Tell us the stranges, dumbest and most bizarre joke you know!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

MLS, that’s a keeper!
It was a lovely gathering at the grandparents’ house. The dinner was finished, the plates and pans were cleaned and the family was chatting, in small groups, around the crackling fire.

Grammy and Grampy had just settled into their easy chairs, when suddenly, Grammy LEANED forward, looking like she was about to tumble from her seat. Startled, Agnes jumped up from the ottoman, and, steadying her mother, gently eased the 76-year-old back into her cozy chair.

After a little while, and just as the family had settled down again, Grammy made another, more violent lurch forward. In fact, it startled her middle son, Phil, so much that both he AND his sister jumped up to the old woman’s aid.

This time, though, her children decided not to take any chances. While Agnes comforted her elderly mother and kept her frail shoulders firmly against the La-Z-Boy, Phil tied his mother’s afghan around the back of the chair as a kind of a crude seat belt.

Satisfied, the family settled back down again before the fire. Some time passed, and it seemed peaceful enough, until little Kenneth climbed up carefully onto Grammy’s lap and leaned in to give her a big hug. Seeing his Grammy’s strained expression, though, he was startled to his feet.

“Grammy,” he said, “you look upset. Am I too heavy?”

The old woman shook her head, seemingly unable to speak.

“Is it the blanket? Is it too tight?”

Again she shook her head.

“Oh no Grammy!” Kenny cried, “Then what’s wrong?”

The old woman sighed and shrugged. “They won’t let me faaaaaaart!”

22

An American soldier is fighting in Germany in World War II. Theh battle is so intense, men are dropping everywhere. Finally, the Americans run out of ammunition. In a panic, a soldier approaches his Sergeant. “Sarge, we’re out of ammo! What are we going to do?” The Sergeant looks around, and all he can find is a broom. He picks it up, hands it to the soldier and says, “This is your rifle. Hold it up, point it at the enemy and say 'bangitty bangitty bang!” The soldier says, “But what about a bayonet?” The sergeant looks around some more, and all he can find is a piece of string. He ties the string onto the end of the broom, and says, “That’s your bayonet. Hold it up, and go out there saying ‘bangitty bangitty bang, stabitty stabitty stab.’”

The soldier takes his weapon out onto the battlefield, going “Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab! Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!”…and Germans are falling everywhere. “Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!” Soon, it gets all quiet, and the soldier looks around and he’s the only one left on the battlefield. Except 'way off in the distance, he sees this one German soldier marching towards him. So he holds up his broom. “Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!” but the German keeps coming. “Bangitty bangitty bang! Stabitty stabitty stab!” but nothing can stop the German. He walks right up to the American, pushes him down, steps all over him and crushes him with his boots, breaking all his bones and smashing him to bits, and keeps going. The poor Amerian, lying there in terrible death agony, comes to focus on the sound of the German walking away, saying “Tankitty tankitty tank.”

23

I was having dinner with Charles Manson and he said, “E. Thorp, is it hot in here, or am I crazy?”

24

Holy shit, that was funny. bows to fishbicycle

25

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead

26

An old quick one:

“Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.”

A weird one:

“Late last Saturday night; a guy was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…
[BUMP…][BUMP…]

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
[BUMP…][BUMP…]

He froze on the spot, he couldn’t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly…It was…. a coffin.

Scared, the guy then started walking briskly towards his home.
[BUMP…][BUMP…]

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him…
[BUMP…][BUMP…]

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin …
[BUMP…] [BUMP.…][BUMP…][BUMP…]

Eventually he made it to his front door, he got into his home, but the coffin smashed its way through the front door!!
[BUMP…] [SCREECH] [BUMP.…] [SCREECH] [BUMP…] [SCREECH] [BUMP…]

The guy ran to the bathroom and locked the door…
[BUMP…] [SCREECH] [BUMP…] [SCREECH] [BUMP.] [SCREECH] [BUMP]

With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges…
The coffin approached the young terrified man.
[BUMP] [SCREECH] [BUMP] [SCREECH] [BUMP] [SCREECH] [BUMP]

In desperation, he then reached for his bathroom cabinet…

He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it to the menace…still it came…
[BUMP] [SCREECH]

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it to the monstrous timber …still it came…
[BUMP] [SCREECH]

He grabbed some Nyquil and threw it…

…

The coffin stopped…”

27

A: Which do you wear, boxers or briefs?
B: Depends.

Yep, thats the “joke”

28

There’re these two cows lying a field, chewing their cuds and chatting about things that are important to cows. The first cow turns to the second cow and says, “Moo! What do you think about the whole mad cow disease thing?”

The second cow rolls her eyes and says, “Moo! Why the hell should I care? I’m a helicopter.”

29

Two Eskimos are taking their kayak out on the water. It is in the middle of February, and a little chilly, so they light a fire to warm themselves up. Long story short, the boat catches fire, and sinks. Moral of the story?

