new friend drive her around all the while this woman is chugging beer and liquor as she’s sailing down the road. My SO would give me shit if I drank a single beer then drove somewhere. (She NEVER drove when we went anywhere because she wanted to drink and a DUI would cost her her job) :rolleyes:
o one night a month ago, I’m on the verge of falling apart due to suspecting an affair. She and I have not one but two bottles of wine that night. I ask her outright if something is going one. She denies it. Then says she’s going to meet this woman at a bar (we live within walking distance to downtown)
She leaves and I lose it. I call a friend and tell him what’s going on. He definitely things something is going on and tells me that he and all of our friends were fed up with the way she verbally abused me all the time. I get more and more depressed and I grab the bottle of gin and take several generous gulps. I hang up and proceed to pass out on the living room floor with the bottle still in my hand. She comes home and finds me tits over ass on the floor and apparently I called her names and accused her of cheating on me.
This was not one of my finer moments my friends. I decide to slow up on the drinking but it’s hard because she drinks every single day and in spite of asking me to stop drinking would be popping open a beer and offering me one at the same time. She wanted to constantly go out and of course the town drunk (the woman mentioned above) would always be there too. But hey, we started talking and I was truly determined to get my drinking under control in spite of the fact that she refused to recognize her own drinking patterns as unhealthy.

A couple of more weeks go by and things seem to be fine with the exception of her infatuation with the female version of W.C. Fields. She wants to have sex all of the time all of the sudden (that was a red flag that did not go unnoticed by the way). Then, she starts acting weird, not eating, having trouble sleeping and she won’t tell me why. My thought was that she was lovesick for the reincarnation of Foster Brooks. But she’s mum about it. Then at the end of March, one week after Kitty Dukakis dumps her partner of 12 years, my SO wakes me at 4 in the morning to tell me she’s no longer happy and and isn’t so sure she can do the relationship anymore and that my being passed out on the floor and calling her names was burned so deeply in her brain that she couldn’t forgive me. She says she will dump for sure if I don’t get help but may dump me anyway because she’ not happy/ . I decide to go to A.A. She starts spending every evening in a bar with Betty Ford. I tell her I need her support to help me quit drinking but she says that it’s my problem not hers. (anyone picking up on the irony here)

Then finally, after 2 weeks of her sitting in a bar while I’m at A.A. meetings I tell her that if she can’t support me in this, and if she’s going to continue to drink every day I can’t have her living in the house. She leaves for a few days. At this point I’m still going to A.A. and am still sober, and she’s still unsure if she wants to work on our relationship. I tell her that I’m not sitting around while she contemplates our future while hovering over a pint of beer and I tell her that if she wants to work on it we’re off to counseling and if not we’re done. She tells me there’s nothing to save anymore, it wouldn’t be worth it. Oh and she’s actually been unhappy for a WHOLE YEAR but didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me. She’s incredibly altrustic, that girl. So in that year, we’ve shelled out alot of money, planning for our future, I signed up for classes at the university that are starting May 19th. (I can’t afford to attend now, thank you very much) we made plans for doing some upgrades on the house.
All the while, she maintains that there is nothing going on between her and Keith Richards’ twin sister. Now all over town, people thing they are together because they’re inseparable and how dare I accuse her of having an affair? Did I mention that on the very day that I had hit my alcoholic bottom my dearest texted Ms Cirrhosis 155 times. Yes 155 times that very day, all the while she was at work at a job where being caught doing that on the job could mean termination since she’s still on her 90 days probation. 130 of those texts were before she met Twatwaffle at the bar.
So here we are, broken up, she’s still living in our goddammed house which I am going to try to keep but we are both on the loan and the deed. She just wants to be able to take a nosedive off the loan and then go rent a house. My friends are telling me that she can’t do that and that the bank may force us into foreclosure if one of us tries to refinance. I see a lawyer next week to see what I can do about keeping my house and about getting her the hell out of it.
Dammit, I told a friend of mine back in September that I often wondered if once she got the job that she would find a reason to leave me.
I could take unhappiness, I could take it being another woman, but I can’t take that she scapegoated my drinking as the reason to make her smell like a goddamn rose in all of this.
She’s mad at me because all of our friends are pissed at her although I actually have nothing to do with that. They think she used me, they think she’s an alcoholic and they all think she’s sleeping with Liza Minelli’s evil twin.
I don’t even know what to believe anymore, I’m crushed.

