Tell us your job, and answer the Top 3 questions you get all the time:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Junior high school English teacher.

[To students]

  1. No, I didn’t lose it or throw it away. It’s more likely that you turned it in without your name on it, or didn’t turn it in at all.

  2. Yes, even though you were absent, you still can’t get a grade for it unless you’ve done it.

  3. That’s a very personal question, so I’m not going to answer it.

[to parents]

  1. Because she hasn’t done any work in my class since January.

  2. Yes, I would be happy to explain it to her again, but she has to show up for the tutoring session.

  3. I understand that he is special, but I can’t let him do that because it keeps the other 29 students from learning anything.

[to administrators]

  1. No, I can’t wait until next year to use the copying machine.

  2. Yes, I called her parents before disturbing you about this.

  3. No, I don’t think I want to volunteer for that, but thank you for thinking of me.

122

Administrative assistant for medical researchers connected to a large and world-famous group of insurance companies

  1. No, I am not calling everyone on this project on the phone right now because it is 6 am in Honolulu and no one is awake, much less in the office; it’s 8 am in Los Angeles and that guy is stuck in traffic on his way to the office; and it’s 5 pm in Germany so they’re all going home now. Which is why this project is being done by e-mail.

  2. I don’t care how many doctorates you have after your name, you still have to fill out a registration form/sign the legal agreement/submit your expenses/otherwise feed the bureaucracy

  3. If you want us to say nice nice things about your product/device/procedure it has to work as intended without maiming or killing inordinate amounts of people.

Bonus answers:

  1. No, we don’t get “free” health insurance - I have to shell out some of the cost out of my paycheck just like you. That perk ended about 15 years ago.

  2. My heath insurance premium went up this year, too.

  3. Enough money a year to fly airplanes as a hobby.

123

Studying in biomedical lab technology:

  1. You know when you’re in the hospital and the doctor orders tests? Yeah, I’ll be taking care of most of those.

  2. No, I’m not here because I didn’t get into med school. I want to do this.

  3. No, it’s not dangerous to play with the blood and germs if you do it properly.

124

Registered Nurse

  1. No, I don’t give sponge baths
  2. No, I don’t want to marry a Dr.
  3. About 4 years
    3a. Because Med school takes a lot longer and I like nursing
125

Tutor, mainly math.

  1. No, you do not just add the denominators when adding fractions.
  2. No, 2X is not the same as X^2. (Alternatively, sqrt(X) is not the same as X/2).
  3. Yes, you still have to do your homework.
126
  1. Use a supplemental title.
    2 Shut it off, hold down the A, B, D, and power keys, release power button, realease ABD…huh…never mind give it to me.
    3 No the computer didn’t mess up, you did.
127

** As a bookstore clerk**

  1. No, I’m terribly sorry, the The Da Vinci Code is not out in paperback yet
  2. Yes we have books, could you narrow down what type of books your niece would like?
  3. Yes, sure I can work on tonight (Friday), even though I’m working Saturday and Sunday and have to write a paper and just got out of class and just want a nap.

** When we had a calendar kiosk **

  1. No, I’m sorry, we don’t have, and never did have, a Johnny Depp calendar
  2. Yes ma’am, it really does cost 12.99, yes things have gotten more expensive (since you were born in the 1840s)
  3. No, this isn’t my kiosk, no I’m not the manager on duty, actually, I’m just a part time seasonal worker who doesn’t make enough to make dealing with you any better

** As a chemist and lab manager **

  1. No, that’s not the smell of gas, it’s actually my product, no, you don’t need to call the fire deptment.
  2. Yes, I’ll let you into the NMR, if you can hurry up, as I’d like a chance to eat before I go to class and then the afore mentioned jobs.
  3. No, Ed isn’t here. Check his office. No, if he’s not there, I don’t know where he is, but I’m rather busy and don’t care that you only got a 92 on the test, whatever you med school thinks
128

gfloyd, you have copied all my answers before I posted them! Here they are anyway:
Bookstore Clerk

  1. No, they’re not releasing The Da Vinci Code in paperback until it stops selling in hardcover. No print date yet.

  2. Yes, I can look up a book for you.
    2b. No, I can’t recommend a book for a friend of yours who reads a lot. I can tell you what I read, but s/he might not like anything I read. What? Oh, fantasy/sci fi, theology, and cookbooks.

  3. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time and A Complicated Kindness are on that table there.

129

Toy Store Owner

  1. Down the hall, first door on your right.

  2. I’ve been here just over three years.

  3. Yes, the gift wrapping service is free.

130

Technical writer for a software/services company.

To the general public (sorry, more than 3 of these!):[ul]
[li]I write software user guides, installation procedures, and the like; I also work on proposals, and support our Corporate Communications department. (In response to: “What does that mean?” or “So what do you do?”)[/li][li]Mostly the federal government. (In response to: “Who are your company’s customers?”)[/li][li]Nothing, it’s the first letters of the last names of the guys who founded the company. (In response to “What does that stand for?”) (My company’s name sounds like an acronym, but isn’t.)[/li][li]No, but it helps. (In response to: “Do you need a degree in English to be a tech writer?”)[/li][li]Sure. (In response to: “Would you help me with my MS Word problem?”)[/ul][/li]To co-workers:[ul]
[li]Do you have a charge number for me? (In response to “Can you do this work for me?”)[/li][li]Mostly Tracker, but I also do some DISA documentation and help with proposals and Corporate Comms. (In response to: “Which project do you work on?”)[/li]Sure. (In response to: “Would you help me with my MS Word problem?”)[/ul]

131

Domestic Goddess Ok so I’m unemployed, not in school and housewifing in the meantime.

