Okay, before somebody points out my well known insensitivity as if it were something new, I should explain that, as a survivor of the college drug scene of the early 70s, the revelatory understanding of the universe after taking drugs, especially after dropping acid, was something we all went through. It’s a cliche, but one based on a common experience.
dropzone, heh, though I did strongly consider just posting it without mentioning the drug bit, it simply was part of the story and I felt that to be honest I didn’t have much of a choice.
If that helps you relate to it, then fine fine fine 
I think LSD can be a bit more therapeutic than most perscribed drugs, but then IANAPsychiatrist so there you have it.
I am totally serious though. I have used that idea posted above to explain just about everything away that seems to bother other people: why are there wars? Why do we have limited resources? Why is the universe the way it is? What’s the deal with the second law of thermodynamics? (ok, for that last one I lean pretty heavily upon The Goddess haha) Why is everything seemingly so pointless? What the fuck should I do with my life? etc etc
Whether you think I’ve flipped, tripped, or stumbled upon IT doesn’t matter. I think it is a good story, and it is true (FWIW-- those events really happened) so have at it. It has certianly stopped my fear of death and general depression. As the story relates, though, it also caused some in another. 
Seriously, that guy was at the point of becoming a slave to other people’s desires: “If I can’t be happy,” he told me, “at least I can make someone else happy.” I said, “Why not both? Isn’t that The Point?”
But really-- GD material? HAHAHA Are you still trippin’? 
erislover, thank you for the lengthy perspective. I’m still trying to digest it all, but I think I see what you are saying. Maybe you should think about condensing it into a GD topic?
And I didn’t have an attack this morning, because I worked myself to exhaustion last night (even though I fell asleep before I could fold laundry at 1:00 am…) Something I think I will start doing more often. I typically sleep 5 hours or less during the week, maybe I should just reduce that to 3 or so.
The drugs weren’t a necessary part to trigger gentle chortling of remembrance in me. And I once wrote about the religious uses of hallucinogens. (patting erislover on the head in an annoyingly patronizing manner) But I’ve been in those discussions high, straight, and drunk. It goes with the territory of being a reasonably intelligent young person trying to make sense of this crazy universe of ours.
We have both come to the same conclusion from different directions: we should make the best of it, both for ourselves and for others. However, we came to it from different directions. Why is everything so seemingly pointless? Because it is pointless, but I try to not let that bother me. It just is. I just am. I’m nothing special, though I do sometimes let that bother me.
About the only thing I know for fairly sure is that the sun will rise tomorrow and the world will keep turning. People will be born and die. If they choose to imagine a purpose for themselves that’s something with which I shouldn’t interfere.
Anthracite, I dont want to natter at you and I don’t know if you are really serious with this comment or not, but as much stress as these panic attacks can put on your system let me assure you that this “exhaust yourself” proposition falls into the category of a Very Bad Idea. I often have a significant problem getting to bed on time and few things will make you more susceptible to emotional disturbance (and illness) than lack of sleep. I know sleep is where the bad stuff happens but less of it will not solve the problem and will screw you up physically even more than you feel worked over now.
I get the sense you pride yourself on “toughing it out” and these attacks have simply overwhelmed you. Pushing yourself to 3 hours of sleep a night or less will shortly put you into the local ER or under psychiatric observation. It’s not worth the trade off. If anything, given your current situation more sleep not less, might be helpful.
There’s a lot of good advice above about the Void that I won’t belabor. And I’d cheerfully repeat any of the heartfelt wishes for a good dose of tranquility for you, if you’d like. You certainly deserve it.
But if you’re keeping score, I add my vote to the ‘see somebody about physiological factors that keep you from sleeping soundly’ column. I’m concerned about your continued (and intensifying) sleep deprivation. That would be enough to unhinge me, body mind and spirit. And it sounds like at this point it has worked with your spiritual stuff to create a brutal feedback loop: if over the years you’ve taught yourself that sleeping is dangerous, and if that makes you sleep less and feel anxious about doing it at all, then that can only contribute to the panic attacks when you do get some shut-eye. I’d say that more sleep–more truly restful sleep–and not less will give you better footing when dealing with the rest of it.
I’m rarely one to advise seeing some sort of therapist, but I suppose for the sake of a doper that I can take an ambivalent side to things.
Are you not sleeping on purpose or can you not help it.
If it is the former, I suggest a reevaluation as that is like becoming anorexic to avoid being “fat.” If it is the latter than I suggest you may sorta want to talk through your problems in some way…
But hell, I have gone through periods of sleep loss. I think we all do. It is the sign of severe stress.
:shrug: I just don’t like the idea of people going to doctors for everything. I fear that people depend too much on health practitioners of all sorts for problems that don’t require a health practitioner.
