Veterinary technician, specialty/emergeny practice
No, I cannot discuss your pet’s test results or prognosis with you. I don’t have adequate training or education to do that, and even if I did you would still have to wait and discuss this with the clinician in charge of your pet’s case.
1a) No, the vet in charge of your case is not here. It’s 2:30 in the morning, so I’d guess he’s probably at home and in bed. He does come in at 7am five days a week, after all.
1b) No, you cannot have his home phone number. He’ll be here in the morning to evaluate all his hospitalized patients and will call and give you an update then.
1c) No, I don’t know what time he will be here in the morning. He’d probably like to sleep a bit later than he does through the week, and maybe have breakfast with his wife. He’s generally here before noon, though.
No, I’m not vaccinated against rabies. I wasn’t last week, or last month, or any of the other times you’ve asked. I don’t get paid enough to have $600 just lying about and nothing else to spend it on, and some cheap bastard I work for won’t spring for the vaccinations. So I’m afraid you’ll just have to handle that aggressive, unvaccinated, neurological animal yourself.
I can stand euthanizing animals because it’s got to be stood. It’s very sad, of course, and we feel bad for the owners, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are plenty of living animals who need our time and attention. There’s bedding to change, medication to give, wounds to clip and clean, IV lines to untangle, xrays to shoot, and catheters to put in. Wallowing in grief just isn’t an option.
Editor for a magazine dedicated to the study of the Jack the Ripper case:
Yes, he actually existed, and he was not at all like what you saw in that movie or TV show.
It’s not a fan club of people who want to be like him, it’s for people who want to learn about the history and so forth, so, no, you don’t have to hide your knives or anything like that.
No, nobody knows who he really was, that book you read was either outright wrong or vastly overstating its case. If you tell me which book it was I can tell you more, if you really want to know.
No, you can’t have two pit bull terriers in a bachelor apartment.
Yes, we check your landlord references, verify your income and do a credit check, and no we can’t listen to you “let me just try and explain my situation…”
Yes, you need to fill out all the application form.
I’m sorry, that suite is rented.
No, the owner won’t reduce the rent if we listen to your long story.
The insurance company can do that because you signed a contract allowing them to do that. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
They won’t pay if you don’t do that. (refer back to #1) Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
3a) We have to do the double data entry because you were too cheap to purchase the second data set when you opened the newest center. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
3b) Yes, that *does * mean that now you are paying $20,000 *per year * for another data entry clerk because you refused to pay a one-time fee of $5,000. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
To the patients:
Because you chose to go out of network. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
It’s your fault you didn’t check if we were a preferred provider. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
3a) No, I can’t “just forget about” your 20% copay. Medicare does not allow me to “just forget about” it. If we can satisfy ourselves that you would be made indigent if you were to pay this we then can “just forget about” it but we would need to see your pay stubs and copies of your bills to do that. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
3b) Your congressman. Do you not remember this same discussion last week?
Systems Integrator for an Energy management systems manufacturer.
1.) Mostly computerized control systems for HVAC systems.
1b.) It means Heating, Ventilation, & Air Conditioning.
2.) Because that’s what the engineer spec’ed in the sequence of operations.
2b.) Yes, I think it’s stupid too.
3.) Of course I can make it do that.
3b.) I didn’t do it in the first place because you didn’t want to pay for it.
I also spend an inordinate amount of time teaching people who can’t even SPELL PC how to use one to control extremely sophisticated energy management systems, so a lot of my common answers are along the lines of "Go to ‘Start’, ‘Programs’, ‘TAC’, ‘Vista Server’ … ‘Start’ is at the lower left corner of the screen … Now ‘right-click’ on the picture of the, no RIGHT-click. OK, you’ll have to reboot the computer. No, don’t just turn it off, go to ‘Start’, yeah, in the lower left corner, … AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!
No, telling me it doesn’t work right isn’t sufficient, you actually have to tell me specifically what you think is wrong with it.
No, walking into my office instead of putting in a request with the department head doesn’t entitle you to get your problem fixed ahead of everybody else.
No, I program that great big computer that fills that room over there, it is not my job to fix your PC, and it especially isn’t my job to fix your PC printer.
extra bonus answer:
No, I don’t know where your printout went.
Currently:
**small business owner - soapmaker/salesman
No, I’m not the same guy who was in this building last year.
Yes, I make it myself, right here in the back room.
The fact that I own my own business does NOT mean I have a big bucket of cash under the counter with which to purchase whatever you walked in here wanting to sell me.
Okay, that’s just what I’d LIKE to say, I’m usually more polite.
There is one more answer I’d really like to give, but don’t:
I realize it is inconvenient for you that I am closed at that time, but I don’t fancy working 16 hour days, 7 days a week, K?
No, you didn’t return those books on time, see, here’s when they were due, and here’s when you returned them, two weeks later.
No, we can’t change the date on the computer to two weeks later when we check in the books. You really did return them on that date. All ten of them.
I wouldn’t tell you the next computer terminal is available in an hour if I had one available right now.
(People who have large library fines usually just whip out the credit card and pay up. People who have a fine of less than $3 will fight you to the death. Likewise, anyone who finds out they can’t get a computer Right Now This Minute *always *says “You don’t have anything earlier?” Of course, I have twenty computers available right now, and those people sitting at the terminals over there are just a figment of our collective imagination.)
No, that is not a long necked sheep/camel/llama/sheep cross giraffe/mammoth (yes a kid did ask that), it’s an alpaca.
Yes, it will kick/spit/scrach/bite you if you poke its eyes/pull its fur out/kick it etc.
It’s not sick/dead it’s asleep (you have been chasing it all day).
Animal technician:
The animal tech is the one who actually zips the mouse while the researcher writes in a clipboard.
No it dosn’t work that way anymore.
The stuff plastered all over your face was tested in this way. If it weren’t it would be illegal to sell (BTW ‘not tested on animals’ means 'we didn’t test it on animals, we stole the recipe from someone who did).
Animal attendant/actor in a christmas fun park:
Of corse I’m a real elf.
Yes I do know santa personally (all 53 of them including the asian one, the black one and the female one)
Well it’s a bit like the way american embasy is american soil. They cut a huge square out of ice from around the north pole (where santa’s kingdom is) and put in on a very big boat with all of us and santa still on it and brought it to melboune so that we could go on a christmas holiday and keep making toys so we’ll have enough by christmas to give to you.
(had to put this in) damn right I’m well paid! Why else would I be here?!
1a) “What’s the spec for that, again?”
4) “Sir, if we do it that way, you’ll lose qualification, I’ll be masted, and my LCPO will shit all over us both. And that’s even before NAVSEA08 gets involved. Do it this way, please.”
5) “No, the reactor doesn’t scare/bother me. It’s the steam plant that kills people.”