In the OP, you imply that your daughter likes the drama of conflict and enjoys feeling martyred.
This is you too. Can’t convince me otherwise.
Acknowledged upthread already, with a subsequent observation that it is not relevant to the topic of the thread or to… really, anything important.
I totally dig conflict, in written formats. And my favorite part is being right. 
Which, I guess is about what “martyr” means in written contexts–feeling certain you’re right while most everyone else insists you’re wrong, and knowing you’ve done exactly what you ought to do about it. So yeah.
Still not relevant.
ETA: Btw the above traits can totally be positive contributors to awesome careers or other lifepaths. It’s only bad when she does it to me.
I skipped the immense majority of the thread so I’m probably repeating but - what about your wife’s side? Maybe not her, but siblings, parents, cousins? Your mother in law won’t be a drama empress for the stage, uh?
When The Nephew was little, his mother and maternal grandmother would freak out at some of the things he’d do. When they started describing them to my mother, my aunts and uncles, me or any of the older cousins on our side, we’d not just recognize the behavior but be able to continue the description; it turns out that all those “abnormal” things were perfectly normal… for our side.
Then his sister, who in many respects is very different from him, went and repeated a lot of those behaviors.
Dealing with them the way SiL’s family was used to dealing with kids didn’t work; they have had to learn how to deal with them our way (this includes their father, who actually is one of my family members who least exhibits those behaviors - as my grandmother used to say, “my grandchildren shall avenge me!”; Dad, your grandchildren have very much avenged you).
As for the advanced school program she is in, it doesn’t sound as though there’s any real cause for concern there. I’m completely opposed to homework for the elementary school set, and educational research supports the notion that it is more or less useless. But so many schools assign homework these days that it’s virtually impossible to avoid. Alas. If possible, though, I would try to avoid power struggles over homework. Reiterate the rules (no TV until homework is done), then step back and let her decide how long she wants to spend on the work, rather than micromanaging each completed problem. Easier said than done, I know. But again, it seems to be the “any attention is better than no attention” issue.
Ultimately, whether she is a high academic achiever is up to her. I’m an academic, and I wish I had a nickel for every time a student has assured me he/she is “gifted” (usually at the end of the semester, like now, when panic mode sets in about potentially disappointing final grades). It matters not one whit to me whether a student was once declared gifted if he/she achieves nothing in my class. By the time students reach university level (and hopefully before, though that seems the case less and less often), they should be aware that accomplishment is what really matters, not the “I coulda been a contender” stuff.
Of course, your daughter is only 8 years old, so she has a long way to go in school. I know how hard it can be just to walk away from the whining and the tantrums. But I would try to make it my approach in this situation.
A lot of times I’ve seen parents say they “just know” how a child feels about a subject. Or that the child has never said anything about it, so they must be OK with it. Why don’t parents try asking their children what they think in clear, direct speech? Maybe the kid is afraid to say. Maybe the kid just “accepts” it but if given the option would rather not. Maybe the kid never truly gave it thought before because “this is just how it is” and once thinking about it, comes to a new opinion. There are tons of things I thought as a child that I never told my parents for the above reasons, and I’m sure that because I was silent on the matter they thought everything was hunky-dory.
It’s one thing to say, “I know my kid’s ok with it” and another for the practice to actually be, “the kid can deal with it regardless of their feelings, and I want them to do it, so they’re ok with it”
Do skip the rest of the thread, there’s a bit of a trainwreck happening.
But to answer your question, a little TMI but while my wife is said to have been a “difficult child” it was in very different ways–basically, crippling anxiety and, not shyness exactly, but not wanting to do things, for lack of a better term.
There was a very major and stressful life event happening at the time during which she is characterized as having been “difficult”*, though, so it’s hard to say whether the root cause was internal to her or more external.
*I put it in quotes because TBH I am not sure I trust her mom’s judgments about what constitutes a “difficult child.” I shall say no more…
I will say there are frequent occurrences during which it is clear her mom “gets” her more intuitively than I do, so they do have that kind of connection. But mom is just as troubled and puzzled by the behavior described in the OP as I am.
Our daughter has told us she would not want to go to classes outside the gifted program. Her program does involve her going to some “clustered” classes, and she hates those. They are boring and, as she puts it, “the kids are bad…” Of course the latter is very contingent on the teacher and other factors, but point is, inasmuch as she has any conscious thoughts about it at all, her preference is to be where she is.
I’m late to this party, but do you have an SO around to help you? If so, how is he/she doing, and how are you handling this jointly?
I would echo the third party/counseling recommendation. My husband and I saw a counselor once for our son - honestly, one of the biggest ways it helped was for us to understand what was normal in an at the time 5 or 6 year old/kindergartner. As it happens, my son’s behavior was normal - my husband’s was not.
My husband and son’s relationship was incredibly contentious at the time and my husband was incredibly frustrated to the point where it was making everyone miserable, not just him and my son. Talking to someone familiar with child development really helped, if only by setting my husband’s expectations as to what was a normal expectation or what was too high an expectation for my son at the time.
It’s something we still struggle with…a LOT. But, just the experience helped and it’s good to have done that, if only to remove some of the stigma of seeing a therapist.
The point you added as your ETA is likely contradictory to the bolded.
How so?