Now, I have a close-ish friend who suffers from anxiety. she is pursuing a career in phychiatry, so i suppose she knew what she was doing when going for the drug route. But I still remain as skeptical as a stereotypical housewife.
an idea is causing a person to feel terror. It isn’t like she’s fearing something irrational like aliens or Fornits (heh, just saw we have a Fornit poster here-- love that story!!) She has a fear of death.
This is, by no means, an irrational fear nor an uncommon one. The intensity is perhaps more than most people are used to, though. But I have met a great number of people who are in great fear of impending death. I know a friend who had a period where he was afraid of driving because of it.
I mean, lets face it: many people avoid certain behaviors because they are afraid of death, not because of the behavior itself. Personally, I have a pretty unreasonable fear of heights that I need to get over. Sounds petty, perhaps, but fear is fear and it is real and it is common, though certainly not as common as a fear of death.
Anthracite, I think that having to change a lifestyle to deal with a fear is a sign of avoidance. However, I can see no way to sucessfully deal with a fear of death, and I am personally afraid of recommending any course of action. If I say “See a doctor” you might think “great, now he thinks I’m a looney” and if I say “Don’t do anything” then I will feel the guilt of complicity if you continue to have problems with this fear.
As I posted above, I won’t even suggest that what you do means anything, because I don’t think it does. You are going to die someday, and then people who knew you will too, and so on and so on. I can’t say anything to this; I see it as true as can be. Death and taxes, right? So, all I can offer is what pulled me through it. My own religion? Nah, you don’t seem like the Discordian type. My thoughts on what the universe is? Well, I offered a semi-condensed version of it. But truly, what can one do to change a persons mind about a fact, and why would one want to? I wish you wouldn’t be so troubled, but I can certainly understand why you are.
I don’t mean to imply that you are actually here for advice, I just simply respond to personal issues other people have by offering it in some way. Quirk of mine.
Incidentally, I have been working on fleshing out those thoughts above into a more coherent piece and posting it in GD (since, by all rights, it is witnessing of a sort). It is difficult to formulate into a single coherent debate, however, as my own initial resistence to it has told me. The second you say something like “The universe is conscious” you can hear eyes rolling back in their heads.
Well, I am serious, but likely won’t be able to do that much towards it.
I do tend to “tough things out”, but I don’t know to what extent I will be able to push myself. I wouldn’t worry too much about me, I seem to be able to rally myself when needed. So far…
Hi.
I have had attacks like the ones described here since my childhood, and wish to share my method of defeating them. I do realize that what I’m going to say sounds trivial yet it has helped me more then anything eles has, and at least consider it an option if at all possible.
I masterbate. This action calms my body and makes me totaly focus inwards to myself, instead of the universe. In these moments I take the positive, good feelings that my own body creates and think only of them, and how amazing it is that I can make myself feel so good. I try to do this if I even think I might have an attack. This distraction keeps me from having the attck, and if I start to have one it cuts it off if I stay focused. Silly and stupid as this sounds it helped me.
i’ll go back to lurking now
Hi Anthracite,
I was moved by your OP and wish you all the best, I have some thoughts that may help . . .
Ideas from a recent article on sleeping-
Heat - if your bedroom is too hot it can disturb sleep and also cause nightmares.
Noise - try and keep the noise level down as low as possible, it suggested that if you cannot achieve silence (which is probably not good idea in your case) to play some low volume ‘white noise’ - set your radio to between stations to achieve this. Pink noise (similar but at a different frequency) is supposed to be more relaxing but you would have to buy a tape.
Some thoughts of my own,
Don’t go to sleep with an active mind, I found that this can cause nightmares, for example don’t go straight to bed after using your computer.
Try and stay away from stimulants, such as caffeine, before going to bed. remember drinking chocolate also contains caffeine.
I have found the best nights sleep I have had been after doing relaxation exercises.
If you are having trouble breathing at night perhaps you should see a specialist who maybe able to offer some suggestions . .
Another idea that has just occurred to me:
Before you go to sleep remember a place where you felt most relaxed and safe - envelope yourself in this memory. remember how it looked, smells, the feeling of the surfaces around you, how you felt at the time, make this memory as large as possible and stay with it until you go to sleep.
Hopefully that’s per night, because 5 hours a week seems far to low. . .
Although I have posted some advise above, I just wanted to post and say that I don’t believe that life is futile. Hopefully you will be able to resolve your issues soon.
Best wishes
rlea, thanks for the tip. Proof that masturbation is the Swiss Army Knife of the emotional toolkit. 
Well…another night, another attack. And another. And another. I’ve had only 2 hours of sleep, and don’t know how I will get to work…oh wait, I have a career I have to keep, so I guess I will somehow. Maybe I can sleep over lunch.
On the temperature and white noise idea - I have been keeping the temperature up to save money, but maybe I should turn it down some. I used to use a fan for white noise, but don’t now that I am alone, since I worry about being attacked in the middle of the night. Sleeping pills are out, since my diabetes is so rocky, if I go to low blood sugar in the middle of the night (which I do occasionally) then I would truly die if I couldn’t wake up.
