As a recently separated guy who is living in a rural, unabomber style house, sinking into a drunken, lonely lifestyle, I try to keep up with the household chores as best I know how.
When company, especially a female comes over, I wash the dishes, wipe the kitchen counters, clean the toilets, and vacuum. I sit back confident in my housekeeping abilities. When any female comes in, she looks around the house with that motherly sneer on her face and asks if I ever clean the house…*shrugs.
To keep it gender neutral…how in the fuck do you keep a house so clean that any guest would come in and say “Wow! I could eat off of these floors!” Because I want that reaction next time.
Or, in the alternative, a neutral reaction would be nice. Suggestions?
Meh. It’s more of my running joke because it’s so rural. It’s a 750 sq foot house, but the inside is well finished. Indoor plumbing. AC/central heat. High speed internet. But I isolate myself out here, so I’ve taken to calling it my unabomber house..
ETA: Oh, but the decor could use a female…er designer’s touch.. Again, nothing terrible, but nothing stylish..
Did you do any/all of the following? Chicks notice these things.
[ul]
[li]Mop the floors[/li][li]Clean the sinks[/li][li]Clean the windows[/li][li]Do any dusting[/li][li]Launder the towels[/li][li]Launder the sheets[/li][li]Do the rest of the laundry[/li][li]Put away the laundry[/li][li]Put away the dishes[/li][li]Take out the cobwebs above the front door[/li][li]Take out the garbage[/li][li]New filters in the AC[/li][li]Clean the AC vents[/li][li]Clean the curtains[/li][li]Tidy your man crap away[/li][/ul]
House cleaning is a maintenance thing. If you live in a sty and only clean when someone’s coming over your house won’t be as clean as if you constantly clean as you go. It’s like brushing your teeth.
Make sure it smells clean. I don’t necessarily mean Febreez or scented candles, but open some windows often and let it air out. I dated a guy with a chronic case of bacheloritis who owned a ferret. It smelled of ferret, unlaundred clothes, dust, stale air. The living room was usually fairly “tidy” and the dishes in the kitchen were done, but the house felt dirty all the time from the undusted fixtures, the little nicknacks and cards that yellowed with age, and the smells. The smells were so bad my clothes reeked of his house when I got home, and couldnt be worn again until I washed them.
Clean surfaces, not just the kitchen counter (but that’s a great start!)
Coffee table with nothing on it but a remote, couch with nothing on it but maybe a folded up blanket, nothing piled up next to the door, kitchen table with nothing on it but maybe a centerpiece, nothing on the bathroom sink but soap and Dixie cups, clothes dresser top organized, bed with nothing but sleeping tools on it (and no stains).
All of these things, plus cleaning pretty much everywhere - clean the baseboards, clean the windowsills, wash the lightswitches, wash the cupboard fronts, get right into the corners and clean those, too, clean the whole stove (even under the burners), dust all your light fixtures, dust the blinds.
This is a list for a twice-yearly type clean, not a weekly clean, but if you’re looking to impress the ladies, you need to clean everything.
There are some quick and easy (and cheap) fixes you can make to your house, too, that will impress people - new light and bathroom fixtures don’t cost much, and they look very nice once installed. New switchplate covers. New electrical outlet covers. Throw rugs to cover a less than stellar carpet. A new bedspread, sheets, and pillow cases. That kind of thing.
Weekly cleanings. Dusting/vacuuming/cleaning mirrors/hitting the sinks with baking soda and blue cleaning fluid of your choice. Once a month, mop the tile floors and treat the hard wood floors. Takes 2-5 hours, depending on the size of your dwelling, but is well worth it on a weekly basis.
Ferret-man, whom I mentioned previously had bread so old (and it was Wonder Bread, so no it hadn’t gone mouldy) that it tasted like ferret musk when I ate it. He also have food of indeterminate age hiding in the cupboards. Old food stinks. (But not as much as ferrets)
A good resource for cleaning is FlyLady.net . She is a bit preachy on the God-stuff, but gives you ideas of routines to keep your place SHINY (one of her favourite words) in short easy time blocks.
My usual answer is ABCD. Ashtrays, beds, clothes, dishes. If the ashtrays (assuming you have them) are empty, the bed is made, the clothes are folded and put away, and the dishes are done, you’re good. Anything else just means people live here, dammit. But it sounds like yeah, you need to be vacuuming and sweeping once a week at the least.
If you live in a Unabomber-style house, how do you even have room for a guest? You mean two people can actually fit inside at the same time? [sub]Yes, I know you already addressed the size of the place.[/sub]
Practical suggestion: You can do housecleaning and have guests, or do neither. Choose.
Yeah, chicks are waaaaaaay too much trouble. What could they possibly do for you that is worth all that? Take that into account in making your above-suggested choice.
ETA: Or, only invite other bachelors to be your guests.
Do you have wastebaskets? I used to date a guy who lived in a place much like you describe and he only used empty brown paper bags as wastebaskets. Getting him some of the real thing made his house seem a lot cleaner to me. He even agreed with me.
Also, if you spray some cleaner like 409 into the sink and wipe it out with a paper towel right before your company arrives it will make the house seem 100% cleaner.
[sub]Yes, I know you already addressed the size of the place.[/sub]