As you see it. It’s not as cut and dried as you think. Again, you get fixated on your POV being inerrant and for everyone else we’re just screwing it up. You need to open yourself up to the possibility that you’re not always right. It’s easy to that when you can see when you’re not right. It’s harder when you’re convinced you are.
Hardest thing about parenting tough kids is when you realize that you exhibit some of the same behaviors they are doing (that are frustrating as hell). These kids often come by it honestly. If you asked your daughter she may be completely wedded to her POV even though from where you sit you can see where she’s wrong and her stubbornness makes you crazy.
Just a thought.
Cool, IvoryTower just answered your question so I don’t have to!
It’s hardly “difficult” for me to “admit” anything like that. I free and openly declare it! I have done so twice in this thread! IRL, my wife and I and my daughter have joked about some relevant similarities.
I don’t throw tantrums of course, and whereas I enjoy debate she doesn’t, but we’re both sticklers for meanings of words and are both the type to be very very sure of ourselves when a conflict does occur. And we’re both sensitive to slights. Some of the things she does, are a lot like some of the things I’d LIKE to do sometimes, did I not know how much better it is to manage these impulses and did I not have the habit of doing so. But yes the underlying similarities are there, no doubt about it.
Absolutely. No question. This is a well known fact.
Still not seeing the relevance. If you’re offering it as an explanation of some kind, well, I don’t see how that helps anything.
You say this is irrelevant, but this reads like a meth addict’s assertion that he can quit any time.
Thanks, that helps me see the relevance.
Heh. When I was in first grade, my parents divorced, and back then it was enough of a rarity that those of us with divorcing parents (three or four, I think it was) got ourselves a little support group one hour twice a week with the school shrink (not sure if she was a social worker or a psychologist.) I loved it. A break from class to go hang out and play board games? Sign me up! Someone to tell me I was special and smart and a good girl? Keep layin’ it on, Lady. 
I don’t actually recall if I was having problems at the time; I was all of 6-7 years old. But I totally remember loving the shrink and feeling so special 'cause I got to miss social studies.
Word. I was one of those “gifted” kids with excellent grades who is fundamentally lazy about school work. I’d get good grades, but I’d drive my mother and teachers crazy because I would figure out what I needed to do to earn whatever grade I wanted, and wouldn’t do a whit more. I gamed the system so closely that I refused to do the rest of the test when I’d answered 97% of the questions correctly and gotten my A. (This does not translate into my career - I’m that annoying bitch in the office that does more work than required there, making everyone who is meeting the requirements look like slackers.) I am, to this day, completely resistant to learning what someone else wants me to learn in the way they want me to learn it and on the timetable they’ve got in mind. It’s not that I hate learning - I love learning. I just want to learn what I want to learn, when, and how.
My mother says I was academically gifted but emotionally immature. I’m 40, and nothing’s changed. Wonder when I’ll mature? 
One, it could help you understand your daughter and forgive her a bit more for the traits you must realize are not her fault. Two, it could explain why in particular you are frustrated and annoyed by those traits and again, let them roll off your back a bit more. Three, it could help you determine what you could maybe do to help her by applying it to you own life & personality.
I’m actually a bit astonished that you’re even asking.
There’s no need to forgive anything. And I wouldn’t say I don’t understand her. To understand someone is A) not necessarily to know whether that person is behaving abnormally and B) not necessarily to know what the best way to respond to them is.
“Well, just imagine how someone should respond to you.”
No… lots of people, and I have no reason to think myself an exception, fail to know best how others ought to respond to them, at least in a lot of contexts. Also, that she and I share some traits by no means implies we share behaviors.
Seems irrelevant. This is you telling me how to help myself relax, but that’s not what I was asking about. Perhaps you’re speculating that if I were more relaxed about it, the problem would go away, but this seems doubtful both in general and based on our experience with her. With the exception of a few failures, we work to de-escalate. She escalates.
This is probably answered, if I understand it correctly, by what I said above.
I think you maybe don’t understand, or don’t believe, how different people can be online than they are IRL. Here in this thread I responded to an insult with insulting language. I let my anger be known. IRL I’d never do that. I am a mellow constructive guy. Here online I get to tell you when you’re being a less than acceptable human being. IRL I don’t get to tell you that. Please don’t assume that if I express anger at a slight here online this means I must be doing that to my daughter at home. That seems to be what you’re assuming. It’s–wait for it, wait for it–an uncharitable assumption.
Okay.
In kindergarten, monstro and I were pulled out of class once a week to work with a speech therapist (we did the twin talk thing as toddlers and weren’t particularly fluent in English), and I remember loving the extra attention. Even to this day, I only associate speech class with cupcakes and fun worksheets. It never occurred to me that there might be something shameful about needing help with how I spoke and processed words, even though I knew that’s exactly what the therapy was for.
It’s only with age that the desire to fit in and be seen as normal overrules the desire for attention and specialness.
You don’t like your child, right? You’ve told us that its hard to enjoy her presence and that there’s little about her personality that is praiseworthy. That’s a problem whether you want to admit it or not, because 1) she in all likelihood senses you feel this way, 2) those feelings are preventing you from relating to her in a positive way, and 3) the odds of her continuing in her bratty ways increases the more she goes on feeling misunderstood and unloved.
So yes, this is relevant. Just because you’re not asking for advice on how to relax around your daughter, doesn’t mean your emotional state has nothing to do with her behavior.