Advise needed: Alcoholic Friends...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’m having a rough go of it. I have my own money issues which I won’t go into detail with, but basically, the loss of my godfather in January means that was underprepared financially to finish the semester. I gave it a go, and it is the last two weeks. I haven’t paid bills in two months, and haven’t paid rent this month. Nor can I.

On top of that, my “best” friend since the fifth grade is going through crisis…again. She’s been in rehab three times, twice for trying to kill herself and once for coke/booze. Last year on April 29th, her youngest sister’s birthday, she bottomed out and ended up in AA. All was fine.

Then she drops out of my life. She has a habit of doing this when she thinks she’s fine. She reappeared a few months ago, looking to use me to cash a check. I foolishly started hanging out with her again.

One year to the day of the 4/29 bender, it’s her sister’s birthday again. I show up for the party, and she has had 5 glasses of wine. I don’t find this out until later, when she is completely hammered in a bar (long story). I ended up driving her home, stopping 6 times or more for her to puke. At one point she puked out the window of my car, not quite making it. I showed up at her house the next morning and politely informed her of the goings on of the previous night, and informed her that she was going to clean my car up, which she did.

The following evening, she was to meet myself and one of my other friends at a concert venue for a concert. She had agreed to buy a ticket, so we had gotten her one in advance. $25. She never showed. I had my cell phone, her younger sister, who also was coming to the concert had her cell phone, and she called neither of us. We ended up not being able to sell the ticket because my “best” friend never showed.

I found out from her mother the next day that “friend” had called her mother the night before at 10:00 PM. This was because she was at another friend’s the night before, and had apparently never WANTED to go to this concert. Why the hell didn’t she tell me that in the first place so I could sell her ticket? Furthermore, she told her mother she would be home before morning. Her mother and she made plans to have breakfast out and take a walk. She never showed.

I am beyond angry. I feel like I am completely done with her, and that IF she calls me (which she might not, out of shame,) I am going to lay into her. I plan to tell her that I am unable emotionally to deal with her, that I have my own shit to deal with and am not going to let her drain me emotionally any more. I plan on telling her that unless she is in some kind of permanant treatment/addiction therapy I am not going to associate with her. (she claims AA is too full of whiners…) I love this girl like a sister, but I feel the time has come to draw a line in the sand.

I need advise from people who have experiance with addicts. She runs on the classic alchoholic model, lies about her drinking, dismisses it as social drinking (if I hadn’t driven her home that night, she’d be in jail…), thinks she can control it. Do you think my ultimatum is too harsh? Help.

Sheesh, all of this is enough to drive a girl to drink. Just kidding. (mostly… :wink: )

2

I don’t think you’re being at all harsh. What’s harsh is someone treating her friends the way she’s treating you.

The more you’re willing to give, the more an addict will take. If she’s got friends and family who will be supportive of her while she’s doing this crap, she’ll just keep on doing it. It’s not your responsibility to fix her, nor will you be able to do it. You’d just drive yourself crazy trying. You aren’t obliged to let her walk on you just because you love her. A side benefit is that, once she sees that losing friends is one of the consequences of her actions, that might make her more likely to seriously get treatment. Once she does that, you can reassess whether or not you want her in your life.

3

SwimmingRiddles, I totally sympathize with you, and I’m afraid I don’t have much advice except this one: Stop expecting your friend to behave like a normal person. The more you do that the more you’ll get angry at her, and the more you’re angry the less time you have to help her out.

For example, I have a best friend who used to be chronically late. He’d piss everybody off with this. Not me, I’d just expect him to show up 1/2 hour later than arranged. As a result I never had to wait for him and I never got angry at him (I’d even tell him what I was doing), after awhile he started waiting for me until he got the message and cleaned up his act.

You can do the same: she wants to come to the concert? Fine, but she must buy her ticket herself, because “honey, I just can’t trust you to show up at all, and I don’t want to waste my money.” Keep a plastic garbage bag in your car, and whenever you have to pick her up from a bar, put it in her lap “to throw up in.” Who knows, maybe even giving her such “special treatment” will make her ashamed enough to do something about her problems…

Good luck.

4

“Liars, cheats and thieves.” This is a wonderful and very true phrase used by many people I’ve known in AA to describe what alcoholics are like. Alcoholics tend to have a “Jekyll-and-Hyde” personality, nice people when they’re sober, and raging assholes when drinking. I’m a recovered alcoholic and have been sober for 10 years now, and so have a great deal of experience with dealing with this, both in myself and others.

