my ever caring girlfriend II

The BBQ Pit
1

well for those of you that read my last rant you’ll be pleased to see you were more or less right

She loves me
I know she loves me
I know it more than I’ve known anything before in my life and that I love her as well
But
she loves alcohol too

on holiday, she got drunk and pulled someone
then she and her best mate had a lock in with some barmen and ended up at their place and fucked them

and two weeks ago she got trashed again and “went to the toilets with” someone (whatever that means, i dont want to know)

I found this out by way of a mutual friend who had hinted something was wrong but failed to succumb to my questioning till tonight.

shes at uni now, been there for about a week, I was going to go and visit her a week this weekend but now…

now how can I feel anything for her at all? shes betrayed me in the worst possible way but despite it I still love her and I know I could forgive her for it

but I cant forgive myself
I hate myself and I want to die, to paraphrase another individual who got fucked up by a bitch.
I blame myself
for being naive

for being forgiving

for believing I was enough to her when Im not

for never seeing the truth in front of my eyes, that we’ve never been right for each other

for every time she did wrong forgiving her unconditionally because im too weak to be on my own

I still want to be with her
I cant imagine my life without her in it

but I can never look at her in the same way again
I know this will destroy her if I say its really over, finito, done for good, never speak again. She might even kill herself, she’s never loved anyone but me in her pathetic life

and i have an essay in for tommorow which i haven written, I have to be in to uni at 11 to bring back a book and I have to attend a lecture then go home to my five male housemates and try and behave normally tho one already knows whats happened. I have to continue with my planned year of positivity (cut down on intoxicants, work hard, spend less, take excercise) despite the fact that my heart has been ripped out and emotionally I probably havent even noticed its gone yet.

and what for? a drunken bit of fun.
i sometimes think the prohibitionists have it right.

2

Well, no one should come in here and gloat; it just seemed that you were being taken advantage of- IIRC, she was staying with a rugby player because she was too drunk to go home, is that right? And she said nothing happened?

It sounds like she has a serious drinking problem. Prohibiting everyone from drinking is not the answer, aalthough I understand that’s not what you are saying- it’s that the alcohol changes her into someone you can’t live with.

Unless your mates are total assholes, they can help you keep yourself busy enough to get over this. Sure, you will have a little ribbing, but true friends will stop before it hurts and help you get on with your life.

You were full of good intentions, and your hopes were dashed? Feels like hell, will happen again, if you’re human. Be strong and move on- find a woman who won’t do this to you. Someone who loves you will not sleep around on you against your wishes.

I’m curious about what “went to the toilets” means, too.

3

You have a whole bootload of issues happening here that will probably need a lot more than we dopers are able to help with.

Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. You have a long road of recovery ahead of YOU let alone for your girlfriend even if she chooses to take that path.

Please stop berating yourself, and please get some professional help with this one.

4

Im not curious, kissing, touching, hand jobs blow jobs it all amounts to the same thing doesnt it.

thats the thing she isnt taking advantage of me because i know she loves me, she just has serious issues with alcohol and self control.

i love my mates, they wont be horrible I just hate the awkwardness when people know you’re in pain cos blokes can never really talk about these things.
im now making the same mistake she is, hitting the fucking bottle. bullshit. im not going to let this fuck me up, whatever happens Im going to come out of this stronger than I was before but I dont know what to do or what to think

5

[quote}I’m curious about what “went to the toilets” means, too.[/quote]

I would assume it means retiring to the bathroom to engage in some form of nookie.

6

Scrape your shoe and move on.

7

I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear this but you really do need to.

Dump her. Get far away.

You’re being abused, weither or not she wants to hurt you, she obviously is.

8

Hey, you found out about it now rather than later. So at least now you can get the hell away and never look back. There’s always a bright side.

Oh, and by any conventional definition of the word “love,” she does not love you. To love someone does not mean to treat them in the most abhorrant manner emotionally possible.

9

Ryle is right.

This is an abusive relationship. Emotionally abusive to you. Regardless of her intent or capabilities.

I would suggest that you get into some sort of therapy. Life is too precious to go through it feeling like shit.

10

This absolutely is abusive. And so long as you are there for her to come back to and cry and apologize and say she’s not going to get all drunk and do it again, she’ll keep doing it.

Co-dependency works that way.

You need to join Al-Anon, or something similar, and get yourself out of this unhealthy situation before it causes you more damage and she inflicts more abuse.