You can’t have your kayak and heat it too

30

this one is only bizarre because i did it as a writing excercise, but i feel it’s funny nonetheless…

a man approaches a brothel. it is a large two story building in the middle of the desert. seemingly dull on the outside, there are two brick stories, dotted with windows, and through these he can see several scantily clad women in their respective bedrooms. the man walks in and approaches a dark wooden counter where a strangely tall woman stands before him.
“are you the madame?” he asks.
“that depends, honey, what do you need?” her voice has an accent that he cannot place and he is distracted by it enough to take a look around the room before he answers.
inside, the place is cavernous. it is swathed in royal blue and gold, and the carpet is a deep charcoal gray. Thick velvet curtains block out most of the natural light, but the lobby is still well lit due to a glittering crystal chandelier. the place reeks of both class and spent semen.
turning back to the woman, the man speaks. “i need something different. i’m sick of the same old thing, can you offer me something like that?”
the madame squints at the man and seems to think for a few moments. then she says “sure, i think that can be arranged.”
“i don’t want no animals,” he clarifies, “and no shit neither.”
“don’t you worry, honey,” she replies, “i got something you’re gonna love. you just go up those big stairs and head off to the right. when you get to room 215, you give a little knock, and you’re gonna have the time of your life.” she motioned up a large white marble staircase with a thin white hand that was tipped with hard white nails striped in gold.
the man slowly mounted the stairs, and the heels of his shoes made hollow echoes with each step. he was both excited and nervous to see what awaited him in room 215.
at the top of the stairs, the man cupped the ornate bannister top in his palm and held it as he swung himself around toward the right. ten long paces took him to door 215, and he took a deep breath before knocking lightly upon it.
after a few more tense moments of waiting he heard footsteps approaching the door from the other side. the man rocked up on the balls of his feet and settled back down just as the door opened.
the woman who stood in the doorway was breathtaking. she had long dark hair streaked with red that fell over her shoulders and collected as ringlets in her collarbones. a long stray tendril wound across her chest and fell between her breasts. she had wide green eyes and rose pink skin, and her lips were painted a deep shade of purple. she wore a simple slip of purple silk and her nipples strained the fabric.
“come in” she said and swept her hand toward the far end of the room, motioning for him to come inside with her.
she stepped back from the door and walked to the bed, her bare feet half buried in plush carpet fiber. he followed behind her, closing the door and smiled as he reached her side.
“i hear you have something special for me, something, new?”
she smiled broadly at him and sat down on the bed. pulling him close to her face she unbuttoned his jeans and lowed his zipper. as she slid her fingers inside his pants she yanked the waistband down so that he was completely exposed to her.
disappointment washed over him. a blow job was neither special nor new. the woman saw the look on his face and as she bent over her hair covered her face and she brought her hands up to it. the man could not tell what she was doing until she straightened up.
her left eye was gone. a deep black hole had opened up in her face where the beautiful green orb had once been. she pointed a blood purple nail to the socket and whispered sexily “fuck me here.”
the man was startled at first, but quickly became excited and inserted his cock into the hole. he fucked her slowly at first, but rapidly gained speed and the newness of it all quickly overcame him. it took him less than two minutes to cum. he pulled out of her, leaving a trail of glistening cum sliding like a tear down her cheek and sat down next to her on the bed his legs shaking from his exertion. after a few minutes with his face in his palms, he ran shaky hands through his hair and looked over at the woman. she stared back at him now with two deep green eyes focused tightly on his features.
“that was great.” he said, the master of understatement, and stood and pulled up his pants. he buttoned them clumsily and fished his wallet out of his pocket. “what do i owe you?”
“two hundred,” she smiled, and for a moment he balked, but thinking back on his orgasm he pulled four fifties out of his wallet.
“you earned it,” he said, handing her the money. “i’ll definitely be coming back to this place.”
“thanks,” she said, and took the money, wadding it in her palm. “i’ll be sure to keep an eye out for you.”

31

George decided he was going to build a bbq pit in his back yard. After careful study, measuring, etc., he determined that he would need exactly 299 bricks. He went to the brick store, and was really peeved when they told him they only sold bricks in lots of 100.

“What am I supposed to do with this extra brick?” he whined.

“Keep it,” they told him. “Maybe you’ll break a brick and be glad you had an extra.”

So he went home with the 300 bricks and built his bbq pit. As you might imagine with someone this anal, he didn’t break a brick and ended up with one left over. He went back to the store and demanded a refund on the extra brick. When they refused, he asked again what he was supposed to do with the extra brick. They told him.

So he went outside and threw it up in the air just as hard as he could.

