Hm. Well, since I MUST live up to my username, I will run Yosemite National Park through your criteria. I visit usually once a year, but don’t pretend to be the ultimate authority.
1) We hate lines.
In the summer months (especially weekends) you will find lines at certain spots, like waiting in line at the grocery store (Village Store) or trying to get a parking spot. But nothing in the line of a Disneyland or DisneyWorld.
**2) I really don’t care for sweat rolling betwixt my breasts (unless it’s during rampant sex). **
It’s not TOO hot up there, depending on what you consider “hot”. It’s in the mountains of California. It’s not humid like in Florida, though.
**3) We’d rather do a villa than a hotel room. Key are: separate sleeping areas and a kitchen. **
I usually like to stay in one of the Park’s “official” lodgings, like Curry Village or Yosemite Lodge in Yosemite Valley. But there are plenty of condos and B&Bs outside of the Valley, or very near the Park that have built-in kitchens. I don’t know if the Park has any lodging that offers kitchens, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
4) We don’t need to dine out every meal.
No…I often eat in my room at Yosemite. Of course, you have to be careful with food in your car (the bears will open your car like a tin can to get to it) but I’ve always managed to eat well without spending too much money on restaurants.
**5) Max for all, including travel, is $4000/week. **
I am not sure what that would all cover, but Yosemite is pretty cheap, barring lodging. It’s all about the scenery. Lodging at Yosemite (and nearabouts) is about $100 - $120 a night. It can be much cheaper, it depends. Blow your money on film - you’ll need it!
6) We hate crowds.
It gets relatively crowded in the summer, but since Yosemite is a HUGE place, there are plenty of spots you can find for solitude. It’s best during the mid-week.
7) I won’t take the kids out of school for a vacation.
It’s gorgeous in the summer!
**8) We’d prefer to stay in the contiguous U.S. until the kids are older. **
It’s in California!
I have some nice Yosemite photos on my website. Also, check out http://www.yosemitefun.com. It’s a gorgeous place - absolutely stunning. Perhaps you’ve already gone, in which case you already know that. But for sure - your kids will never forget a visit to Yosemite!