As you probably already well know, your friend is not going to stop drinking until she is ready. Frequently, becoming ready means facing serious consequences to one’s drinking. What type of consequences will differ from person to person. For some, it takes material losses: job, house, etc; for others, it’s emotional losses: family and other relationships going in the shitter. I can’t say what it’s going to take for your friend, just be aware that she might have to slide pretty far down before she’s ready to face her drinking. For me, it took being faced with the prospect of being kicked out of the Navy and then being confronted with the cold, hard facts of what I was doing to myself and those around me with my behavior. I was fairly “high-bottom” in that I didn’t have to lose everything to be willing to change.

What you need to do for yourself is establish some very clear boundaries. Decide exactly what and how much you are willing to put up with, and allow that much and no more. Be willing to be harsh with her–an alcoholic will take advantage of you every damn time if you let them; it’s just the nature of the disease. Don’t be afraid of hurting her feelings–she doesn’t care about hurting yours.

She feels that AA is “full of whiners” because it is full of people who talk about their problems, and she doesn’t think she has a problem. Many, perhaps most, people who come to AA are initially resistant to the program because it involves making so many very fundamental changes and that prospect is just too scary at first to even consider–I was the same way. Some people come to AA too beaten down to ridicule anything that might offer a way out of their pain, but anyone who hasn’t truly hit bottom yet may not be willing to listen. A lot of people have to try recovery multiple times before it takes…and some just never get it.

Here is some information for you that might be helpful: An excellent pamphlet from AA, Is there an alcoholic in your life? and the Al-Anon website, which has lots of good information on dealing with actively drinking alcoholics.

5

thanks Geo, those links will help, I’m sure. The problem is that I thought she WAS ready to stop. She did her 90 meetings, she had a sponsor. Then she just stopped. She also has issues about being so young – her mother excuses a lot of her drinking as just being young. (21.)

No word from her yet, maybe I’ll just not ever speak to her again. At this point, I can’t say that would be the worst thing in the world.

6

I have only this to say.

If the problem of alcoholism were easy to solve, we would have no more alcoholics. So, obviously, I can’t help much in that respect.

However, one thing you can do is make the problem NOT YOURS anymore. From reading the beginning of your post, it seems you have enough problems of your own without hers.

7

From experinces of my own I know a little about this.
When someone like your friend goes down the “wrong path” so far down the path that she might not remember how to turn around and find the right one. And she probably won’t try until that path comes to an end. My friend ran down the path for as long as he could untill everyone who were his friends had abandoned him. So basically I’m trying to say for some people they might just have to go so far down the path before they realize they’re lost, but if this girl is your friend be close enough that you can lead her out. Now I’m not saying don’t be harsh when she vomits in your car. she needs to see the “action/reaction” side of what she is doing to her friends.

8

SwimmingRiddles, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives.

9

Ah, Swiddles, this advice was won the hardest way possible, i.e. systematically screwing for years when confronted with substance abuse in loved ones. To wit, 1. a close friend dead at 31 of coke and booze and 2. too many years of grinding misery married to an alcholic. (He blew .428–that is NOT a typo–when picked up DUI; severe, chronic drinking.) Suffered vicariously through it all: rehabs, hallucinations, DT’s, police calls, violence, binges, excuses, drunken public scenes, denial, etc.

And I say “suffered” because the concerned onlooker gets dragged into the insanity. And here’s the worst trap: instincts of love, loyalty or even basic decency betray one into doing all the wrong things. The brutal truth is your friend is in bad danger and you can’t do a damned thing about it. The instinct is to “help”, e.g. stand by, forgive, cut slack…and it’s the WORST thing you can do.

An alchoholic’s universe shrinks down to one thing, and one thing only: booze. NOTHING–not friendship, family, work, respect, shame–NOTHING matters but that next drink. Right now you’re little more than scenery to your friend, just a backdrop in her obsession with booze. (This may apply less to “high functioning drunks” but not with folks like your friend and my ex-husband.)

DON’T PLAY. Don’t accept, don’t excuse and don’t hold your friend to one whit lesser standard than you would anyone else. You’ve already made a good start: catch her when she’s sober and hit her with the consequences of her actions. But let her know you’re disgusted and disappointed and won’t tolerate it again–and hold to it. She is sick, direly sick, but you can’t cure her. She’s the only one who can do it she’ll interpret any “kindness” on your part as consent. It’s called tough love for a reason.

I’ve written and deleted this section 3 times already because some things are just awful to say–and hear. But your friend may have to hit rock bottom, and there’s no guarantee she’ll make it then. AA works because one of the first tenets is accepting that one has an overwhelming problem too big to handle alone. Alcholism isolates people in unique ways, from themselves, life and others. It takes enormous courage to admit the problem and make that long walk back. Your friend will have to decide for herself to take the journey and those “whiners” who scare her now will be–I hope–the ones who get her through.

I’m so, so sorry, Swiddles. It’s a unique hell.