So…I guess 2 hours of sleep a night it is. Until I go crazy I guess. I can console myself that when I finally lose it from lack of sleep, at least then I can get on a plane and go “take care” of a couple of ass goblins that have made my life unpleasant before I finally slip into yawning insanity…in fact, I’m counting on it.
First, I did not read all of the very many replies, so I apologize if I’m repeating someone here, but lets get down to a little work.
Now, panic attacks. You are not alone here with having them but it makes it a whole lot easier if you remember that they will not harm you, they will not kill you, and only are going to make you feel very bad for a period of time.
OK?
Second, it would be a real good idea for you to get to a doctor and start on a prescription of anti-anxiety pills or get some to use when needed. There are many out there and often, just knowing that you have them actually helps keep the anxiety attacks away. Another option is to simple keep some booze by your bed and when you awake in a panic, down a straight shot. The booze works faster than the drugs, but be careful, because you can get dependent on it after several months.
OK?
Another thing to do is to drink a glass of wine before bed, regular glass and not a gallon sized snifter ( ), which will help you sleep and, according to many, is good for your heart.
Now, the anxiety attack itself. There is a reason for it and I think you pretty well have it isolated and located. Go see a psychiatrist or psychologist. Get some help in eradicating it. I suffered from anxiety attacks for years, even when I learned to handle them, and I did the booze thing that helped a whole lot but better help came in the form of anti-anxiety medication and a professional. Now, they rarely happen and I have to be under a whole lot of stress to trigger one and I carry three Xanax tablets on me at all times – but mostly they wear out from banging around the container and I replace them, not use them!!
As for God, well, you’ll develop your own belief system when the time comes. I believe in God, but I do not hold with the normal, harsh, Christian belief in a strict, hard, no-fun God and instead believe in a greater, more understanding God of the Christian faith.
You sound like you’ve some major depression, mixed well with an anxiety effective disorder and possible Traumatic Stress Syndrome. All can be handled and pretty well cured, or cured entirely, by treatment. So, go get some help, OK? You are not alone out there in what you are going through, OK? Especially the depression part.
By the way, psychiatry is a custom made field. If one doctor doesn’t fit your needs, you then go find another. Find one you like and who helps you out. You’ll make it and soon these episodes will seem like a distant nightmare and you’ll have a brighter future.
OK here are some more ideas from friends of mine that seem to have similar issues.
Completely change you sleep environment.
Sleep while it is still light (i.e. evenings/ or early morning). Even better sleep during the day if possible.
Sleep in a reclining chair rather than bed.
Set an alarm to go off every two hours. Knowing that you are just sleeping for two hours seems to help. Just remember to re-set the alarm and go back to sleep again.
Patternate your sleep so that you have a strongly associated activity (folding laundry) that makes you fall asleep easily.
Have company particularly if you can alternate sleeping with them; having someone watch over you seems to be helpful. (This may not be possible for every one)
Go to sleep thinking about something you enjoy, this will help set the tone for any dreams.
I should be OK for a little while now. My Fierra is going to be taking care of me.
It occurred to me, there is a series of sleep disorders known as “sleep starts” or “night terrors” that sounds kinda like what you were describing. People report waking up with a start, or with a kick or whatever, usually in a disturbed state. I don’t know anything about it, you have to see a sleep disorder specialist about it. Maybe there’s a simpler solution, if you find the problem. Good luck.
shudder The Ex had night terrors - true, textbook, night terrors (and she was a doctor, she had the proverbial textbook on them). Thankfully, what I have is not as bad as that. The people who suffer from night terrors have my true sympathy. As do their partners, who have to experience it with them.
This site might give you some coping techniques. I’ve had the attacks for over 30 years.
Just another comment on the sleep deprivation issue: DON’T DO IT.
Seriously, that way lies madness, and I’m not talking about the cute ‘talking to the flowers’ variety, either. I’m talking about psychotic breaks, hallucinations, increased minor illness, inability to concentrate on your work, falling asleep behind the wheel, and a host o other stress-related disorders. You appear to have some major unresolved issues surrounding being victimized years ago, and lack of sleep will likely compound those in a really ugly fashion.
I’ve seen it way too often, and had co-workers and shipmates ruin their lives and health from sleep deprivation. Some have litterally died from it. Please don’t join them, if you’d be so kind.
Having read more of your reponses in this thread, I’ve got two pieces of unprofessional advice:
- See a sleep therapist.
- Find & call several good psychiatrists, describe your condition (include the assault: It’s important), and ask them to recommend a therapist or psychiatrist for you. If a name comes up more than once, it’s a good bet you can find some help there.
Oh, and one other thing: Being “tough” is all fine and well, but being “tough” when you need professional help is stupid. You’re way too smart to act stupid, so again, please don’t.
How are you doing, Anthricite?
Are any of our suggestions helping?