Tell us your job, and answer the Top 3 questions you get all the time:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This was inspired by a similar thread on Fark.com a couple days ago.

List for everybody your profession, and then answer the three most-frequently asked questions people give you all the time:

Ready?

Corporate Training Specialist:

  1. When I’m not teaching, I’m writing training.
  2. Because you’re not as smart as you think you are. If you don’t go to training, you’re going to be less effective, and for the good of the company, I can’t let you not attend.
  3. No, you can’t have my job. I saw your HR file. I’m not entirely sure you’re qualified for your job, much less someone else’s.
2

Computer Programmer:

  1. No, I probably can’t fix your home computer. Take it to a professional.

  2. I work for a company that makes software for the GIS industry.

  3. C# mostly, with some C++ in there too.

3

High School Teacher:

  1. Yes, you will be tested on this.
  2. Because learning to deal with petty rules that make no sense is a vital part of your education.
  3. Having lived this long without exploding, I am assuming you can.

:smiley:

4

Computer Programmer

  1. No thanks, I brought lunch today.

  2. Yes, we’re still married.

  3. Yeah, I’ll have another cup if someone makes a pot.

5

Mom/Homemaker

  1. I don’t watch any soaps.

  2. I chase and feed and play with and teach and cuddle kids, clean up their messes, change diapers, clean house, and cook meals.

  3. What free time?

6

GOD

  1. No, I won’t save you. Just drown already, you dumb bastard.
  2. Yes, if you do that you will burn in hellfire for all eternity.
  3. Because there hasn’t been enough misery in that part of the world lately.
7

Office Temp

  1. Between 6-10£

  2. As long as I want (I usually take 30 min but I will take an hr if I hate the job)

  3. I usually get anywhere between an hr to 24 hrs notice.

8

Medical lab tech

  1. No, I don’t know what your result is from your last STD check. And, even if I did, I can’t tell you.

2)No, you can’t come in after hours and get free tests. Go talk to a doctor, he’ll orders some tests and then I’ll do them.

3)What? No, I don’t know what that gleaming pustule on your neck is, even if you tell me the whole disgusting histrory of it. Ditto those weeping sores on your crotch. I am not a doctor. GO SEE ONE!

9

I operate a small art store at a University.

  1. Yes, I’m closed for the day. No, I can’t open up again just for you so you can get a stupid ruler or whatever.

  2. Yes, we have the “white paper”. We have about 20 different types of white paper, in fact. Which one do you want? “The big one”? Oh, that narrows it down. :rolleyes:

  3. No, the such-and-such I ordered yesterday is not in yet. Oh, you need it now? Well, it’ll be at least a couple more days. What’s that? Too long to wait? Well then, just let me snap my fingers and it’ll appear at your feet. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

10

Airborne Electronic Communications Systems Operator:

  • Yes, I fly.
  • No, I don’t fly the plane.
  • No, I’m not in the Army.
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Wireless Retail Store Manager

  1. The store closes at 8…yes, 8 p.m.

  2. No, I will not stay open until 9, not even if you plan on spending $9.99

  3. Yes, the bathroom is in the back, first door on the right.
    3b. No, you can not smoke in my store.

12

UNIX Admin:

  • I don’t know windows well enough to help you fix your desktop issue

  • Which server? Which state?

  • No, discount servers will not meet our requirements.

13

Venture capital broker:

  1. No, The Dragon’s Den isn’t how business is usually done.

  2. No I don’t want to hear about your brilliant business/product idea

  3. Lots - quite how much is none of your business.

14

I’m Product Development Manager for a small manufacturing company.

  1. No, you can’t sell that yet. We haven’t even tested it.
  2. It’ll be about another month before we can launch.
    2a) Because that’s how long it takes Marketing to update all their brochures.
  3. If it was something that we could buy off-the-shelf, then we’d already be offering it.
15

Radio announcer, producer

  1. It’s a technique we use when speaking into a microphone.
  2. Because if I talked like that in public, people would want to slap me.
  3. No, I can’t give them a message for you, they don’t work here. They come in on satellite from far away. No, I don’t have their phone number.
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(These are actually the top three answers, not the top 3 questions, right? :smiley: )

I have several jobs, so we’ll start with:

Herbalist

  1. Nettles
  2. Nettles
  3. Chamomile

Massage Therapist

  1. Yes, I can probably help with that wrenched neck
  2. No, attempting to run 4 miles your first day off the couch in sixteen years is probably not the best way to get in shape.
  3. No, I don’t do that kind of massage.

New-born Nanny

  1. He’ll sleep through the night only *after *you stop waking him up every 3 minutes to make sure he’s breathing.
  2. He’s peeing, he’s pooping, he’s growing like a weed - you have enough milk!
  3. Sure, I’ll change that one last poopy diaper before I go - even though my shift ended 15 minutes ago. Grr.
17

Geotechnical Engineer

  1. We design foundations, dams, tunnels, retaining walls, and really anything involving soil.
  2. Yes, I did a little work on the Big Dig. About two hours worth, picking up soil X-rays from MIT.
  3. No, construction workers don’t generally have a problem with a woman telling them what to do.
18

Secretary, hospital Employee Health

  1. If you’ll read the information we gave you, you’ll see our locatin and hours.

  2. If you’ll read the information we gave you, you’ll see that yes, you have to do this.

  3. If you’ll read the information we gave you, you’ll see exactly where you can go, what to do when you’re there, and where to send the paperwork after that.

19

Brewer

  1. Yes, really
  2. A little bit every day, just for quality purposes
  3. No, not the Milwaukee Brewers
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State Environmental Scientist

  1. No, we will not come and clean out the household hazardous waste from your garage.
  2. No, we don’t regulate mold in this state. Please contact your legislator out the need for legislation.
  3. No, we will not clean dead trees off your land.