well for those of you that read my last rant you’ll be pleased to see you were more or less right
She loves me
I know she loves me
I know it more than I’ve known anything before in my life and that I love her as well
she loves alcohol too
on holiday, she got drunk and pulled someone
then she and her best mate had a lock in with some barmen and ended up at their place and fucked them
and two weeks ago she got trashed again and “went to the toilets with” someone (whatever that means, i dont want to know)
I found this out by way of a mutual friend who had hinted something was wrong but failed to succumb to my questioning till tonight.
shes at uni now, been there for about a week, I was going to go and visit her a week this weekend but now…
now how can I feel anything for her at all? shes betrayed me in the worst possible way but despite it I still love her and I know I could forgive her for it
but I cant forgive myself
I hate myself and I want to die, to paraphrase another individual who got fucked up by a bitch.
I blame myself
for being naive
for being forgiving
for believing I was enough to her when Im not
for never seeing the truth in front of my eyes, that we’ve never been right for each other
for every time she did wrong forgiving her unconditionally because im too weak to be on my own
I still want to be with her
I cant imagine my life without her in it
but I can never look at her in the same way again
I know this will destroy her if I say its really over, finito, done for good, never speak again. She might even kill herself, she’s never loved anyone but me in her pathetic life
and i have an essay in for tommorow which i haven written, I have to be in to uni at 11 to bring back a book and I have to attend a lecture then go home to my five male housemates and try and behave normally tho one already knows whats happened. I have to continue with my planned year of positivity (cut down on intoxicants, work hard, spend less, take excercise) despite the fact that my heart has been ripped out and emotionally I probably havent even noticed its gone yet.
and what for? a drunken bit of fun.
i sometimes think the prohibitionists have it right.