Wait just one minute here - this girl is drinking and screwing around on you, and somehow you’re getting the idea that you’ve failed? She lied to you, cheated on you, abused your trust and compassion, and you have found a way to make this your fault. Well, it isn’t. Know that deep in your heart - she’s the one with problems, not you. The only problem you seem to have is not knowing when to kick a toxic person out of your life (big hint - NOW!!!), and you’re certainly not alone in that. The big secret to life is not never making mistakes, but learning from them and trying not to repeat them.
Would it make you feel better for us all to post our stupidest mistakes for you? Cause every single Doper has a story like that to tell, where we made stupid decisions and followed them up with worse ones.
She may love you but it sounds like she loves the alcohol more. There is nothing you can do at this point to make her stop drinking and you have a responsibility to take care of yourself.
Break it off with her and let her know (kindly but strongly) that alcohol had negative impact on your relationship. I echo the advice that you might want to get some therapy to help you work through these issues.
50,000 Elvis fans can’t be wrong, and I’m sure they’d all agree, you need to forget about this girl and say “Never Again!” And I also agree with whoever it was that said you need to go to an Al-Anon meeting or several. They help people deal with dependancies, and hopefully, they’ll help you realize that you may be one of these people who, for some odd reason, need this kind of torment in your life. Sounds stupid, I know, but there are people out there like that who repeatadely date others who cheat on them, abuse them, and walk all over them. So far, you’re letting this girl walk all over you, and that’s not healthy.
What she’s doing is not her fault. She’s making a concious decision to do this, and in doing so, she is proving to you that she does not love you. She may say she does, and she may feel incredibly terrible and hurt and angry when you tell her it’s over, but she does not love you.
You need to move on and put her and anyone like her behind you. Don’t be angry and aggressive about it, though. But be strong, seek help afterwards, and suggest she do the same. Hopefully, in a few years, you’ll both be better, and if the love you feel is real, you can rekindle it later. But in the meantime, break it off and move on.
Haven’t read all the replies, due to lack of time, (am sure most have said what I am about to) but to the OP: you need to get the hell outta dodge. You sound like you may have a co-dependance issue, which is unhealthy in itself, but then to throw on top of that a SO that is both an alchoholic and promiscous without your consent makes it abhorrently painful.
It sucks, and it will hurt, but it will be much better for you, and probably for her, if you get out of the relationship and seek some counseling. It will be less painful long term, and hopefully will prevent you from falling into a similar trap later in life.
Everybody plays the fool, sometime
There’s no exception to the rule, listen baby
It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain’t lying
Everybody plays the fool
Mr. Friendly,
I am sorry for your pain. It hurts to love someone who does not love themself. But this is the problem here, she doesn’t love herself. Whether the problem is alcohol or alcoholism, she has to love herself enough to get some help, for herself. How can she love you if she doesn’t love her ownself? Unfortunately this time, it is not about you. It isn’t about you being enough. Its not about you at all.
The last time I checked being a forgiving person was considered a good thing. The man who is trusting and forgiving, who has his trust abused but who continues to trust and forgive is a very courageous man. You deserve a gf who can love herself AND you, you shouldn’t have to be the one doing all the loving.
Do not be cruel, but do break things off. She is not your responsibility, she has to be responsible to herself. You can’t be a lover and a daddy, that’s not fair to either of you. Encourage her to get help from professionals, most universities have staff that can help.
By staying with her, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity of a real loving relationship.
This isn’t love. It’s her getting drunk and you being too weak to dump her. Stiffen your backbone, dump your “mates” and go find someone more worthy of you.
** I know this will destroy her if I say its really over, finito, done for good, never speak again. She might even kill herself **
It doesn’t sound to me as if she’s pining for her man while she’s at school, hon. And it sounds as if she’s doing a fine job of killing herself with the alcohol.
God forbid she end up hurting herself, but I’d rather see her do it with you out of the picture than her doing it in 10 years time and taking whatever kids you have had with her along for the ride.
