Tell us your job, and answer the Top 3 questions you get all the time:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
141

Art Publisher - Office Manager

  1. No I dont know how much that is worth, call an art appraiser.

  2. Someone who appraises art.

  3. The yellow pages.

142

Chemical Engineer

  1. No, the ones who play with genes are biologists.

  2. I’d suggest asking your doctor or pharmacist.

  3. They want to win a Nobel, we’d rather invent dynamite.

143

Artist

  1. No, those thousands of little pieces of wood are not toothpicks.

  2. Yes, they’re like my children, but that doesn’t prevent me from selling them.

  3. No, I can’t teach you how. This is **my **art; make your own.

Photographer

  1. Yes, I’ve been to all those places.

  2. No, I don’t have pictures from Barcelona.

  3. Because I’ve never been there.

Work-at-home graphic designer

  1. I can’t do that right now, I’m working.

  2. Yes, I know I’m at home, but I have work to do.

  3. Sorry, I’m working.

144

You too? Wow, which company if you don’t mind my asking.

I find i get two approaches… people of a lower stature in the company want my job even though they have no qualifications. People in a higher position think i’m nothing more than a talking head and dispensable.

145

Corporate Trainer for a large Software Company.

Based on the company i work for i have some common questions to so i’ll do this in 2 sets:

Trainer:

  1. No you can’t get this world-wide product training that needs to be localized in 11 languages given to you two months before the project is completed.

  2. No, I can’t just make these 15 little changes for you at the last second with no additional budget. By the way 1 little change for you = me editing 200 pages to make sure every picture and mention of your one link change is updated.

  3. No I can’t drop everything for your pet project, especially since it’s not on the planned deliverables list and it has no budget
    Because of where I work:

  4. No I will not give you free software

  5. No I have not met him in person, and if I did I am sure he’d be less than inetersted in knowing I worked for him, so do over 20,000 other people.

  6. No I cannot/will not fix your computer.

146

(another) Lawyer:

  1. I do civil litigation, a variety of different kinds.

  2. No, I don’t have any advice for your friend/brother/neighbor’s girlfriend’s coworker who has been arrested, except that they should hire a criminal lawyer.

  3. Whatever you saw on TV, it’s probably not realistic.

147

Up until last year, Director of Technical Support for a desktop publishing application that bit the dust.

  1. Because you don’t have nearly enough memory allocated.

  2. Turn off your System Extensions and restart.

  3. Okay then. Turn off your other Xtensions and give it a try.
    Funny. It works okay on my end.

Now? Bookslave.

  1. No, the Da Vinci Code is not in paperback yet.

  2. It’s called Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and it won’t be out until July.

  3. The bathroom is right over there.

148

Computer Game Artist/Art Director

  1. I kinda stumbled into it- I’m not sure any advice I can give to little Timmy will get him a job in this field. Not that he’d really want it, anyway- trust me on this.

  2. I only sometimes play games all day (and it’s not that much fun when I do). Usually it’s just a lot of overtime. Unpaid overtime.

  3. No, I don’t have a Ferrari, dammit.

149

Bus Guy (duh - Director of Transportation for a public school district)

  1. I don’t know why, visibility I’d assume, and yes it’s really called school bus yellow.
  2. Because if I moved a bus stop from in front of everyone’s house, the little bastards may as well just walk to fucking school.
  3. It doesn’t matter how long ago you got busted for (insert offense here: DUI, drug conviction, firearm conviction, solicitation, etc…), I can’t hire you because no one will let you drive a bus full of kids, especially me.
150

pssssssssssssst… Lissla, October, 2005. :slight_smile:

151

New? Was ist das “New”?

They have always ruled the universe!

152

registered nurse

To Patients, and visitors

  1. No, I don’t know and cannot predict when the doctor will make rounds-their schedules vary from day to day and also from one doctor to another.

  2. Yes, I would be happy to page the doctor for you.

  3. No, I don’t have your test results and if I did, I couldn’t share them with you.

3a. Yes, I will repeat the page.

