Locks? Questionable, but depends on a lot of issues.
Removing key items from the house for safe keeping? Wise. My ex had a habit of destroying key papers and then denying she’d done it, of damaging or destroying items she knew I liked. Fortunately, our end came differently, with her removed under an order for protection, and I had plenty of time to move my stuff out. Had it been the other way, I have no doubt that everything that was mine or known to be valued by me (including my cats) would have been destroyed.
But that was a lot harsher situation.
Still, wise to consider removing key items and putting them into a safe deposit box or into a storage unit. Especially financial papers and heirlooms.
It may look recoverable now, but it could change in a heartbeat.
But likewise, it may seem bleak now, and she may come to her senses and come home.
Echoing others here to say that you should change the locks only if you’re certain the marriage is done and you have no hope of it being recoverable. While it may be prudent, I’d argue that in our culture it’s short hand for a final, irrevocable break in relations. While not everybody may react to it that way, enough would that it might send the wrong message.
Changing the locks to me says “Bitch, get out and don’t come back.” From your OP that doesn’t seem like what you want to say to her. So I’d leave the locks as is.
Yeah, I can understand the lock thing because she’s leaving you in the dark. You have no idea what her motivations are, only that she’s suddenly unreliable. It’s not unreasonable to fear she might wreck your stuff or, as noted above, destroy paperwork or something.
As I read the OP, I thought, “If a woman made this post, no one would hesitate for a nanosecond to say it was reasonable.” Why should you be any less careful about your assets, belongings, and personal safety (on the very slight chance she might want to hurt you)?
I can’t agree with changing the locks. She’s still your wife, so she’s still allowed to be in her home. She hasn’t threatened you physically or shown any indications that she is an actual danger. Remove or lock up anything valuable that is yours. (And Cinnamon, as a woman, I’d tell any woman whose husband was leaving her the same thing. There is no evidence of danger here.)
Not creepy, controlling, or manipulative – more like punishment. “You’re leaving me? Well, I’ll show you!”
It might seem generous to leave half the money in the accounts, but it’s only what she’s entitled to. Of course, you have no obligation to make it easy for her, but doing these things so soon, and without discussing it with her first – you’re closing a door that you say you want left open. If you want to save your marriage, now’s the time to be the bigger man.
It’s natural to be angry and want to strike back at the person who hurts us. Hell, if my husband said he was leaving, I’d probably set fire to his Harley. But I hope someone would stop me.
But if I were her, my desire to divorce would be a lot greater now.
(Totally unrelated: when I told my now former fiance that I had some questions and items to discuss, rather than talk them out with me he immediately demanded the ring back. Not creepy, not controlling, not manipulative. Made the decision to walk away a lot easier though. [And yes, I gave the ring back.])
If you let her get all her stuff out, OP, then changing the locks isn’t holding any of it “hostage.” Problem is that in a LTR there’s so_much_stuff, and some of it may predate your relationship but a lot of it is stuff you got together. “You take half the plates; I’ll keep the sofa and you take the loveseat” kinds of discussions would follow. If you go through that, the psychological momentum isn’t carrying you toward patching up the relationship. You may feel safer that your stuff is secure, but it’s easier to go through with divorce if you’ve already done that because it’s one of the more daunting obstacles.
I’ve been-there/done-that. The problem I see arising for you, OP, is that you will probably have no reliable information from her. One day, you talk and she’s feeling sentimental, doesn’t want to let it go, etc. and you gather that you’ve been too rash, moving the money etc. and you have hope. The next time you see her, you expect more of that but she’s thinking that it can’t work and she needs to get on with her life so she’s cool/cold and you get blindsided. You never know which one of her you’re going to get. Pretty soon you’re responding the same way. ‘Last time I saw her, she was cold, so I should be cold.’ Except she was in a conciliatory mood and your behavior turned her off :smack:
Every relationship worth a nickel is based on trust. That’s already compromised and may not be retrievable. My belief is that when you’re unsure what someone’s agenda is, watch what they do instead of what they say. Her action of moving out is setting in motion a chain of events and if you really want her back, you need to stop before it escalates even further.
Talk it out and arrive at a decision, IOW, or at least set a deadline. IMO being married can be hell, being divorced can be hell, but neither holds a candle to the uncertainty of separation.
I’ll continue the hijack just a little to say that, since he seems to be the one with the earning responsibility, he also is probably going to be the one with the bill-paying responsibility for most of their jointly-owned possesions. As such, since he will be out for home repairs and other unexpected costs, I do not think it is unfair of him to take more than half. I’d almost say it would be better to put the money in an account wehre no one can make a withdrawal without a signiature from both parties, excet that can lead to some wierd situations.
This is what I would think if I came home and found the locks changed. Are you afraid she’s going to steal your stuff? If not, why do you want to change the locks? Think it through carefully. You are burning a bridge if you do this. Be advised.
