I’m currently in a relationship with the most wonderful, special, intelligent woman the world has ever seen. Nothing I say can ever convey to you the feelings I have for her. If my death could possibly mean her happiness, I’d be dead by now. I can’t count the time that I’ve thanked invisible Fate for her presence and for the miracle that she wants to be with me. To see her smile and hear her say “I love you” makes my heart skip a beat, every time. We’ve had the most perfect relationship anyone could imagine. We never fought, always loved each other’s company. We liked the same things, hated the same things. We just fit together, like two pieces in a puzzle. She was the answer to every question I’d ever asked. She showed me love didn’t have to hurt. She made me believe there was happiness in the world for me.
But I fucked it up. Early in our relationship, I said some incredibly demeaning, stupid, offensive things during sex. And believe me, I’m not the kind of guy who’s watched too many pornos and thinks girls get off on being called whores. Trust me. I can’t even fathom how I could be so incredibly idiotic as to say those things. And she just can’t get over it.
I don’t blame her. I’m a fucking idiot. I’m a total moron. I walk around thinking I’m a genius, but turn around and fuck up the best thing anyone’s ever known. And now, she’s probably going to leave me. She doesn’t want to, I know that. She loves me, I know that too. I can tell. But we haven’t had sex for some time, and it’s because every time we’re about to have sex, she thinks about those things I said.
I hate myself.
She’s in school now. I’m drunk. I won’t be here when she gets back. I don’t want her to see me like this. I just don’t know what to do. Breaking up with her, having to find a new apartment, splitting our mutual possessions, all that fucking shit… I’m not kidding you, Dopers: if it comes to that, I’m killing myself. Even thinking about it makes me nauseous.
And it will come to that. I had one shot at gorgeous happiness, but I had to go and be a big Neanderthal and fuck it all up. I’m not even expecting sympathy; I know it’s all my fault.
I just wish I had a fucking time machine. I’d go back and tell my stupid self to shut the hell up. And then we’d still be as happy as we were in the early days. When every sunrise was just for us. When every cute puppy seemed to smile just for us. When the best thing in the world was to lie, entwined in each other’s bodies, morning or night.
I’m never going to have that again. And then, I might as well be dead.