To the Doctors-

  1. No, I am sitting here (hee).*

  2. No, I do not have access to the doctor’s online network–look it up your own self!

  3. Could we move/transfer/discharge/downgrade pt X?
    To People in My Life

  4. No, I am not an angel of mercy and no, I don’t have sex with the doctors, really.

  5. Yes, I could have gone to med school-I didn’t want to (wish I had now!)

  6. No, I cannot help you. I don’t do OB/peds/hospice/derm/ortho/onc nursing. Please call your doctor.

To the Administration-

  1. No, I cannot come in extra/stay late**–I am too tired from the last day I worked.

  2. No, I will not compromise my license by taking an unsafe assignment ( to be fair, this doesn’t happen often --it used to, though).

  3. Yes, I asked Dr. Y if we could move Mr. X. He said no.

*when I was in my BSN program, back in the day-we were taught to give up our seats at the station when the docs needed them. This was 1984, folks.

** I already work a 12 hours shift. 'nuf said.

153

Sportswriter

  1. Yes, I get paid to watch sports. It doesn’t mean I get paid to have fun, it means when you’re having fun I’m working. And when the game ends, my work is just beginning.

  2. Yes, I’ve met (insert athlete’s name here).

  3. No, I can’t come over for dinner / be at your party / hang out on the weekend. Sports are played in the evening and on the weekends, so I’m always busy.

154

Partner, Ad agency that specializes in online marketing

To Clients

  1. That’s like asking, “how long is a piece of string?”
  2. Yes, we sent you those ad specs last week.
  3. No, I will not buy spam lists for you.

To Friends and Family

  1. No, I’m not responsible for the 50 pop-up ads you got this morning.
  2. Yes, I can fix your computer. Geez, ya ever hear of installing updates?
  3. Business is great, but I’m tired as hell.

To Office Mates

  1. The file is on the server, dammit.
  2. Read the e-mail I sent you yesterday.
  3. I will clean my desk someday when I’m not under an insane deadline.
155

Huh. It hasn’t reached our Books In Print North America catalogue yet. I assume they’re releasing it in trade paper, not mass market? Heaven forbid they not be able to sell it for at least $20. :rolleyes:

156

Owner - Small CD/Record Store

  1. Yes, we have tickets to the current hipster hype band.
  2. No, are sold out of tickets to the current hipster hype band.
  3. Yes, people still do buy vinyl.

Bonus (re: the store cat)

  1. Yes, he does look like a lion.
  2. Around 22 pounds
  3. 10 or 11 years old, according to the vet.
157

Bookclerks of the world unite!

Really, October. I’ll have to pass that around so we can give slightly less abigous answers.

158

Owner- Custom Frame shop

  1. Yes, we do framing. (Asked while looking at a wall of moulding samples.)

  2. No, we don’t “do” 50 or 70% off like ACMoore or Michael’s; we don’t inflate our prices just so you think you’re getting a great deal.

  3. If it doesn’t have to be walked or fed, we can probably frame it.

159
  1. Yep, that was me.
  2. “AI” from artificial intelligence and “BO” from robot, plus “Aibou” means companion in Japanese.
  3. Nope, no bonus. Even if they did, I left the company six months before it was released and only found out from the newspaper that they’d chosen mine.
  4. Yes, I saw that episode of Project X. That bastard exec from Sony Marketing claiming he did it is lying through his scummy little teeth, but what do you expect?
160

Daytime job:

  1. Yes, I know the system is running slow. I can’t speed it up.

  2. Yes, I know that particular application is running real slow. I’ve had redoing it on my to-do list for over a year. Grouse to the powers-that-be and maybe they will authorize my working on it.

  3. You’re on the list and I’m working my way down to you. Everybody else needed their report an hour ago, too.
    Evening job:

  4. No, ma’am, little Johnny is not going to be kicked around like a soccer ball and come home missing teeth.

  5. Actually, ma’am, you need to pick little Johnny/Susie up right after class is over. We don’t have babysitting facilities to keep them amused while you run errands and then show up 20 minutes after the last class of the night has ended.

  6. Yes, sir, we are more expensive than the school down the street. We’re worth it because we have a better program. Did they offer to give you a month’s instruction free so you can make a more informed decision? No? But you’re going to go with them because they are $20 a month less? Great. Good luck in your and your child’s training. May I suggest that you not sign a contract longer than six months with them? And we’ll still be here; give us a call when the six months is up. And I’ll give you a month free instruction then.