(long pause–if no one laughs, which they won’t, begin to laugh hysterically yourself. If you’re lucky, the subject will change and then in another lull you can tell this joke that no one will want to listen to)

A little old lady was flying from Boston to LA to see her nephew. She couldn’t bear the thought of her little toy poodle being separated from her, so she snuck him aboard in her big needlepoint bag. She was seated next to a large burly man who pulled out a cigar mid-flight and lit it. She pointed to the no-smoking lights and asked him to put out his cigar. He stared her down, pointing out that she wasn’t allowed to have her dog on board either.

She coughed delicately, waved the smoke away from her face, but finally got so cheesed she couldn’t stand it anymore. So she pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it out the window. He grabbed her little dog, and threw it out the window.

She cried the rest of the way, just sure that her little dog was dead and gone. But when the plane landed, she was amazed to see that her dog was on the wing of the plane. And you’ll never guess what he had in his mouth!

(if you’ve done this right, everyone will be saying “the cigar.” You grin obnoxiously and say, no, the brick. :smiley: It usually takes a few moments, which gives you time to get a head start before they can catch up and begin beating you."

32

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was hit by a fridge.
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first koala.
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.

33

Thanks! I can’t take credit for it, though. I heard David Brenner tell it to Johnny Carson back in the '80s. I thought it was so funny, I wrote it down and have remembered it ever since. Sorry about all the typos in it…

34

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.

Inside of a dog, it is very moist and dark.

(You asked for stupid and bizzare, I think it qualifies!)

35

Q: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator in three steps?
A: 1. Open the fridge door
2. Put the elephant in
3. Close the door

Q: How do you put a giraffe into a fridge in four steps?
A: 1. Open the door
2. Take the elephant out
3. Put the giraffe in
4. Close the door

Q: The lion, king of all animals, held a party at his den. He invited all the animals of the kingdom. What animal did not show up and why?
A: The giraffe; it’s still in the fridge.

Q: Two travelers are the edge of a swamp that has a river running through it. One of the travelers is injured and requires medical attention. A makeshift hospital is stationed at the opposite edge of the swamp, but there are ferocious alligators in the swamp and river. If the travelers go around the swamp, it will take too long and the injured traveler could die. The travelers go through the swamp and make it to the hospital. How do they do it?
A: The alligators are still at the party.

36

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

37

There’s the infamous Polar Bear Joke. But you need accomplices.

Two polar bears are on an ice floe. Suddenly there’s a crashing noise and the floe breaks off and starts floating out to sea.

The polar bears start getting nervous. One turns to the other and says, “I’m going for it”. He jumps in the water and starts swimming for shore.

The other polar bear shouts, “You’ll never make it”

At this point, all the accomplises start to laugh hysterically and the person not in on the joke feels stupid because they don’t understand why everyone’s laughing.

and here’s one written by a college friend of mine.

Noah was having some difficulties on the ark. First of all, the snakes tried to eat the other animals so he had to put them on a table he had made of logs which he floated behind the ark.

Second, there wasn’t much to do while waiting for the rains to recede so he decided to teach the animals math.

Well animals aren’t mathmatically inclined and they weren’t getting it. Frustrated, he turned around to see two snakes making love.

He turned to the other animals and said…
wait for it…

“See! Even adders can multiply on a log table!”

38

That one reminds me of this one. It definitely fits the OP…

(from memory 25 years ago and excuses aplenty)
Two penquins have never known love. They’ve been alone all their lives and are the loneliest, saddest penquins ever.

One day, they spot each other from just over the horizon!

As they run toward each other, knowing that lasting love is finally within their reach, the iceberg splits between them.

They drift apart, resigning themselves to lives of solitude, and the first penguin says…

“Tennis racket?”

Meh. I hated it when I heard it too.

Why did the eskimo burn down his house?

Because of his radio!

39

Somewhere in the deep south…

It’s the first day of school for a bunch of young 1st graders and the teacher says “Alright class, to help us get to know each other I’m gonna ask each of you to stand up, say yer name, and tell us somethin’ about yerself…we’ll start with you.” as she points to a kid.

The kid stands up and says “Howdy, muh name’s Wagonwheel Jones and I like to…” and the teacher interrupts him “No no no, don’t tell me your nickname, I want your real name.”

“But that is muh name. Muh name’s Wagonwheel Jones!” the boy says. The teacher is a little exasperated now and says “No, that’s your nickname. What is your full name, like Johnny or Bobby…”

“Muh name really is Wagonwheel Jones!!” he insists. And the teacher says “Alright, if ya ain’t gonna tell us yer real name, you can just go outside the room and wait there ‘til you decide to stop lyin’ to us.”

He starts walking out of the room and he stops by a little kid’s desk and says “C’mon Chickenshit, she ain’t gon’ believe you niether…!”

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It’s left to the reader as an exercise.

40

A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.

He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, “My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away.”

The bartender says, “Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?”

The Haitian says “Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it’s an ordinary duck.”

“You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork.”

“Of course.”

The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, “Either you’re the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you’re suffering from cerebral hemorrhage.”

The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, “I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you’d laugh about it.”

The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of

A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. Vancomycin