  1. No, we don’t have kids. (Are you a stay at home mom?)
    1a. Not any time soon. (When are you going to have a baby?)
    1b. Because I want to go out drinking or do roadtrips whenver the hell I want. (Why not?)
    1c. No, I don’t especially. (You don’t like children much, do you?)

  2. Yes, I do like it. (Do you like staying at home?)
    2a. Laundry, cleaning cat boxes, household accounting, and cooking, mostly. I read the Dope or whatever I ordered from Amazon in my off time, or study for when I go back to school. (What do you do all day?)
    2b. No, I don’t think I am, and I actually like looking after him. (You’re subservient to your husband, then?)

  3. Yes, I am going back to school soon. And I have a job interview next week. (Are you going to go back to school/get a job?)
    3a. Classics. (What is your major going to be?)
    3b. The study of Greco-Roman culture (What is that?)
    3c. Probably teach, or write books. I am considering professional school though. (What exactly are you going to do with that?)

132

Retired

  1. Whatever I want to do for as long as I want then I do something else.

  2. If you plan ahead/have a dab of luck it just keeps pouring in and you don’t have to worry about most money things much.

  3. Okay then if you insist, bowling, skiing, riding my Harley, writing the book I always wanted to write, backpacking, hanging out with friends, dicking around in the yard, travel, reading all the books I always wanted to read but didn’t have time, going back east to help my folks when they need it. going back east to hang out with my buddy of 40+ years.

  4. Yeah, it’s good.

133

Game Tester (until two weeks ago, at least)

  1. Yes, I get paid to play games all day.
    1b. Just the one game. All day.
    1c. Sometimes it is.

  2. Unless your 12-year-old can sit still for ten hours and actively look for details instead of just playing, I doubt he’d call it a “dream job.”

  3. No, I don’t program. I find what’s wrong and send it back for the programmers to fix.
    3b. No, I don’t see myself doing it for the next twenty years.

134

Business Development for an experimental biomanufacturing consortium

[to outsiders]

  1. Most of the therapeutics we work on won’t be on the market for years, if ever

  2. Very little stem cell work. For the most part, stem cells aren’t ready for the clinic.

  3. No, I can’t get you (or your relative/friend) into a clinical trial. Sorry

[to customers/potential customers]

  1. Yes, it really is that expensive to manufacture biologics to FDA standards for human use

  2. No, the FDA probably won’t just assume it’s OK. They’ll want to see testing results before you go into the clinic.

  3. We’re going as fast as we can. Quick turnaround of documents by you would help.

135

Ad copywriter

  1. No, in English.
  2. A little, but mostly print ads.
  3. Just two. Everyone else is Japanese.
136

Working at a movie rental store

  1. No, we don’t have any of (insert title of movie) in right now. It just came out on Tuesday, and the people who rented it on Tuesday and Wednesday probably still have it. If you notice someone is going to return it, get into line behind them, and then ask at the register.
  2. No, I didn’t see that movie…Yes I try to watch movies, but I’m also a full time student and have mountains of reading and writing to do on a daily basis.
  3. That’s right, we have no more late fees. No, that does not mean that you can keep the movie for a year and then return it with no reprocussions because it would be nice of you to let the other customers watch it.
    and bonus:
  4. No, we do not have a “dirty movie” section.
137

Whale Watch Naturalist:

  1. Yes, that happens a lot. Please remember that Bonine or Dramamine should be taken at least half an hour before the boat leaves.

  2. The side of the boat right over there. NO! That side! The downwind one!

  3. No, the whales will not be attracted by that. Even if it was food. Even if it is now floating in the ocean.

Field Science Teacher:

  1. Yes, I do get paid to do this.

  2. Yes, you are really in school.

  3. I don’t know if that will be on the test. You need to ask your classroom teacher.

138

  1. No, I haven’t been able to play games all day since I was in college.
    1a. Yes, I’m familiar with Tetris.
    1b. No, I didn’t work on that.

  2. It means I write documents on a web page all day, and if marketing and various levels of senior management approve, 1% of what I write makes it into the final game.

  3. I don’t know if they’re hiring. The HR department is in another building and I’ve never met anyone who works there.

139

CTO for a software company.

  1. No, it can’t do what you sold to the customer.
  2. The estimate I gave you is as quickly as we can do it for the money.
  3. Yes, it is in my budget.

And Sublight, how about “Aibo?” :smiley:

140

Old job: IT Helpdesk

  1. The next update will be at the start of the next quarter. They are called quarterly updates. This has been the case for 10 years.
    2a. What does the error message say?
    2b. All right, what did it say?
    2c. Well perhaps you should have read it.
    2d. Because it actually contains useful information about what caused the error. That’s why it’s called an error message.
  2. Our web-based software won’t connect? Can you go to a normal website? No? Your internet connection’s broken. Goodbye.
  3. Shiny side down (which way up does the CD go?*)
  • alright, I was only asked this once but I wanted to include it.

Current job: ECommerce Business Analyst

  1. I do the detailed specification of how our website works when someone says "oh… make a button that goes ‘ping!’ ".
  2. I don’t care whether you told them it does that or not, it doesn’t do it. We can make it do it, but it will cost money.
  3. Yes, if you want project X done first, project Y will be delayed.