I think that’s the best nickname I’ve ever had. 
(And thank you for not saying Grace Under Fire so I didn’t have to think about that awful show with Bret Butler…D’oh! :smack: )
I have nothing for you but hugs.
{{{Chao}}}
They’re more valuable than gold.
I know today is not a good day for you either. 
{{{MerryMagdalen}}}
This is the best part of the OP, to my mind. Keep up the good work.
I think, reading your OP, you’re pretty clear on where you and your former SO stand with regards to maturity, and morality. But being right is damned cold comfort, I know.
Alas, it’s all I can offer.
For now, just keep getting through each day, and hang in there. I’m rooting for you.
I hope that the lawyer can offer some good news.
That was my first thought as well. Very impressive! And an AWESOME success that you can look to as evidence of your tremendous strength and ability.
Will be interesting to hear what the lawyer has to say about what you can and cannot do. Don’t get your mind set on any single alternative as being the only best option - say getting her to leave the house and re-titling and re-financing in your name alone. In any relationship where parties share ownership both are likely to take at least somewhat of a financial hit from a dissolution. But the main thing is that you get out of what is an unhealthy relationship, minimize the combined damage - financial/social/emotional, and get yourself into the best position where you can write the next chapter in your life.
Good luck.
Chao, I’m probably not on your radar, but I read your A.A. thread and I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup. I can’t even tell you how impressed I am that you’re staying sober through all this. Hang in there. You can get through this.
I have some four-letter words for the ex, but this isn’t the Pit. Keep your chin up.
I’m not a lawyer at all - certainly not yours - nor do I play one on TV. My divorce was almost twenty years ago now, and in Minnesota. But the house thing was handled with a quit claim deed and a refi- and was actually all done sort of independent of the divorce - my divorce attorney did up the quit claim deed for me and sent it to my ex who signed it - but that was all months and months before the divorce was final. And the refi was - as I said - years later. Certainly talk to your own attorney, but if there isn’t any equity, I’m guessing it won’t be too big of a deal.
Is the house your only shared asset/debt?
…
Wow. Rough times, Chao, and sorry your ex is such a so-and-so. Hugs and good wishes, and keep us posted.
Thanks to all of you for the advice and encouragement. The Dope has been an integral part of my sobriety as much as A.A. has. (Oh, I made an irony 
)
Dangerosa, The house and a joint savings account are what we own together. We agreed to let the savings sit until I meet a lawyer. So far she hasn’t made plans to seek her own counsel. In a perfect world I’d like to split the savings 70-30 or 60-40 in my favor since I depleted the damn thing while supporting her ass and she’s only recently been chucking a portion of her check into it to build it back up. We also put our tax refunds into it and my refund was about $800 more than hers. I know she wants 50-50 and I may have to acquiesce. I could live with that and chalk it up to another lesson but I don’t think it’s the most fair.
I won’t settle for her taking even 1% more than half. I’m not by any stretch ruthless but I do want what’s mine. Before we got together I was renting a really nice house and had amassed those things that make a house a home. I brought the living room and dining room furniture into the mix. The washer and dryer were mine as well. I want what I came in with and she should take what she came in with. As far as the things we accumulated together perhaps a game of Scrabble or chess to settle the score. (She hasn’t beaten me yet 
)
Last night was an interesting night. I am watching the son of a mutual friend while mom is away at a conference. Because he’s trying to wrap his 9 year old head around the fact that she and I won’t be living together anymore we decided that all three of us would have dinner together to demonstrate to him that even though we won’t be living together, we don’t hate each other. That actually went quite well, as hard as it is to sit there and look at her mug. Anyway, spending an evening with her in sort of a normal fashion was an eye-opener, even more so than the days of the past two weeks. I was reminded of why I cannot * be with this woman. * Ever. For starters she went to the grocery store to pick up chicken to grill and to get a prescription filled. So yeah, when they tell her that her scrip will take 30 minutes she hightails it next door to a bowling alley to drink while she’s waiting. Every. Single. Day the girl drinks. She’s quickly becoming that drinker. Since I won’t allow her to drink in the house she goes out every single night to a restaurant or a bar to knock back a few or more.
Then this happened and I had to really restrain myself from laughing my arse clean off; she asked if I would be around this weekend and I told her no. I’m going to visit a friend 3 hours away until Sunday. She swears and I ask why. She was planning to go out of town Saturday night to Anytown, USA. I ask what’s there? She tells me she needs discretion on this part. The internal guffaws started about then. She’s going with David Hasselfhoff’s fetus-in-fetu. I couldn’t contain it then, I laughed and rolled wide open eyes. She again maintains that they’re just friends and the only reason they’re going is that Babe Ruth’s ex is moving out of their house this weekend and since the ex is violent Nick Nolte’s soulmate wants to be as far away as possible but needs a friend. The discretion part is because Prime Canidate For The Show “Intervention” is fearful her ex will want to hurt my ex because she too thinks they were and ar having an affair.
