I don’t drive (yet) so I pretty much rely on the bus and train to get me where I’m going, and Chicago’s public transportation is pretty good. Eighty percent of the time it’s run of the mill, but once in a while you encounter people or situations on the bus or train unique to the circumstances. Today’s lunch bus ride was one of them.
I just started a job about a mile from a grocery store (the Dominick’s east of Cabrini Green, if you’re familiar with the area). I was running a bit late on the way back, so I hopped on a bus to get back to work. I sat down directly across from a large man who was rather disheveled and dirty, and he had a two-wheeled shopping cart next to him filled with various and sundry items – children’s sweaters, empty grocery bags, helium balloons, used paper plates, etc. He stood up in a bit to get off the bus, and tried to pull out his cart, but it was caught on something. He bent over at the waist to try to free it, and tugged and tugged at it. At this point his butt was barely a couple of feet in directly front of my face, so I began to get up to move, thinking if he lost his grip he’d wind up in my lap (he wasn’t what you’d call a small man). Before I could stand, however, he gave an especially hard tug on his cart, grunted, and let fly a fart so incredibly raunchy, ill-smelling and moist-sounding that I my eyes simultaneously teared up and rolled back in my head. It was loud enough that the other passengers stopped talking and turned to see what generated the wet-chainsaw sound. The man, however, did not even seem to notice that he’d just cracked ass in my face, he just kept on tugging away at his cart. Still gagging, I stood up weakly to move to the front of the bus and the bus driver looked at me wearily and said, “I’m so sorry…this motherf-er gets on this bus ever goddamned day dragging his damn cart with him, but he sure as hell never did that before.” Now, I’m not a nelly when it comes to farts…I’ve encountered from family and friends some pretty rank ass before. But I’m here to tell you that just-baked bum farts are truly born in the bowels of hell. I have never in my life smelled anything so diseased smelling. I do know that I will be avoiding the Division Street bus around lunchtime, that’s for damn sure. I’ve caught enough ass in the face for a lifetime.
Whoo. So. Your stories?