If memory serves, I think I recall you having similar issues a few years ago, yes?
Yes, you can, because you know it’s not at all true. She’s a horrible person doing horrible things, and she apparently can’t face that about herself.
I think your friends are right.
Good for you! Tough as it is, drinking will not make it better. It will just make you drunk with all the same problems.
Yes. I told her as long as she was staying in the house, she will be paying her share of bills and doing her share of chores. So far, so good on that.
I have an appointment on the 18th of this month with a lawyer. I told Herself that I was not going to make any financial agreements with her until I spoke with him.
Also, she’s not drinking in the house. I grabbed up every bottle of booze in the house and made her take it with her when she was couch-surfing for those few days.
I do find it irritating that she comes home smelling of alcohol every single evening but it’s better than hitting it right in front of me.
Christ, even my acquaintances are more respectful of my trying to get sober than she is.
That’s a pretty bad situation. Just keep reminding yourself that you have a better future on the way. And you’re showing real strength in the face of all this. That’s really admirable.
Then you know who really cares about you, don’t you?
Let us know how it goes with the lawyer, okay?
I’ll definitely keep you guys posted as to what the lawyer says. I’m quite anxious because I fear that I will end up getting screwed on this regardless. I don’t want to sell the house and of course if I do sell, I think she gets half of what we we earn on the sale. Also, I may be forced to buy her out to get her name off the loan. What honks me off about that is that I have been paying the mortgage for the majority of our time in that house. In fact, I’ve been paying for about 80% of all the household bills. To have to pay her to wash her hands of the financial responsibility is like rewarding her for being a selfish ass.
You can always sue her for the money. Try not to fret…thing may not be that bleak. Wait and see what the lawyer says.
I’m so sorry Chao but good for you staying with AA and for making an appointment to see a lawyer right away. So many people screw around with things like that, hoping the financial/legal stuff’s just going to get better on its own. Stay strong.
And, yeah, those were the greatest nicknames ever. I’m particularly fond of the “reincarnation of Foster Brooks.”
suspicion, confrontation, denial, busted! self-loathing, loathing of the other, alcohol, pain, despair, compounding psychotic breaks, light at the end of the tunnel that turned out to be a headlight, false hope, more despair…etc.
Ah … good times.
{{{Chao}}}
I’m trying to keep a positive attitude about the whole thing. If I can keep my house and not have to pay her a dime, things will be fine. I already have someone who will rent a room from me when the smoke clears.
A few of my friends have said as you did that I could sue her for half of what we still owe on the house. But I don’t want to even think about things getting that complicated until I speak with the lawyer. Fortunately the lawyer I’m speaking to is one who specializes in GLBT real estate issues. I hear he’s great at what he does. That eases my mind a bit.
I just want my home and my life back. 
Yes, yes, my memory was correct, I remember when your soul met the universe’s cheese grater.
I hope things have gotten better for you.
Thanks for all the hugs. This is part of the reason I have no problem paying up for a subscription every year.
I’m partial to “the female version of W.C. Fields” and “Keith Richards’ twin sister.”
Forget the loan and the deed. Whose name was on the account used to pay the mortgage? I suggest you contact your bank and mortgage company and get together solid financial records of where the money came from as where it went to. I also think it’s not a good idea to comingle funds without having some sort of contract first, even if all the contract is is a marriage license. At least you have certain rights spelled out if you’re married.
You’re therapist is right. If you can stay sober through this, you’re probably good for life, and I respect you for doing so. You’ve shown grace and common sense under pressure and far too many people don’t. If you need a place to vent to in privacy or yell to for help, please consider Cecil’s Place. It’s an on-line support group for Dopers with clinical depression. We’re no AA, but we’re one more resource you can draw on. You can also e-mail me or PM me if you need to.
Hang in there. There are a whole lot of people around here who are willing to stand beside you when you need it.
ETA: Ah, hell! Situations like this are one of the reasons I support gay marriage. Did you get anything in writing regarding payment of bills or what happens to your property if you split up? Was there any unwritten understanding you think your ex-girlfriend will agree you had?
First, let me say I get a chuckle out of your user name every time I see it. Next, let me say that, as the daughter of a (recovered) alcoholic, I sympathize deeply with your situation, and believe the sooner you can manage to get her out of your life, the better! And third, congrats on staying clean through all of this! As my dear old Dad always said (more than 20 years sober at the time of his death): “My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk!”
In Paradise Lost Milton muses a bit about the effect of inextinguishable fire and the endless physical and spiritual agony on the outcast angels. Comes down to, “They got used to it, changed in adaptation to the environment and got on with their business.”
'swhere I’m at. I’m surviving, but I’m bitter, distrustful, lonely, confused all the time … weak. I consider myself a wrecked human being, a mess not worth cleaning up, yaddayaddayadda. But, what can you do? Some people get davastated by The Cheater, others see The Cheater as the loser of the game because they will never know love or trust. How it affects you I think is just a matter of luck. Wrecked me.
Thank you** Seige,**
I’ve heard of Cecil’s Place but I’ve never posted anything. Maybe now would be a good time.
I do have proof that the mortgage payment came out of my bank account each month but we never did sign any kind of contract regarding what would happen if we split. I consider not doing so to be a valuable lesson learned.
I think she’s in for a rude awakening. We did agree on how to split up the animals. It’s not my ideal but it is best for the animals. She gets her dog and my dog and I get my 3 cats and her 1 cat. I want my dog but she would be devastated to be separated from her big bro. I couldn’t do that to them.
Because she wants the dogs she’s trying to rent a house. In a college town. That accepts dogs and has a fenced in yard. She will be paying as much if not more in household expenses for a place she can’t even call her own. I think it’s slowly dawning on her but ya know, that’s not my problem.
Gay marriage is well and good, but honestly, if this were a divorce she’d very likely have the same issues. When my ex husband and I divorced we co-owned a home we’d owned for a few years. I’d had most of the downpayment, most of the employment, paid most of the bills. For us, what I did was have it appraised and the appraised value came back as pretty much what we owned on the house. He was happy to do a quit claim deed when he recognized there was nothing there to get out. Stupidly, he did not realize that did not free him from the mortgage obligation, so until I refinanced three years later, he was technically responsible for the debt (and therefore unable to get his own mortgage with his new wife).
Chances are pretty good there is little equity (in a falling market and something less than four years of ownership) in Chao’s house. Which means she may be able to trade a refinance for a quit claim deed. The refi won’t be free, but will free her from her ex.
I’m sorry Inigo. This ain’t my first rodeo and I’ve been where you are, bitter, wrecked and seething with anger. PM me sometime if you want to.
Look in the mirror, sweetie…you’re doing everything right, so far. Chin up. I shall dub thee Grace Under Pressure.
So are you saying hypothetically (since you’re not a lawyer and not my lawyer and all that poo) that I could, if need be, just refinance the house, she signs a quit claim deed, I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing and we go on our merry way?