I'm drunk and pathetic and need to spill my guts

I’m currently in a relationship with the most wonderful, special, intelligent woman the world has ever seen. Nothing I say can ever convey to you the feelings I have for her. If my death could possibly mean her happiness, I’d be dead by now. I can’t count the time that I’ve thanked invisible Fate for her presence and for the miracle that she wants to be with me. To see her smile and hear her say “I love you” makes my heart skip a beat, every time. We’ve had the most perfect relationship anyone could imagine. We never fought, always loved each other’s company. We liked the same things, hated the same things. We just fit together, like two pieces in a puzzle. She was the answer to every question I’d ever asked. She showed me love didn’t have to hurt. She made me believe there was happiness in the world for me.

But I fucked it up. Early in our relationship, I said some incredibly demeaning, stupid, offensive things during sex. And believe me, I’m not the kind of guy who’s watched too many pornos and thinks girls get off on being called whores. Trust me. I can’t even fathom how I could be so incredibly idiotic as to say those things. And she just can’t get over it.

I don’t blame her. I’m a fucking idiot. I’m a total moron. I walk around thinking I’m a genius, but turn around and fuck up the best thing anyone’s ever known. And now, she’s probably going to leave me. She doesn’t want to, I know that. She loves me, I know that too. I can tell. But we haven’t had sex for some time, and it’s because every time we’re about to have sex, she thinks about those things I said.

I hate myself.

She’s in school now. I’m drunk. I won’t be here when she gets back. I don’t want her to see me like this. I just don’t know what to do. Breaking up with her, having to find a new apartment, splitting our mutual possessions, all that fucking shit… I’m not kidding you, Dopers: if it comes to that, I’m killing myself. Even thinking about it makes me nauseous.

And it will come to that. I had one shot at gorgeous happiness, but I had to go and be a big Neanderthal and fuck it all up. I’m not even expecting sympathy; I know it’s all my fault.

I just wish I had a fucking time machine. I’d go back and tell my stupid self to shut the hell up. And then we’d still be as happy as we were in the early days. When every sunrise was just for us. When every cute puppy seemed to smile just for us. When the best thing in the world was to lie, entwined in each other’s bodies, morning or night.

I’m never going to have that again. And then, I might as well be dead.

I’m sure it won’t come to that. Talk to her, if she feels the way you do I’m sure she will be able to get over it.

If she can’t and you do decide you can’t live without her, please bear in mind that you will ruin the rest of her life. I’m sure that is not something you want for someone you love so much.

Keep your chin up and don’t be drunk and weepy when she gets home. Discuss the issue when you are sober.

Why not go out right now and do something romantic for her (buy a mushy card) and prove you are NOT a neanderthal because you are obviously not!

Yeah, go chill somewhere. Endure a hangover. Feel like shit. Take some time. Then go talk to her.

And don’t say awful stuff during sex anymore. What, were you drunk then, too? I don’t want to come down on your case, but how could you do that? That was pretty thoughtless and shitty, and you should be upset about it.

I get complaints about not talking dirty enough. It’s kinda awkward having to come up with dirty talk when you aren’t the type to talk durin sex!

So, what did you say to her? And why??

Okay, dude. I’m not much for the therapy route, but in this case, a therapist might be just the thing for you two. Make an appointment and ask her to please go with you.

  1. It will show that you’re serious about what happened.
  2. A therapist can explain that sometimes people can be a whole 'nother animal when in the throes of passion.
  3. Get your head screwed on straight, dude. This talk of ending it all is a phase you have to get through.
  4. You might learn some alternate forms of expression when you’re doin’ the deed.

Good luck, man.

Leave your computer on with this onscreen.

I don’t think it would be a good idea for her to know that you’re willing to kill yourself if the relationship goes badly. I’m sure it will just make things more awkward. I agree with the suggestion of seeing a therapist. It shows that you really want to right the situation. I wouldn’t let her see you drunk either. Drink up today, recover tomorrow morning, and speak to her tomorrow night or Sunday…

I second this. If your relationship is that strong outside of this one issue, it’s worth working to save it. She will probably be happy if you suggest it.

i know what you mean. i too have that one perfect woman right now. i would kill myself if she left me cos of something i did or said. it would destroy me. but she’s understanding. like when my car got broken into, she was holding me while i was shouting and screaming and crying like a little russian schoolgirl. if she’s as fantastic as you say she is, then she will understand. if not, then she’s not the one, and there’s someone even better just around the corner.

dont sweat it man. if she loves you, it wont make any difference…

Hand write a sincere note of apology for what you have said to her. Let her know how much and how deeply you love her. Tell her exactly what she means to you. Be sober when you give it to her or talk about it later on. Do everything you can to convey how special she is to you and how much you want her in your life. And shut the He|| up with the macho BS!

