She is using her presence in the house as a control over you and she will keep it as long as she can. Change the locks immediately, put her stuff in boxes in the garage and be done with it. It’s the best for both of you. Any legal entanglements can be dealt with at a later time. She’s probably going to drag that out and make it messy anyway. Tell her that she can pick up her stuff anytime, as long as she arranges ahead of time for you to give her access to the garage. When she comes by, don’t let her into the rest of the house.
And when you’re separating out her stuff, be generous about what is hers and what is yours. If she has any claim on it whatsoever, put it in her pile. It might seem expensive, but it’s the cost of freedom, and freedom is priceless.
Fairness and legal are two different things in this case. If she’s already playing head games with you, I can see police and legal bullshit in your future. It’s only a couple weeks. It’s her house. Resist the urge. Can you ask a friend to hang out there when you’re at work or something?
I don’t think she’ll want any legal entanglements with this. She’s still on probation at her job and she does not want the pot stirred in any way. If she wants to pay me to keep her things in the house for a few weeks then have free reign, I may consider it, but probably not. I’d rather have peace of mind then money. I also am not going to haggle over stupid household items. I’ve been pretty generous so far in what she can have from the “ours” pile.
Getting her out and getting her out fast is more important to me than “things.” I’ve always been the minimalist in the family and “things” are much more important to her than they are to me. She can take the shit and I’ll keep my sanity.
I have to throw my opinion in with those who are saying that as long as she has any legal claim to the property, do not change the locks. I have not been following your situation but if this ex and the relationship are as nasty as this thread makes it sound, I have no doubt in my mind that she will do what she can to make your life miserable.
I would also recommend seeking legal advice on this. In New York, for instance, it is very, very bad for a landlord to lock a tenant out of a leased residence (without a formal eviction). I don’t know what the New York law is locking out a co-owner from a property owned in common, but I do know that I would look it up before I advised any of my clients on what to do in that situation.
You really don’t want to get caught on the wrong side of this one.
Well, maybe I should clarify. It’s not “nasty” per se. She’s passive-aggressive but I highly doubt she’d get police or lawyers involved if I changed the locks. She’ll be pissed, no doubt. But one thing about my ex is that she’s incredibly lazy. She will drag her feet on getting the rest of her stuff out, that I can assure you. If I change the locks she will be more likely to get her stuff and go. If I don’t, I know she will come in any time she damn well pleases and much of when and how will be a passive-aggressive move to unsettle me. She’s doing things like that now and I don’t expect it to change when her bed is under another roof.
Well, if she’s so lazy about getting her stuff, why do you think that she’s suddenly going to motivate herself to do it in the week to ten days that are left before the paperwork is final?
Another one for Wait until Close. Before then, it can be a can of worms. After that, the place is yours and everything changes.
Do Not Tell Her In Advance. Like Leviosaurus said, it can be viewed as a hostile act, and she might decide to be unpleasantly less than passive-aggresive because of it.
Just keep quiet, keep the ball rolling, and have the locksmith meet you at the door when you come home from closing the deal. Then when she wants her stuff, you have everything in place to make it be at your convenience without worrying about whether or not she’ll show up when you’re not there and take something (or trash something and deny it). You’ll also be able to politely brush off howls of outrage about her stuff by calmly stating that she’s had a lot of time to pick it up before that point, and she knew when the close was…
Another vote for “Talk to a lawyer”. If your partner’s name is still on any paperwork or she’s still technically part owner, or even if she just has some of her property there, you could get into some legal issues if you just lock her out with no notification. You may be able to get the right answer from free legal services in your town and it’s worth doing this kind of thing by the book (which might be as simple as sending her notification that you’re changing the locks and arranging time for her to come pick up her stuff). IANAL and laws will vary by location.
Well damn. I just talked to my friend who’s a police officer in my town and she said that if I changed the locks, Princess could call the police and I’d have to let her in. The law is the law but it’s bullshit. Maybe I can just try asking the ex not to come and go and to be respectful by making arrangements with me before coming over.
