I’ve been in a relationship for the past two years. In the beginning, it was very intense. This person pursued me with a passion, bordering on stalker-like. We were both in serious relationships with men at the time. I found out that while studying for the California bar examination, my fiancee had been cheating on me, which absolutely devastated me. This friend helped me slowly pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and restore my sense of self worth.
Slowly, our friendship became something more and we began dating.
Fast forward two years. During that time, everything was great. It was obvious to me she had a drinking problem, but it hadn’t presented any major issues. She’s a very high functioning alcoholic and it didn’t seem to impact her daily life. I was this woman’s everything and her mine. Our lives were completely intertwined. The only thing that ever caused tension was the drinking. I didn’t laugh when she’d tell stories about getting so drunk she’d walk into signs on the street. I didn’t think it was cool that she’d stumble in at 5 a.m. after partying with her friends. I told her she had a drinking problem on numerous occasions and asked her to deal with it. I called bullshit everytime she tried to explain it away as simply liking to party. I tried to tell her that 33 year old women do not go out and get hammered drunk 3 to 4 nights a week and when at home, drink themselves into a stupor on the couch until they pass out.
Fast forward again to two weeks ago. I leave for a week long conference. She’s saying things like how is she ever going to live without me and the like. Texting me constantly. While I’m away, she’s complaining to our mutual friends that I’m hesitant to move in with her. I come home and she is a little distant. She’s making plans to go out for the third night in a row with her friends and I tell her I feel she’d rather be with them than me. She says that’s ridiculous and goes out anyway.
The next day, she breaks up with me. No explanation. She says it was nothing I did. She just fell out of love with me. In 72 hours. I feel that she went on a binge when I was away and wasn’t ready for the fun to be over when I came home. I’m just flabbergasted. We were madly in love, nothing was wrong. She adored me. We were talking about starting a family someday. And just like that: it ends. No warning, no explanation. And a complete unwillingness to discuss it or seek counseling, or anything. The only response I get from her is “i’m so sorry to hurt you, I’m so sorry.” She doesn’t want to go to counseling because she doesn’t want to “prolong the pain” for me or give me false hope. This, after making a decision over the course of 72 hours.
I just don’t understand. I have a feeling her alcoholism has a lot to do with it and perhaps my refusal to enable her finally came to a head and she picked the bottle over me. Although she still refuses to admit she has a problem.
Does anyone out there have anything to say? Any advice? Speculation? Anything?
I’m sorry that this happened to you; you must be going nuts. What a lousy way for her to do this. I do think it’s all about the alcohol.
My guess would be that while it seemed like a 72-hour turnaround for you, she may have drifting this way for some time longer than that. It’s a hard thing to be dumped so abruptly, without even an attempt to work it out, but some people are like that. It’s the flip side of pursuing someone like a stalker; they’ll drop you just as quickly.
I find myself wondering whether the gap between you two was bigger than you might have realized, because from your description, it sounds like alcohol has occupied a big chunk of her day-to-day life. That must have been a barrier to intimacy for her to be separated from you, drunk, so often for so long. If she’s unwilling to consider changing, though, she did you a favor by breaking it off. You couldn’t responsibly start a family with a raging alcoholic; you’d just be stuck where you were, watching her pass out on the couch.
You’ve been very strong, by the way, not to let yourself get pulled into excessive drinking. Good for you. Do you have people you can talk to IRL, shoulders to cry on? Are you keeping it together?
I feel a need to point out that it’s very difficult for two people to be in a relationship who do not share the same behaviors when it comes to things like drugs and alchohol.
Thirded. There was a reason you were hesitant to move in with her.
I’m sorry your heart has been trampled on so much. First your fiance, then this lady. Please be kind to yourself. I know it hurts now, but believe me, this is not the type of woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You will realize that. Just give it time.
You tried to come between her and her booze. Until SHE wants that to happen, it won’t.
You did what you could.
I know from harsh experience that she will need to hit bottom (and for everyone, bottom is different).
For me, it was lose my job, home, car and end up living in a shelter before I could face facts and admit that I’m one of ‘those’ people who cannot handle alcohol. That’s when recovery began for me and when I started being able to have real relationships with real people again.
For some I’ve met, bottom was ‘when the Benz got repossessed’.
Al-anon is a good idea if you want to figure out what went on between you and her.
Fourthed. You are much better off without her! Trust me, where this path leads you do not want to follow.
She may well come running back in a bit; do not let her move in or borrow money. I really hope you’ll get to AlAnon before this test comes your way. She’ll be in bad shape then, and nearly ready to get help. Your involvement could delay that for years if you don’t know how to respond properly.
I don’t know what set it off but I was actually thinking of you today. I don’t know what to say other than I am sorry. But I do want to say that you aren’t alone and you matter to people you don’t even think about.
Relationships are tough enough without alcohol getting in the mix. It seems as if she realized while you were gone, she did not miss being told she has a problem. As has been said, SHE has to decide she has a problem and want to do something about it. Unfortunately, for some people, their “bottom” ends up being death. I hope that isn’t true of this woman.
{Lezlers}
Go to Al Anon. I came from a family with an alcoholic and didn’t get to Al Anon until I had been married, had a baby and gotten divorced. Too late, I realized I married to escape home. Al Anon really can help a lot!
I don’t remember where I read this but it is very true: If you allow yourself to be involved with an alcoholic, you are playing a bit part in a movie that is produced, directed by, and stars the alcoholic.
It hurts, but you are well out of that relationship.
Thank you everyone. It doesn’t help that we work together and have to see eachother every day also. Many lessons learned with this one, that’s for sure. I got her in my office today and explained to her that she has a problem, and is either going to end up dead or humiliated in our community (we all have somewhat public personas)
The thing is, she’s a HIGHLY functioning alcoholic. She’s sucessful in her career, owns her own home, is very active in athletics and has a wonderful reputation in the community. Only those who know her on more than a superficial level realize she’s a drunk. I’m not sure she’ll ever really hit bottom, this behavior has continued for over eight years now and her life and career seems to boom.
It was the abruptness that rocked me. It felt worse than if she had died in a car accident, since I could not get any answers from her and yet i’m forced to see her every day. And now she’s becoming close with another woman at work who likes to party and is just feeding into the behavior. It’s devastating to watch.
When you get between an alcoholic and their drinking lifestyle, in any way, shape, or form there is no way on earth for you to win. This is a realization that was far better for you to have now vs later when you might have been more invested and involved with her re sharing a household and having kids.
I was the child of a high functioning hardcore alcoholic mother. She loved us dearly, but my interaction with her as my mother is overshadowed by my relationship with her as a chronic alcoholic and the craziness and toxicity of that aspect of our relationship. Some alcoholics get better, most don’t.
In keeping with the bullet metaphor, in seeing how regretful you are that she has moved on, you need to grasp with both hands the concrete understanding that you have dodged a locomotive sized missile aimed at your head. You really need to sit down and thank whatever powers are meaningful to you that she has moved on. Really, really.
No. The closest I had was a boyfriend who had a serious weed problem. The problem being, he spent our rent money on it. Nothing like this, though, where it doesn’t impact financially or anything like that. I understand she picked the bottle over me, and I know in the long run it’s for the best, it’s just really hard now, sitting here alone, while I know she’s out partying.