She does NOT love you
Sorry, but someone who goes fucking other guys a long distance away from you does not friggin love you. You need to forget about her, cut her out of your damn life, now.
I can, you’d be happy.
Except of course the random strangers she loves to fuck, oh, that and lots and lots of alchohal. DROP. HER. NOW.
Listen to me, alchohal ain’t the problem, this woman is a lying, manipulative scumbag. You need to get away from her and stay the hell away. God, look at yourself man, just listen to yourself for a minute, and ask yourself, why are you in pain?
By continuing to obsess over someone who obviously is mistreating and abusing you is ridiculous, she’s playing with your heart, and you’re letting her.
Mr_Friendly, you do not have the power to stop her treating people like this. Loving her will not do it. Being patient will not do it. Understanding her will not do it. Comforting her when she is remorseful will not do it. Holding her hand while she gets hospital treatment will not do it. No-one but her has the power to improve herself.
But.
You can stop giving her tacit encouragement for the way she behaves, and you can stop putting yourself on ground zero for the shit she is handing out, and you can do it now. Not tomorrow. Now.
You will not miss her.
You will miss the girl you wanted her to be.
Big difference.
.
She might. But you are not the master of her fate or the captain of her soul, and martyring yourself because of something she might even do is idiotic. Kinda noble, kinda heroic, but idiotic nonetheless. Ultimately, if she does choose to perform the supreme act of self-pity, it’s her own responsibility, not yours.
Run away fast, don’t look back. It doesn’t have to be like this.
Or keep making yourself her personal whipping boy, and don’t let me hear you complain again. 'Cos I am not the master of your fate or the captain of your soul, either.
I’ll wish you “good luck”, but basically, my friend, that’s something you’re largely going to make for yourself.
Well, if you are in school you are probably still in your 20’s so take heart in the fact that you will, in all probablility, get hurt worse than this several more time in your life. Just consider this a warm-up.
(Oh yeah, you will also probability hurt someone else this much also)
I dunno. Other than having sex from time to time with guys who are not you, usually when she’s trashed and wants to get laid w/o much regard to “by whom”, has she done anything that upsets you?
Are you kidding, AH? Isn’t that enough? Re-read the OP. Guy sounds like he’s teatering on the edge, not to mention his past thread about this same girl.
Speaking of the OP, Mr. Friendly? You still out there? You haven’t responded once to your own thread.
This thread is quite interesting considering the “Why don’t guys like nice girls” thread.
Mr. Friendly, we don’t know each other at all, but I’m a long-time lurker and I read your first thread about this girl. Malacandra is right in that you are in love with the girl you thought she was. She isn’t that girl. She’s someone who cheats. And lies. And evidently expects you put up with cheating and lying.
You love her. Ok. But what you have together isn’t love.
And you’re not at ALL responsible for her lousy behavior. Or her destructive decision.
I’ve known quite a few guys who were otherwise pretty cool guys but who had a tendency to get plastered every once in a while and would bed anything female (or in one case male) that provided them with the opportunity when they were like that. Mostly people thought they were “worth it” and did not say disparaging things about their regular partners if the reg partners were inclined to accept this situation, whereas the ones with partners who went ballistic about it were often regarded as unduly rigid and uptight. ::shrug:: No one nominated me as the person to decide when someone else ought to feel affronted, but it doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me.
Well, if I’ve been an uncaring and callous ear to someone who is really going through turmoil, I apologize for that.
Alcohol ISN’T the problem. Alcohol is merely a tool, a device people use to shed their inhibitions and do whatever is lurking at the back of their mind. You could take the booze away, sure, and that might prevent her from fucking random strangers…but her self-destructive urges will just manifest in some other way.
The problem is HER. She’s a lowlife.
There are countless good women out there. They’re hard to find sometimes, but if you found one woman to love, you’ll find another eventually, and hopefully the next one won’t be on the level of the present one.
But what you really need, friend, is some time to yourself.