We’ll see how that goes. Like I said, I can’t trust her.
Since her being so lazy and not getting her stuff by the pre-determined date is such a huge issue (it’d totally piss me off too), why haven’t you started boxing up all her stuff for her already? Yeah, she’ll throw a hissy fit but it’s no longer your job to be accommodating to a crazy person. You have rights too.
Except it still is her house. Don’t do anything until you have refinanced the house and she signs the deed. Otherwise, this could get really ugly. Until she signs that deed, the house is still hers as well and it could very well muck things up.
Then she won’t be able to come inside your house and lie down on your couch.
You might also want to change the number on your phone, so she can’t call you up at home.
Also consider changing the kind of car you drive, the kind of clothes you wear, the tracks underneath the train, and the name of the town in which you live.
Until her name is off the deed of the house, it is an OUR house (you and her, not you and I), not a YOUR house. If it’s true on paper, it’s true in the eyes of the courts. She is entitled to come and go as she pleases and you can’t really do shit about it.
Even if it just your house and she is technically your tenant, you can’t simply throw her stuff out on the street and change the locks.
I would also not rely on her not wanting to “stir the pot”. If you piss off someone who’s already under some stress, they might decide that you are going to be the one to bear the brunt of all that drama. She could very easily make it very hard for you to resolve this. For example, she may decide to fight you for custody of the house which might force a judgment to sell the property and split the proceeds, after which she might make it impossible for you to sell it. ie, my girlfriend’s friend’s what became her ex would sit around the house drinking with his shiftless buddies whenever the house was being shown.
People often forget that what their sense of personal justice and entitlement allow them to do is not often the same as what the law allows them to do. As others suggested, get a lawyer and keep things civil at least until it’s just your name on the lease.
BOOYA! Good man, Chao! That’s the right attitude! You’re the winner for picking up and moving on.
IANAL but I know courts really really really do everything possible to prevent domestic disturbances from happening. If you get hauled into court and can say A. She moved out B. She isn’t paying the bills C. You both are in the process of getting her name off the papers and D. She has access to her stuff as long as she calls you and arranges with an hour’s notice, then it’s going to be a rare judge that gives you any trouble over changing the locks - especiaslly with you in AA and trying to turn your life around, and her drinking in front of you. If it gets that far they might tell you to change the locks back. But she can’t show that you’ve damaged her in any way - she’s already signalled her intent to leave and hand the house over to you, and you’re providing access to her items on her request.
One vote for wait until the paperwork is done. You would literally be locking her out of her house, no matter how much it doesn’t feel like it.
Furthermore, I don’t think you have a single leg to stand on to compel to pay rent or a share of the mortgage until she is off of the mortgage and title. The bank doesn’t care who they get their money from, you are both on the hook, and it is clear that there is no preexisting agreement for how you both are to share any mortgage costs.
Do the right thing and gut out a couple more weeks until it is all nice and legal. You will soon forget about the annoyance of the next couple weeks. If you lock her out and she decides to pursue legal remedies, you are going to have trouble on your hands for a lot longer. (And I fail to see what her suing your butt for locking her out of both of yours’ house has anything to do with her being on probation at work. Is this some kind of probation that doesn’t allow employees to sue to remedy a tort?)
Once the paperwork is done, do whatever you like with zero obligation to tell her. Change the locks, get a guard dog, paint it polka-dot orange. Only then should you knock yourself out.
I think you should focus on helping her along in the “getting her stuff out” area, if she’s dragging her feet. Put it all by the door now, help call the movers, whatever. A little extra work now can save a lot of grief later.
Talk to a lawyer is good advice. Don’t you already have one to do the divorce? I think people are mixing up ownership with tennancy. Once she is not a tennat, then the strong renter’s laws should not apply and you would be dealing with common law. Under common law she would have to show how locking her out caused her a financial loss, and I don’t see any. Taking people to court is not as easy as many seem to think. Ianal.