My ex is upset because I just can’t believe they’re only friends.
Seriously, what does she expect me to think? I couldn’t care less what they’re relationship is. “We are no longer together, Do what you want” I told her. Now she has to scramble for dog care for the weekend. (I could line somebody up but I won’t offer that until she scrambles a little bit more)
Great Og. I think the girl has become more immature as she’s aged.
Verily, my life will be 100% better without her.
Hear, hear!
My advice is don’t push the fair too much - the lawyers bills will not be worth the few grand. Look at the letting go as part of the healing. And reserve the right to call her a selfish bitch to your friends (who sound like they are eagar to agree). If you can get by with a refi and a quit claim deed, try using the closing costs excuse to get the bigger part of the savings account. And remember that sober and single you’ll have all that money you used to spend going out drinking with her to replentish the accounts.
My ex left me for a woman he’d been fairies with in a past life. And not the limp wristed kind - the pointy shoes and wings kind. Which, I will readily admit, made it SO MUCH EASIER to let go because frankly, who needs someone that nuts in their life. It was still hard, there was the “I lost, I lost, and I want revenge dammit!” part. But after twenty years I have a great story to tell people, and a husband and two wonderful children - none of whom have wings. When the person you should have dumped ages ago dumps you, and leaves you a better person - it takes time, but it takes a lot less time - and eventually you’ll want to send the reincarnation of Ernest Hemmingway a thank you note.
Yeah, I think I truly want her to get gone more than I want the stuff. I was never a materialistic person and am looking forward to the minimalist lifestyle I led before she and I got together.
*Fairies * Dangerosa? Fairies? Wow. Holy crap, wow. I thought my ex-husband was a nutter because he thought he was an incarnation of Jesus H. Christ and Jack Kerouac. Fairies. You’ve got me beat.
Heh. Ernest Hemmingway. Hehe.
Thank you.
And anyone whose occupation is “sheep” is on my radar.
The Chao Goes Mu, I am astounded by your strength. Would that I had half of that right now.
Good luck divesting yourself of this woman.
You know, Chao, I am impressed. Many people would have been weeping and wailing and screaming “What can I do to get her back?” But you are seeing her with clear eyes. That bodes well for your future.
I have no fear that you will get through this much better than she is. And just out of curiousity, why does your ex and Andy Rooney’s Shaggy Eyebrows have to get the heck out of Dodge to avoid the violent husband? Can’t they just get a hotel in town anonymously, and still be nearby to walk the dogs?
(I know, I know, that’s just an excuse. But her logic is :dubious: )
Thank you, Ivylass, for your words of encouragement. I, too, gave my ex the :dubious: when she told me the tale. The way she tells it is that Robert Downey Jr’s ex is moving out of their house this weekend. This ex is also an alcoholic of the violent variety. Mickey Rourke doesn’t want to be around when the move goes down so driving to Anytown is her solution. Problem is, she doesn’t want to go alone so she asked my ex to accompany her. My ex asked I not say anything to anyone, specifically a friend of ours who works with Violent Ex.
So, yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. My ex can’t understand why I, nor the entire small town we live in, have trouble believing that these two aren’t together. Even if they’re not their behavior suggests otherwise. I tried to explain to her that when you create the image of impropriety you have to accept the consequences of that and if nothing’s going on then stop caring about what others think.
I personally think they have a thing but jealousy is not what moves through me at the thought. It’s schadenfreude. Susan Hayward is poison and my ex has no idea what she’s getting into. I sense a dark descent for her and hopefully a stark wake-up call.
I don’t mean to sound callous. I care about my ex and I don’t want to see her get hurt but unfortunately I cannot save her from herself and maybe a dose of true adulthood and the responsibilities that come with it will open her eyes to the train wreck that’s most likely around the bend for her. For starters, I imagine Arthur (we’re moving on to ficitional characters now) will be swilling beer and liquor on the drive to Anytown since I’ve yet to see her drive sober. One day this will bite them both in the ass. Let’s hope it only lands them in a drunk tank and not in a morgue.
I have nothing to add but a {{{Chao}}} - and to compliment your writing style. You’re very entertaining! I’m sorry for the subject matter.
:: post snipped:::
You nailed it. That statement is huge. You cannot save her, just like no one but you could save yourself. And it sounds like you are doing a damned good job of saving yourself*.
Keep it up. Keep up the meetings. One of these days you’ll look at your life and realize that all the craziness is done. When that day happens, well, it truly rocks.
Bravo.
Slee
*Sober 4 years +. It just keeps getting better every day. I didn’t believe that would happen when I first got sober. It is one thing I am happy to be wrong about.