She doesn’t love you. She loves alcohol.

11

What the last several said, except I’ll go a step further:

You’re saying “I love her, she loves me; it’s just this damn alcohol that’s screwing things up.” I’m very sorry, but you’re mistaken. She doesn’t love you. Drink or not, people who love other people don’t treat them the way she has you.

She’s not the right one for you. go find someone better.

12

I’m a big believer that people “choose” to abuse alcohol. That’s the excuse she uses cause she wants to get laid. Then she can say it was the alcohol later. Fine, but if she knew the alcohol would cause that side of her to come out, why’d she do it?

I don’t want to rag on your girlfriend but she sounds like she’s just a loser. I would go out with your friends and try to find some new women friends. Someone with some class. Someone who is going somewhere…who has ambitions and dreams; who lives for tomorrow instead of just for today.

It’s an old saying but there are a lot of fish in the sea. It’s true, but it’s the last thing you want to hear now.

Deep down, you know she will never change. Your “love” is just an invitation for her to abuse you.

13

For you have to forgiven all the crap she gave you means you’re a pretty nice guy underneath it all - just don’t let anyone walk on you this way again. You’ll give a nice girl the guy she deserves - keep your eyes open for her.

(and might I suggest staying away from barflies for a good long while? Yes, I might - you don’t wanna hook up with the wrong ‘kind’ of person again - in case others in that lifestyle have the same qualities that made you love your current ex-girl.)

14

While I disagree 100% with bri about alcohol (I don’t believe the alcoholic is making a choice) I agree with his and most of the other advice here. Break it off. First and foremost for yourself, rather than subject yourself to the insanity of the situation and the lifestyle. Secondly, for your future relationships, so you will be able to go in clear-headed and say “well, I recognized a bad one before, so this time I can make better choices”. Thirdly, for your friends and family, so they don’t have to watch you suffer (never pretty, often damaging to them, if they allow it to damage them). And very last, for your current girlfriend. An alcoholic needs to face the consequences of her actions, so that perhaps she’ll have a chance to finally ‘get it’ and make the necessary changes. Probably not soon, but maybe some day. But that’s her responsibility, not yours.

QtM, MD

15

You can justify it all you want. But you need to break it off and take care of yourself first. You need to get your shit together, make sure you have a clear head and clear heart, and then and ONLY then consider letting her back in your life. She’s not going to stop unless she gets a serious wake-up call, and not even then. The bottom line is, you deserve someone better. It is not your responsibility to rehabilitate this girl. Your responsibility is to take care of you.

To try another tack, I’ll appeal to your Dudeism. Do you want to be one of those dudes with the loose girlfriend that always has to say things like, “Sure, she gets drunk and cheats on me all the time, but we really love each other!”?

Seriously, if she’s doing all that to you, it’s not love. You’re just the stable, forgiving guy she can come back to. If she wants new dick, let her have it. Doesn’t mean YOU have to put up with it.

16

Mr_Friendly, I read your first thread where you claimed you trusted this girl, now you know the truth and that your trust was undeserved.

Pretend I wrote this in big red 144-point letters:

Dump the bitch, move on, meet someone who deserves you, be happy, waste not one more moment of your time with this disceiptful, manipulating, worthless piece of trash.

Make up your mind today!

17

Mr_Friendly, you have met your Kryptonite & it is Her. Dump her, tear up her number, lose her email address, and get tested for STD’s. And pick up a 6-pack of self-confidence while your at it.

Do you think that she is the only woman on the face of the earth who could ever possibly fall in love with you? Do you think she’s the only person that you’ll ever fall in love with in this lifetime? No Way! You need to stop being a victim of your hormones and to take charge of your life. The person who really is right for you will never notice you until you do.

18

I’m with the others, drop her and move on. If she truly straightens out and comes back to you in a couple of years fine.

But remember, when she gets drunk she bangs other guys. In my experience alcohol makes feelings more extreme. So her going to them when she’s drunk reflects pretty poorly on her commitment to you.

And also remember, even if she’s 1 in a million, that just means there are 3000 of her out there.

19

I have to agree.

Get out.

Now, not later. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can walk through the pain and get to the other side. (It WILL hurt, don’t kid yourself)

20

I said in the last thread:

Seems I was right. But I’m not pleased about it, and nor am I gloating.

Dump her. Don’t blame the booze, blame her. Sorry.