By the way, I’m still going to A.A. and I’m still sober.

Sorry for the winded rant and I apologize that it’s so disjointed. Sleep deprivation is getting the best of me.


I only have a few things to say.

  1. You’re better off without her
  2. DO NOT stop your recovery
  3. Get a lawyer. It looks like you’re in a tangle of financial chaos with your ex, and you’re going to need help unraveling it.

I know things look dark right now, but you have good friends who know what a bitch she is, and you will get through this.

Look at it this way…if she keeps going the way she’s going, she’s going to come crashing down all on her own, and you don’t want to be hit with any of the debris.

Onward and upward, my friend!

That really sucks. On the other hand, it is awesome and amazing that you’ve continued with sobriety even though all this has been happening in your life. Congratulations.

Hey, I’m sorry about the shit you’re going through. Stay sober, and good on you for doing so this far! Things will eventually get better.

Hang in there, Chao. As others have said, keep sober and see your attorney. It does sound as if you have some decent friends who have your back.

Thanks everyone. My therapist seems to be convinced that if I can maintain sobriety through such a stressful time that my odds for successfully leading a sober life will greatly improve.

I am very fortunate. I have a wonderful support system. My friends and family are great. I always thought so but I’ve truly seen how much they care as they all stand behind me, giving me the push I need to get out of this mess, both from the grips of alcohol and the poisonous relationship.

What she said. And may I applaud you on your creative nick-naming of the person (I can’t come up with anything appropriately creative and insulting) she’s been seeing.

Applaud away! I’m always up for a confidence booster these days. :slight_smile:

Thank you.

Best wishes. Stick with the soberity, it sounds like the best thing your ex may have left you with was the kick in the butt to get sober. Besides, living well is the best revenge.

I’m sorry you invested that much time and energy into someone who seems to be such a taker.


Chin up, and yay for staying off the bottle.

The thing that eats me up the most, even more so than the fact that she used me, is the fact that she’s still in the house. Her take is that since she’s on the loan and deed she gets to stay there as long as she needs to to find a place.
Yeah, whatever, fine and good, she may currently have legal claim but she’s just squatting there. She gets home from work, changes clothes, goes out then returns and goes to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This is my home and she’s just walking around pissing on everything. We’re being civil but that doesn’t stop the desire to hit her in the face with a frying pan.

I’m hoping that my lawyer will know of some legal way I can get her out of the house so I can pick up the pieces and move on.

She’s right. You’ve already done great, staying sober while your girlfriend was out drinking all the time. Just keep it up. Proud of you.

You are better off without her. Alcoholics are terrible in the sack anyway.

:smiley: and let’s jut leave it at that. :wink:

Some nights a sponsor’s phone number is more useful than a wining lottery number. Have you asked anyone to be yours?

Not yet.

I’m sorry to hear your tale. Best wishes for you and your sobriety.

You are having a time, Chao, and kudos to you for continuing going to AA meetings. I can’t believe she’d stay in the house; that’s beyond my comprehension. But, I’ve been in incomprehensible situations myself, so I kinda-sorta understand (ex-husband alcoholic for me). I’ll offer a prayer for you!

[Pointless Rant About Selfish Cheaters Deleted]

Stay strong Chao. She’s not done using you.

That’s all well and good, but is she continuing to pay her share of the bills? And is she drinking in front of you?

Get thee to a lawyer, and quickly. She needs to get out of the house, and the sooner the better.