As for the finances: you should really consult a lawyer before you do anything. It could bite you in the ass. She might be entitled to half that direct deposit you plan on diverting. I don’t blame you for wanting to safeguard your finances, but make sure you’re not doing anything that will be a problem for you later. And again, this brings up the question: what are you afraid of? That she will steal from you or clean you out?
If you think she will rob you, is this a marriage you really want to save? Or are you kneejerking out of anger and fear? The latter is understandable, but you might not want to act on it, because you could regret it later. Then, you will be fighting about you changing the locks and screwing with the bank accounts instead of discussing why she left and how to save your marriage.
I agree with what most of the other posters have said: taking half the money makes perfect sense. Same with diverting the direct deposit. I don’t think changing the locks is a good idea unless you discuss it with her first. Someone mentioned moving anything you particularly value to one room and locking that room–that seems less extreme to me. If I were in that situation I would definitely be moving the things I cared about out of the other person’s reach, especially if the person was showing evidence of mental instability (and from what you described in the other thread, she arguably could be).
And if not planning on contacting a lawyer, then document all the money-moving and lock-changing. It’ll certainly come up later, if there’s no reconciliation. And if not documented, that will look shady.
Kim wanted to leave, so she left. Her feelings and behavior are in line, though what the ultimate outcome will be no one knows. Skald can’t account for what Kim might think or do next, only what he does and how that will represent how he feels. He says he wants to reunite. Changing the locks does not send that message. Taking your money and changing your direct deposit do not scream “reconciliation!” either. That’s OK, as long as you realize that your actions send a different message than your stated feelings. Expect her to be angry, hurt, further alienated, etc. If that’s the desired outcome, cool. If it’s not, don’t do it.
I don’t blame Skald for wanting to protect his money and possessions, as long as they really need protecting and he isn’t lashing out or trying to hurt her by doing this. If he is, he’s widening the gap in their marriage that he claims he wants to save. Yes, she left him, she hurt him, and he wants to show her that, but tit for tat is not the way to go. IMO, he should only take the actions he mentions in the OP if he really feels at risk, or if he doesn’t give a damn how it makes her feel. Either would be justified, as long as he recognizes the consequences.
I agree generally, but I’m not sure how to interpret the underlined. Kim left him the same decision, how to interpret her actions and possibly react to them. I don’t think it’s totally inconsistent to say, “I want this to work, but given that she moved out, I have to adjust my decision about what I do about the situation.”
Maybe Kim realized that and fully accepted the potential ramifications when she made her decision. If she hadn’t moved out, Skald wouldn’t be considering these things. It would be unfortunate if she didn’t see her decision as part of the cause for his reaction.
I don’t read his desire to change locks and move money as revenge, tit for tat, whatever. Of course, what really matters is how Kim perceives the situation and reacts.
I think in a situation like this, protecting yourself and doing what’s best for the marriage are often (always?) diametrically opposed. “I’m protecting myself” = “I need to protect myself because I’m not sure this will work.” Both have to realize that everything they say and do has the potential to trigger the other until it’s just a death spiral.
I am OK with taking half the money currently in the accounts, and moving the pay deposit to the new account. I think that is reasonable and prudent. She still has access to half the money so she can pay for an apartment and food, and transportation until she can get a job.
Changing the locks is slightly a problem, as we run into the whole joint property.
HOWEVER she did leave him, that can be considered spousal abandonment. A pretty unusual form, as usually it is the hubby who bails out on the wife and kids … and abandonment is generally a cause for divorce, so it hits a grey area.
I don’t like the idea of someone who is obviously intending to leave me having access to my stuff if I am not home … I have had roommates steal from me before so I get twitchy at that thought. An option that might be better would be to move all her remaining goods to a storage locker, pay for it for a month, and put a combination lock on it and email her the location of the locker and combination [making sure that the rental office knows it is for her and she has access]
get a lawyer, even if you want to reconcile. You need to do this in as friendly a manner as possible if you want any chance of winnign her back.
Quibble: She has access to what was in the account at the time he closed it. Could be $50, could be $5,000. Might be enough to keep her from sleeping in the car, maybe not.
Setting up the new account was prudent. But if I’m understanding correctly, the only money she now has is whatever is left in the original account. Sorry, but I have to echo the sentiment that this sounds like punishment and/or manipulation, like you’re trying to make her see just how good she had it with you.
As for the locks, I think you’re asking for trouble by changing them. If you are concerned that she will take stuff belonging to you, lock that stuff up in a separate room.
I would never let her sleep in the car. I’d get a cheap apartment for myself and let her stay here first. Of course, she’s already gone.
Thanks, everybody, for all the advice. I think Rand Rover and the others who advised that this made it look as if I were looking for a divorce are right. So my amended plan is to leave the locks as they are, but move sensitive papers and such into my sister’s safety deposit box, to which I have a key but my wife does not; and to set up an auto-transfer from the new account (to which the direct deposit will soon be going) to the old account, for half my paycheck, until things get sorted out. That way I can be sure that she has money to live on.