Tonight I watched Intervention with my SO and it really touched me. Tonight’s episode was about a very depressed and destructive cutter. She experienced sexual abuse when she was very young, and her parents basically told her that if she asked God for help, that she’ll get better.
It was very hard to watch her cut herself because I used to cut myself when I was younger. I had never cut myself as deep or as often as she did for fear that my parents would find out and they would kick me out of the house and disown me. That in itself would have been both a blessing and a curse now that I think about it. My parents never sexually abused me like that girl was, but they did mentally and emotionally abuse me in a way only parents know how. To them, I was never good enough. I was the youngest daughter which made me lower than dirt compared to my older brother. Whenever I got emotional, I was yelled at and told that I was being a horrible daughter. Whenever I did well on something, it was succeeded with “why haven’t you done this before?” I was never enough and my father at least, did not feel I was a part of the family.
My senior year in high school was the worst because my brother was in college and I was the sole recipient of their ire and displeasure.
This is where my thankfulness begins. At the start of fall semester of my senior year, I had gotten to know a person from an online bulletin board who offered support, encouragement and what I needed most, understanding and acceptance. He talked me through many fights and many, many hurtful exchanges that I endured during that year. Despite my pain and what I felt to be a significantly less than healthy mental state, he asked me to be his girlfriend during winter break.
Since then, he withstood a great deal of turmoil which stemmed from both my family and my own inner struggle with depression and self-destruction. But through it all he said he loved me and would stand by me. Even when my father said that he was done with me and that I was on my own because I wasn’t worth a damn, my SO held my hand and reassured me that he would move me into his welcoming home and that he and his family would give me the love that I never had.
No matter how low I sunk, no matter how much I hurt myself from cutting or saying things that I didn’t mean - like I didn’t love him anymore, which was something I said just to hurt myself more - he helped to pick me up and push me forward to healing myself.
His constant reassurance and nonchalant attitude when it came to mundane things such as doing more chores because I just couldn’t get myself out of bed - saved me. He helped me to realize that I was worth something. He gave me reason to believe that I could contribute to mankind. He made me feel like I could be a healthy person who had loving people surrounding me. He really saved my life just by being there for me and loving me no matter how many times I fell with my illness.
I used to be someone who hated myself and wanted to hurt myself so much because that’s what I felt I deserved. I was so full of bitterness, sadness and despair.
Thanks to him, I’m alive and doing very, very well.
So I wanted to let you, and this wonderful group of people know how much of an impact you made in my life. I love you TonyF and I thank you for being you. You’re the best thing that could have ever happened in my life.
In case you were wondering, since then, my mother has gotten a lot better. We’ve talked somewhat about the past and I think she understands how much she hurt me. Our relationship is much better after many years of slowly rebuilding the relationship that I thought was broken beyond repair. