Tell me your cute widdle kiddie stories, please.

In My Humble Opinion
41

Another from me. By the way, I’ve got lots.

The twins were a bit older than they were in the OP and going to pre-school. When I picked them up, the owner of the pre-school told me that they had a whole day of “Stranger Danger” type activities.

So there we were, walking down 5th Ave in Park Slope, in Brooklyn at 5:30 in the evening with all and sundry out enjoying the lovely spring weather and I had gas. I let it out my rear as discretely as possible. My daughter, who learned her lessons too well, started yelling at the top of her voice.

“POLICE! POLICE! MOMMY FARTED! POLICE!”

42

I’m sitting here, giggling, with my Friday night drink. Keep 'em coming, folks! Some of us don’t have any kids. :slight_smile:

43

My precious pair have taken this scenario one step further.

They will be sitting on the couch making hitting noises with their hands and try to get the other one in trouble.

I haven’t fallen for it yet.

44

I don’t have any, can I tell one on myself? When I was three, my parents took me to my first big church wedding. I’d never seen a bride in a gown with a train before, so when she went past I yelled in my loud three-year-old voice - “Mama! Her dress is too big! It’s on the floor behind her!”

Also, I threw up at the reception and still can’t eat Havarti cheese without feeling ill.

45

Another story in the same vein. My six-year-old thinks that the rules we have for him should apply as well to his 3 1/2-yr old brother, so he is eager to inform us of his younger sibling’s transgressions.

A few months ago, the six-year-old calls me, thinking that his younger brother will get in trouble: “Dad, I stopped kicking him, and he’s still hitting me!”

46

Do cute kids at my work count?

Little boy (about 3) and his parents were walking past one of our taxidermy specimens, a gorilla. He points to it and says “look, a hippo!” I just about doubled over laughing.

A coworker experienced this one:

In one of our exhibits, there’s a darkened room that has sound effects playing…they’re supposed to be vaguely nautical sounding, like a rocking boat (but they sound to me more like bad indigestion). The sound system for this is hidden behind a curtain, in front of which is a bench. A child and her mother walked into the room, and the mother invited the girl to sit on said bench.

The girl frowned and said “but mommy, this bench is growling!”

47

I don’t have any kids, but a friend of mine has a little girl who’s provided me with enough adorable stories to fill this thread. She’s four and - this is pertinent to the anecdote - their family is Indian, although they’re currently living in the US.

My friend had a dinner party, and one of the other guests asked her daughter:

T (the guest): V [child], how many languages do you speak?
V, very seriously: Three. I speak English and Hindi and Chinese.
T, startled: You speak Chinese? Say something in Chinese.
V: Como estas?

Laughter ensued.

I used to teach English as a Foreign Language to elementary school kids. There are a few phrases that I had no idea I had quite so often until I started hearing them repeated back to me by my kids. “Oh my god!” was a favorite, as was “okey-dokey”.

My third graders had a quiz that involved them looking at verbs and identifying whether or not they could or could not do them. So, if the given verb was “read”, they should write “I can read”. One of the verbs was “fly”, and one of my poorer (and least attentive) students (who had given me a lot of trouble) wrote that he could, in fact, fly. This might seem mean, but this kid had been a handful and never did his homework and was generally very naughty, so I didn’t think a little bit of gentle public teasing would be amiss.

When I handed back the quizzes, I told the class:

Me, in Bulgarian: I don’t know if all of you knew this, but Stefan can fly.
One of my other students, Simona, in English(!!!): OH MY GOD!
Me: hysterical laughter

So I know I taught my kids at least one thing. Go me.

48

My son’s 20 months old, just started talking a few weeks ago. Last week, I was changing his diaper, and he was staring at me. I met his eyes, and he did this elaborate shrug, and said, “What?” with great enunciation.
When he was a baby, he used to giggle furiously, and lean towards Mr. Lissar with his mouth open, blinking. And then bite him on the nose. Usually gently. And then fall over laughing. We have lots of pictures of it- he did it from about five months through a year.

49

Reminds me of something else my little one does:

A few days a week, the little Torqueling stays at my wife’s mother’s house during the day while we parents go to work. My mother-in-law also watches David, my wife’s brother’s littlest kid (Torqueling’s cousin). Well, one day, my kid bit David, and got in big trouble with Grammy and us over it.

So now if we ask her what she did that day, and David comes up, it goes something like, “Did you have fun today?” “Yes.” “What did you do?” “Played.” “Did you play with David?” “Yes. [emphatically] I didn’t bite David!”

Just sort of preempting the accusation, I guess.

50

On the way home from the grocery a few days ago my younger son, 4; “Mom, I’m just going to buys you some flowers when I grow up because you will like that…girls like flowers because they like to touch them because they are not slimy like frogs…but toads are not slimy, they’re dry like flowers so you might like to touch a toad…”

I don’t want to put any hindrance whatsoever on him ever getting me a present so I VERY carefully tell him in the kindest way possible that I would LOVE getting flowers ANYTIME, but that toads are not something I would like to touch even if they are dry.

My older son, also in the car, got a big laugh out of the conversation and felt very superior to his little brother while he explained that girls like flowers because of how they look and smell and that they don’t like things that pee in your hands.

This from someone who peed on me many, many times.

I was quiet.

51

Sigh … I’ve reached the stage of life where I’ve forgotten the cute things my kids did, but am delighted by the cute things my grandkids do.

Oldest granddaughter was about 18 months old and was in her high-chair at the table. Our youngest daughter was talking and said something that included the word, “Crap”. My oldest daughter (mother of the grandkid) said, “Please watch what you say … she’s like a little parrot.”

Less than 2 minutes later, oldest daughter dropped a bowl of rice onto the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, she muttered, “Son of a …”.

My granddaughter immediately filled in the blank with, “Beeyitch, mommy … son of a beeyitch!”

At which point my youngest daughter said, “I want a parrot, too!”

52

Been a long-time lurker, but this thread has finally urged me to post. Have a few to contribute.

First comes from a few years ago. Was walking my kids home from daycare, and was stressing the importance of holding hands when you walk across the street. I told them of how when I was little, I actually got hit by a car as I was walking across the street because I wasn’t holding on to anyone’s hand. (True story (and was on my 8th birthday to boot. Great birthday that was. :frowning: ) Wasn’t too serious, and I was able to pick myself up and continue walking to school.)

The kids looked at me with wide-eyed wonder and I knew that I’d finally reached them.

The oldest (my daughter) then piped up, with awe in her voice: “Wow, Daddy! You were little once???”

sigh

The next two are a bit more recent.

We decided to order pizza for the kids. They each piped up with what toppings they wante,d but couldn’t agree. I suggested that they do “rock, paper, scissors” to determine who gets to pick the toppings.

Immediately, my four year old boy pipes up: “I wanna be ‘rock’!”

sigh

We recently took a family camping trip in the US (note, we live in Canada). Toi entertain us on the long car ride, I put my iPod on (along with that neat attachment that lets you listen to it through the radio) and tucked it away in a pocket of the car so that it won’t be in my way driving.

We got to the border and I explained to the kids what the border was about, that they were searching the cars and asking questions to see if they were trying to hide anything to sneak into the United States.

“Like your iPod, Daddy?” my seven-year-old daughter pipes up.

“No, I’m not hiding my iPod!”

“Yes you are! Daddy’s hiding something! Daddy’s hiding something!” she starts singing.

Now, I’m quite worried, I can see they’re finishing up with the car ahead of me and my turn at the border station is imminent. Her “song” is the last thing I want them to hear (a friend of my dad’s is an ex-border guard and he says that kind of behaviour from kids is exactly the kind of thing they watch for when looking at cars crossing (bit of free advice for y’all))

“I’m not hiding anything! Be quiet as we go to the border station!”

The questioning from the customs official goes off OK, and the kids only offer a cheerful “hi” to the agent. As we pull away from the station, my daughter asks:

“Daddy, why is it illegal to have an iPod in the United States?”

53

When my oldest was 4 or so, we were discussing hitting (well, not hitting). He explained to me that it was OK to hit someone “if they hit you back”.

54

This one I did. I was maybe 4, and visiting my grandparents. I happened to be in the bathroom when my grandmother took out her dentures and started to clean them.

I got this very puzzled look on my face, grabbed my teeth, and said, “But Grandma, God glued mine in!”

=========

My son was 2, and my wife was hospitalized for fluid around her heart. I was with him and my inlaws for a visit, and wifey decided she wanted to go to the gift shop. It was also pet therapy night.

The elevator opened, and there was a Newfoundland on a leash right in front of us. Vunderkind bugged out his eyes, and said, “Ho gee shit, that’s a big dog!”

In 4 part harmony, the rest of us said, “You’ve been spending too much time with papaw.”

55

My nephew was four at the time and went to the kindergarden for the very first time.
Now he was exceptionally bright for his age and always had a way of delivering killing punchlines (still has!).
This kid will see what kind of response you are expecting from him and after playing a bit with you, he will deliver the killing blow.

After returning home from the kindergarden, his grandmother called and asked him on the phone. Grandmother was acting very cheerful as he was her very first grandchild…

Grandma: -Ohhhhh!!! Your very first day at the kindergarden!!! Please, I want you to tell me everything, I want to hear form you everything that happened from the very beginning.

  • Nephew: -[Speaking with a VERY serious voice] No grandma. I will only tell you how it ended.

… and then I went home.

and hangs up the phone.

Priceless…

56

Whenever we are driving my son uses that time to bombard me with all sorts of stuff…Just last week:

My son, who is almost six asked if some couples don’t have children. I said that not everyone has children and cited a few couples who are friends of ours that don’t have any.
He was thinking and thinking and then said, “Well then, they must not dance or kiss”.
I asked why he thought that, and he said, “because THAT is how you get babies!”, as if I should KNOW that.

Luckily we arrived at our destination at that point, and I staved off the where do baby’s come from chat for a bit longer. So far he knows that it takes an egg from the mom and “something” from the dad to make a baby. He got that from watching an episode of “The Magic School Bus”, which was all about a chicken making an egg. He has known that much for a couple years now.

I just know he will be the kid in his class telling everyone else where babies come from, because he has always been pretty spot on about it, when it comes up. I always try and tell him just as much information as he is asking, and nothing more, but he is asking a LOT for a kid his age!

57

I explained the plumbing to Fang when he was three, and Mrs. Magill was pregnant with Spike. I figured I should sate his curiosity and not make it some big taboo subject. That strategy seems to have worked out for us.

My entry: Fang (now six) and Spike (now two) were in the playroom. I think Fang was building a Hot Wheel track. Spike, being two, thinks his brother walks on water, and will agree to nearly anything Fang suggests.

Fang was working on his track, and Spike was flinging a ball around in the play room; they both just having been banished form the kitchen while I was cooking dinner. I’m cooking when I hear the ball hit the wall (a not uncommon occurrence).

“Spike!” I hear Fang exclaim, “Are you trying to kill me?”

Silence…

“Okay!” Spike agrees, and I hear the ball again.

58

I thought that too when I was a kid!

I also used to get worried when my dad would crack open a water bottle in the car: “But Daddy, you’re not supposed to drink and drive!”

59

Aww, that is adorable.

60

When my third niece was about three, she and her mom went for a walk down the sidewalk. They have an eel in the fish tank at home (her Dad’s hobby). It had just rained, and there were worms out on the sidewalk. N3 said, “Look, Mommy! Eels!” pointing at the worms. My sister said, “No, honey, those aren’t eels, those are worms.” N3 said insistently, “They ARE eels!” She pondered for a minute and then added, “They are not at all delicious.”

It’s become family short-hand whenever anything is not good or not what it seems, i.e.: “How was your day?” “It was not at all delicious.”

My brother is a single father of two kids and has been since his daughter was 2 and his son was 6 months. When they were young, he frequently had one or both kids end up in his bed at night. He also had to frequently tell the two of them to stop fighting with each other, which of course they did (and do) all the time.

Once we were all riding in the car, the kids in the back seat, and his two, then about 3 and 5, were bickering with each other. My brother yells back, “Son, what’s the rule?” clearly thinking the response will be “no fighting.” The boy thinks for a minute and replies, “No pee pee in daddy’s bed.”