Tell us your job, and answer the Top 3 questions you get all the time:

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

-Professional Secularist Crank:

I have found Him, under the same rock you crawled out from.

Well, I imagine Hell is like being unable to escape your proselytizing.

Sure I’ll read it, but only if you read this porn mag.

102

Information Security Administrator

1: Because Sarbanes-Oxley is a federal law
1A: Because Gramm-Leach-Bliley is a federal law
2: Please call the passwords help desk
3: No, I don’t fix computers
Master of the Keepe at Ren Faire

1: Bottled water, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Stewarts Root Beer and Orange Cream
1A: There’s an ale stand just across the road
2: Go past the Buttery, turn right and go through the blue section in the view block
3: Just my boots

103

Computer Helpdesk Support
1.Hmmm… When was the lat time you rebooted? ok. lets try that 1st.
2. No, they very rarely approve new computers before the end of lease date,
3. No, sorry, but if I did know the winning lottery numbers of course I would share.

104

Local Telephone Operator (“0”)

1: That call may be handled by your long distance company. To reach them for asssitance, please hang up with me and dial “00”.

2: Directory Assistance can help you find that number. To reach them, please hang up with me and dial “411”.

3: Central time is approximately 4:28 p.m.

Lather, rinse, and repeat over 1000 times a day.

105

Travel Guru (okay… Corporate Travel Manager)

1-No, I don’t get to fly for free. But, there are perks!

2-I can’t get you upgraded into first class. How about a free headset?

3-No. I won’t plan your vacation. There are several professional leisure travel agents to whom I can refer you.
3b-I understand that you don’t know them. But I haven’t done that kind of work in more than a dozen years and it really IS that different from what I currently do.
3c-Yes, I feel sure that any one of these people will do a great job for you.

now the BONUS answer.
4-You got a better price on the internet? Great!
4b-No, I doubt that means you can do my job.
4c-Because in the DAY that you spent researching it to save fifty bucks, I’ve confirmed travel plans for a few dozens of our co-workers.

and the EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS answer.
5-No, I can’t make changes to the airline ticket that you bought yourself through PriceLine.
5b-Can’t get your money back either.
5c-Because that’s THEIR rules.

106

Analytical Chemist

  1. Yes your sample passed specifications

  2. I will fax your certificate of analysis right away

  3. That’s a good question, let me look into it for you, and call you back!

107

Internist:

1a) Because it’s a virus and antibiotics only kill bacteria. If you overuse them you can develop resistant bacteria that no antibiotics can cure.
1b) Rest and chicken soup.

2a) There is no such thing as a fat-burning pill. There are only appetite suppressants and pills that block some of the fat you eat.
2b) Eat a healthy diet and increase your exercise.

  1. Yes, I can prescribe it, but only after I ask you some questions about your erectile function, and do an examination.
108

Product Engineer

  1. We need higher scan coverage than that.
  2. Yes, you have to fully simulate it before tapeout.
  3. No, you can’t remove that test feature to improve your schedule.
109

Lawyer - to friends, neighbours and the like:

  1. No, I can’t represent your brother in law for free in his divorce/at his trial/ in his unjust dismissal suit/ in small claims court. Not because I am a cheap bastard, but because I know nothing of those areas of law - I do nothing but a certain type of esoteric regulatory work, which your brother in law probably doesn’t want done. Your brother in law will just have to pay someone who knows what they are doing, I’m afraid.

  2. Yes, I know a lot about my clients.

  3. No, I can’t tell you anything juicy about them - it isn’t ethical.

To clients:

  1. It will be ready tomorrow.

  2. No, I can’t have it ready yesterday.

  3. Yes, I know it’s important.

110

Part Time Marketing/Public Relations Person

  1. ME: Um, I’m not sure. I write stuff, maybe? (silence)
    ME AGAIN: …Hey, look! Dollar bills are falling from the sky!

  2. ME: I usually don’t have another job.
    Nobody usually asks me more than those two questions. It’s sort of a relief to be of little interest about job stuff.

111

Accounting clerk

  1. Go to (Menu #3) (Selection #2), click on the history tab, highlight the item you wish to print, and hit print.
  2. Yes, we can get your money out today.
  3. Yes, we have your fax.

As what I am doing is mostly verifying and transmitting information, I probably ask 10 times more questions than are asked of me.

