Driving home and my father farted, and my mother, sister, and I driving down the freeway in December with our heads out the window. That one was interesting.
There was also the time my father farted and it smelled like maraschino cherries. That one was just odd.
One of the first times my ex wife met my parents, we were sitting in the back of the car, and my mother and father were in the front. My dad, who was driving, let an absolute stinker rip, and my mother and I politely ignored it, albeit I wound the window down somewhat.
My ex, though, thought it had been me, and - embarrassed on my behalf for such grossness in front of my own parents - proceeded to berate me very vocally: “Jesus, jjimm you are so disgusting, couldn’t you have waited until we got out out of the car?” etc. etc.
I was frantically making throat-cutting hand gestures to her and subtly pointing to my dad. After a couple of minutes the penny dropped and she suddenly went very quiet, then puce with embarrassment. To this day she still blushes if I bring the incident up.
DELAYED REACTION STEALTH FART!
I just got back from the grocery store. While I was shopping, I felt some internal rumbles, but nothing serious until I got to the frozen foods aisle. Just as I opened one of the freezer doors, I was hit with that sudden bubbling sensation and it quickly moved down the tract and blew out as a giant SBD. I grabbed what I needed off the shelf and moved around the corner into the next aisle.
While I’m getting what I need there, I hear voices from the last aisle.
“Oh, you pig! You farted right here in public!”
"I did not. One of these TV dinners must be bad!’
WHAP! “Ow! Dammit, I didn’t!”
With much stifled snickering, I moved quickly down the aisle. I chuckled all the way through the rest of my shopping, even catching a glimpse of the wrongly accused dude and his indignant lady. And when I got into my car, I laughed out loud all the way home.
I am so going to hell.
Here’s mine, cut-and-pasted from a post i made late last year:
Years ago, i was living in England and working as a waiter in a pretty upmarket country house hotel in the Lakes District.
One evening, i was working in the dining room serving dinner. It’s one of those places where men are supposed to wear a jacket and tie for the evening meal. It was mid-week, so we weren’t really busy. There were only about 7 or 8 couples, so we used the smaller dining room, which was more intimate, with only about 10 tables.
Anyway, it was the middle of dinner, everyone was happily eating their main course, and i made one of my regular passes through the dining room to check on how everything was going. I stood in the middle of the room, and surveyed the tables to make sure that everyone was OK, and that no-one needed their wine topping up or anything like that.
While i was standing there, a fairly substantial fart caught me completely unawares, and escaped before i could even summon the effort to prevent it. It was not a long, loud, drawn-out fart—more of a quick pop—but in the hushed atmosphere of the dining room i might as well have let off a howitzer.
I was absolutely mortified, but the famous stiff upper lip of the British upper class meant that, apart from a sudden drop in the conversation, not one of the guests gave the slightest indication that they had heard a thing. They just kept sawing away at their roast beef. I made a beeline for the kitchen, where i collapsed in an absolute fit of laughter. The chefs, who all appreciated scatological humor, laughed long and loud when i told them what had happened.
My funniest “fart experience” happened to me at work a little over a year ago.
I work for Pathmark, and this day I was packing out some bread. Now, I don’t remember what I ate the night before, but whatever it was caused my stomach to churn the next day like a backed up sewer pipe.
As I was packing out the bread I suddenly had to fart. I knew it was going to be a bad one because of the way my stomach felt. I looked around to make sure there were no “innocent victims” in the area, and let it fly! It was a long one, and burned on it’s way out which solidified my prediction that it was going to be bad!
Needless to say, my worst fears were realized when I smelled it. Let’s just say it gave “stink” a new meaning. A garbage scow would’ve smelled more refreshing. The next thing I knew, I heard a familiar voice next to me. It was one of our bread vendors. He’s a really nice guy and has a great sense of humor. And, he’s also a smart alec. He said:
"Oh man! what did you do? crap your pants? Oh! I’m getting nauseous! I think I’m gonna throw up!"
In the mean time, I’m denying the whole thing and at the same time trying to stifle myself from laughing as he’s gagging.
Then…my boss happened by. He turns to my boss and says:
"Hey! Send him home! He just pooed himself! I’m getting sick over here!"
My boss (who also has a good sense of humor) replied: "Nothing doing! He’s got work to do! "
This just goes to show you. When you have to fart that bad, and you know it’s going to be a putrid one, be careful you may not be alone! :eek:
My favourite “fart experience” didn’t actually involve a fart at all.
We were all at my parent’s house, and I happened to be sitting on the couch next to my sister.
Anyhoo, I looked over at her and I said “I feel an afflatus coming on!!”
She sure got up quick!!
Using the word afflatus was a real inspiration!!!
I’ll have to come back later to read these, but I knew when I saw the thread title that I’d have to join.
Caving. Crawling along a long, skinny tunnel with other cavers in front and behind – I let loose a fart that I didn’t feel coming and didn’t have a chance to repress. It just came. My friend got the giggles, I got the giggles, and my partner ahead of me got the giggles. Up ahead, one of the other cavers yelled back, “who’s contaminating the cave.”
Fortunately, the fart didn’t stink.
I have only one fart story worth telling, and it has already been told.
First, in middle school, our class was doing warm up excercises before heading out to the field to run. Just as we prepared to do jumping jacks, I felt a large amount of gas build up. Why I tried to hold it in, who knows, but every time I jumped and legs spread, a little fart would come out! After about 7 or 8 of these, everyone in earshot was laughing. I think we did 25 of these, and every one of them brought a tiny, but audible, fart! When we were done, I just let out what was left and cried with laughter!
Second story, was departing a smoky mountain tourist train in Chattanooga, TN when lo and behold, had that huge gas swell up. I waited until everyone was departing the train (hoping it would be loud enough to cover up the noise). Well, it was loud, and I couldn’t help but start laughing. My brother also started snickering. Most funny of all, though, was the little girl just ahead of us (the line moved slow departing the train) exclaimed “Mommy, something SMELLS!” to which the mother answered “It’s just the plants, honey” to which I almost doubled over with laughter (and did once we were out of the train)!
When I was in high school me and a bunch of friends went to go see a movie. Afterwords we went up to use the bathroom and there was a guy in his forties using one of the urinals. As we each pulled up to our own urinal the guys let out a huge fart which we ignored, showing immeasurable tact for 16 year olds. Unfortunately the guy felt awkward and said “Ugh, I hate it when that happens.” Again we were quite composed until he left he restroom and then almost pissed on ourselves we were laughing so hard. To this day, more then a decade later, we will occasionally bring this line up.
Nothing smells as bad as Zombie Farts!
I’m gonna put a stake through the heart of this old fart.