Drained and depressed,
Veb

10

As a recovering alcoholic, I absolutely agree with most of the above advice. Tolerating alcoholic/addict behavior is known in recovery circles as enabling, and that is exactly what it is. You need to let the person know that you will no longer allow yourself to be abused. You need not be cruel, but be FIRM. Then follow through. Let the person know that you will love them from a distance until they face the problem and seek help. If they DO seek help, be supportive…but if they start badmouthing the recovery program, don’t play into it. It means they are not ready to get honest and they are looking for excuses.

Been there, done that…on both sides of the fence.

Peace,
TN*hippie

11

“Liars, cheats and thieves.” Ah, but I know a lot of people who never touch the booze stuff who are like that too. Far more perhaps.

Tolerating is enabling? I don’t quite think so; but close.

Alcohol itself does not make people not show up for meetings, SR. However, you are more than within your rights to select what friends you would like to have. Don’t expect someone to quit drinking just to be friends though, it rarely happens.

12

handy
Certainly there are jerks of all kinds, chemically dependent or not. Still, addiction generally does not bring out the best in us.
Enabling occurs when people, often codependent, allow themselves to be manipulated by addictive behavior again and again. When they put up with the abuse, it gives the addict the message that he can get away with inappropriate behavior. Neither party benefits, and the destruction continues. If you make it easier on me to continue in my addiction, then yes, you are enabling me.

Peace,
TN*hippie

13

You might want to look at this month’s US News & World Report. The cover story is new brain research re alcoholism. I haven’t read it.

14

The point is that alcoholics who are perfectly nice people when they are sober turn into not-nice people when under the influence. I was trying to help Swiddles understand why her friend behaves the way she does, not say that only alcoholics behave like assholes.

TN*hippie said it very well, that enabling is tolerating inappropriate behavior. The alcoholic has to be held accountable for his or her behavior before there is any chance at all that it will stop. So long as everyone around turns a blind eye, it will continue. That is what happened with me. I was showing up for work incapable of performing my job because I was either too hung over or still drunk from the night before (I didn’t get to the stage of drinking in the morning but probably wasn’t far from it). This went on for quite a while before my boss finally confronted me and sent me to see a counselor, who wisely recommended I be sent to treatment. I kept doing what I was doing for so long because I was getting away with it.

15

Just because she is young doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a problem, no matter what her mother thinks. My mom hit bottom at 22, just after I was born – she’d been drinking since she was fourteen. Apparently I was one scary baby!

Considering some of the horror stories I have heard from people with active alcoholic parents, I am more than happy to take some credit for Mom’s sobriety.

16

I’ve been in Al-Anon for about 2 years (my ex-wife is a recovering alcoholic). The very first thing you learn is the 3 C’s: You didn’t cause it (the alcoholism), you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it.

You’re playing your role as a classic enabler. I did it for 13 years. The only way to get out of the role is to say “I’m not going to play anymore.” Then don’t play. No more rescues, no more loans, no more understanding. You’ll come to realize that you’re just as sick (in your own way) as the alcoholic. Its a hard thing to admit to yourself, but once you do you can start working on YOU. That’s the important part. You have worth, value, and feelings. Stand up for them.

I’d really suggest checking out an Al-Anon meeting. It may help and it certainly can’t hurt.

17

A lot of people don’t have a clue but have a lot of oppinions about alcoholics.

We may be assholes, but… ehm… eh… we like beer?

— G. Raven

18

TVeblen and TN*hippie nailed it.

Addicts(alcoholics included) will use friends and loved ones to make it easier to get loaded. Friends and loved ones, while well-meaning, will make it easier for the addict to get loaded by helping them escape the consequences.

It’s time for tough love. Tell ‘friend’ that you will help her get into a recovery house, or that you will drive her to a couple of meetings(there are some ‘open’ meetings where non-addicts are welcome to attend). Tell her you will help her into sobriety as long as she is willing to do what it takes.

If she isn’t willing, then you have to turn your back on her. For your sake, and for hers. Anything you do for addict in active addiction will not be good for them.

19

“If she isn’t willing, then you have to turn your back on her.”

I’d never turn my back on an addict. ‘addiction’ seems to not have a set meaning. e.g. in this area you can have one drink & then join our local AA meetings. That’s what they said.

20

Addiction can mean different things to different people, handy. For some people, complete absinence isn’t the answer.

She still hasn’t called me. For what it’s worth, both of my parents’ fathers were alchoholics, so I know what a loved one goes through. I’m also a psych major, so I understand the dynamics of codependace. And that isn’t happening. I have always made it really clear that I won’t tolerate her drinking and using around me, which basically means she uses when she’s not around me. But for the past year she’s been clean (maybe. See “liar” above) so I thought perhaps she had her life together and was ready to be a good friend. WRONGO.

I’m not planning on letting her in my life again. I have 80 years on this earth if I’m lucky, and I don’t plan on wasting my energy on people who suck my energy.

Thanks for the advise, folks.