112

Gosh, so many of you are bitter and angry. Maybe you should change jobs.

Quality auditor:

  1. I had to take a five-day course, write an exam, do 30 days of practice audits, lead five audits on my own, and submit it all in a big package.

  2. Actually, yes, it’s a great job.

  3. Forgot document control, it’s really not important; you need to spend more time on your metrics and objectives.

113

Customer Service Rep at company that distributes party supplies and giftware to retailers who sell it to you, the consumer.

  1. It was shipped on the X[sup]th[/sup]. You will have it on the Y[sup]th[/sup].
  2. Yes, we have plenty in stock.
  3. She’s away from her desk, would you like her voicemail?
114

Child Support Officer

(Sarcastic Answers)

  1. Why, yes, I did decide to ruin your life today. When I woke up I thought “mmm, I haven’t messed with your case in a long time”!
  2. Of course I take your child support and spend it on bonbons and trips to Bermuda
  3. And yes, I am a manhater. We have your picture as a dart board

(Real Answers)

  1. All we do is enforce the order a judge signed. No, I cannot change it.
  2. The number to civil filing is…
  3. I am not an attorney.
115

Emergency Doctor

  1. Don’t worry, we see this all the time.

  2. Yes, I can write you a note. No, I don’t charge for doing this.

  3. Yes, I’ve always held my pen this way. Yes, I can write, holding it the normal way too.

116

Forensic Science Student

  1. Yes, sometimes I watch CSI. But not all the time. You see I have a life.

  2. Of course I cut up dead bodies. We keep them in the cupboard, next to the pencils. :rolleyes:

  3. Perhaps Media Studies is cooler. But then Media Studies does teach me how to murder your punk ass and get away with it. :slight_smile: *

*The smile afterwards always makes them go away…occasionally screaming.

117

Collections Trainer/Interviewer

1: I like it, I get a new team every week.

2: I did well- but not as well as other collectors out there now.

3: There are some good ones there, they’ll get money.

118

Primary Career - Airline pilot (at work):

Sorry, I don’t know where the smoking lounge is. Why not? I spend 30 minutes a month in this airport, all within 50 feet of this particular gate. That’s why not. I suggest you ask the nice gate agent over there who works here 8 hours a day.

Baggage claim? (Looking around, then pointing) Follow those signs hanging from the ceiling with the picture of the suitcase on them that say “baggage claim”. Yes, those signs.

Yes, it’s safe. I plan to retire someday, not die today.
Primary Career - Airline pilot (off duty):

No, I don’t know your old neighbor’s cousin Bob Johnson who used to work for our company 10 years ago. We have (had actually) over 100,000 employees on 5 or 6 continents. There are a few I haven’t met.

My route? The USA. No, I don’t just do the same 2 or 3 filghts over & over again year after year after year.

No, I’ve never thought I was going to die at work, except once while riding in a hotel van in Newark.
Alternate career - Software project lead (at work)

Yes, we can do anything. No, we can’t do everything, at least not on the schedule & price you sold the customer.

Easy for the user and fast for the development team are opposing goals; which do you want more?

Yes, security is inconvenient for our users, and hard on our admins. Do you want to star in one of those “XYZ Corp’s database hacked; 100,000 consumers’ records exposed” headlines?
Alternate career - Software project lead (off duty)

Windows ME? Never heard of it. Just kidding. Yes, I’ll help you, AFTER you scrape your hard drive and install XP.

Yes, they are evil and bent on world domination. I can’t beat 'em, so I’m a fellow traveller.

Favorite computer game? Spider. Very few people who’ve been in a real war enjoy shoot-em-up games. Odd that.

119

Substitute teacher (mostly middle school or upper elementary)

  1. Is it an emergency or can it wait until the passing period?

  2. No, I don’t know if it’s for a grade. That’s up to your teacher. Yes, you still have to do the work.

  3. I’ve been a substitute for one year/this school year.
    3a. Lots of schools in 4 different districts.
    3b. Yes, I hope to be a “real” teacher starting next school year.
    3c. Okay, now you’re just procrastinating. Get back to work, ya scamps!

120

Indexer

  1. Yes, a human being actually writes every single one and no, you cannot just write a script to automate the process.

  2. If it were, I would have found something more interesting to do, wouldn’t I? *

  3. Yes, I have to read the entire book.

  • “Isn’t that mind-numbingly boring?”