I gave up on love because I’m worried I might become an incel.
I drink tequila by the shot, and milk straight from the half-gallon in the fridge.
I smoke unfiltered cigarettes (albeit with a fancy bamboo holder on occasion).
I scratch when and where I itch.
If I talk in a meeting people not only listen, they assume I’ve got something valuable to say.
Not with a stick. 
I don’t think it’s something I have ever seen, but I (genuinely) thought that was supposed to be a bee.
(Apis - geddit? - Honey bee - Wikipedia )
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Trivially NSFW ETA: https://www.mediamatic.net/en/page/231198/on-bees-and-piss
I often spend thirty minutes or more sitting on the john.
I will wait with a full bladder instead of using the middle of three urinals.
I can fold fitted sheets - once taught a woman in a laundromat how to do that. Made me feel very manly.
Pfft. Leave 'em in the dryer, take 'em out as needed.
When I throw a piece of wadded up paper into the garbage can successfully, I give a little fist pump or say, “Yes!”
No clean socks left. I’ll just rewear these.
Same for the underwear - easy to turn inside-out for another day (or two).
Mansplaining is short for man explaining.
I know how to stack a dishwasher properly.
The gunk buildup behind the refrigerator can be cleaned up with a sandblaster.
Wow, that’s a really cool looking WWII gas mask you have there.
(yes, I watched an old episode of Pawn Stars yesterday… what of it?)
Operating manual? That is only for people who don’t know what they are doing. Just do it. Look:
brzzzt! 
crash!
Oooops…
If her name is Mimi, not so hard. If its something like Sissy, I think I’d like to meet her.
My face is often itchy, but that’s by choice.
I can re-taste this morning’s coffee, or last night’s soup, from my beard.
Burppppp
No B…Ohh child…Y.
I have hardly any identical socks, and stopped caring about matching them twenty years ago.