I thought you didn’t have a time machine. How do you know what’s going to happen? Let’s not be setting up any self-fulfilling prophecies, 'kay?

Far be it from me to give relationship advice normally, but this seems pretty straight forward to me. If you love her like you say you do, then you just need to talk to her. Tell her you’re sorry, it won’t happen again, and then (here’s the tricky part) don’t do it again!

You can get through this without hurting yourself.


She’s upset because you said stuff during sex?? What could you have possibly said that would make her so upset? I mean, sex talk is sex talk…you’re not supposed to take it that seriously. Now if she says “that doesn’t turn me on”, and you continue to do it, just to annoy her, I could understand her anger. But a one time thing? She needs to get over it.

How long ago did this happen?
Do you have problems now only when it comes to sex?
You need to talk to her like you talked on this board.
You both seem very in love, and working on the relationship will save it.

Good luck.

I agree, I think you might be overreacting. But go sober up, and talk to her about it. If it’s as great as you say, I seriously doubt she’s going to dump you over one little incident.

And here’s the weird part. You said it was early in the relationship when you said it, but you’ve already moved in with her. So I’m assuming the relationship has been going on for some time now and that you said that stuff before you moved in with her. Am I wrong about this?

So why would this suddenly come up now?

Not to be negative, but if she’s this serious about shutting down the relationship about stupid, slutty things said in the heat of passion, you may need to take broader view as to whether she is really your soul mate or not. People say stupid things all the time when they’re super horny or on the edge of an orgasm, and a mature man or woman needs to correct this behavior if they don’t like it in their lover and move on, or get another relationship if the partner refuses to stop.

Obsessing over it and bringing it up again and again, even after the partner has apologized (vs simply leaving you) is a power and emotional manipulation game at this point and you are being played. A mature woman would not play these games. You may have indeed fucked up, but unless it’s something simply beyond the pale, like asking if her sister could join in or some such, you need to stop this passive agressive nonsense with her. If this is part of her life long behavioral strategies toolkit be glad you found out sooner rather than later. Irrespective of your fevered love for her, two kids and mortgage later is no time to find out that this wounded bird mode is her standard relationship MO.

I have got to know what could possibly have been said during sex that was so bad you’d both be dwelling on it a significant period of time into the future.

Dear God, you can’t mean Sir Mix-a-lot lyrics, can you? Oh, the humanity!

Ditto. What’d you say that was so bad??

I realize that I have my own baggage, but the only thing that would turn me off sex would be “Damn, you are a LOT fatter than my last girlfriend” and then him going on and on about better sex with other people mid-coitus.

Good luck - and you really do need to talk about this with her.

You aren’t getting dating tips from Thinksnow are you? Cause if you really told her “You’re my little -*****” she should leave your ass!

[Clerks]“People say the strangest things during sex. One time, I called this girl “Mom”.”[/Clerks]

Please tell me you didn’t say “Mom”.

I know what you’re going through, dude. I’m in this situation myself. Only it’s over something a lot more serious than inappropriate fuck talk. You can beat yourself up all you want, you’ll get tired of it eventually because you just can’t make yourself feel any worse.

I agree with astro there: Do you really want to be in a relationship where she’ll drop you like a wet turd because of some insignificant thing said in the heat of passion? No matter how gorgeous and compatible she might be, that kind of manipulative power trip is a big turn off to me.

So here’s my advice: Drink a tall glass of wake-the-fuck-up juice, get your nose out of the bottom of the glass, turn off the computer, and evaluate your feelings towards this woman. If you decide that she’s still the one for you, apologize sincerely and tell her you realize that it was demeaning, inappropriate, etc. Make up (preferably with sex, and this time watch your mouth) and move on. If you decide otherwise, or she dumps you, consider it a lesson learned. Take your punches like a man, grieve over it, move on and don’t look back.

You know what killing yourself will solve? Absolutely nothing. At best you’ll have made up her mind. She might feel bad about it, but she’ll realize that you weren’t the one for her after all. She’ll move on, find someone else, and you’ll be a distant, bad memory. Is that really how you want her to remember you if your relationship ends?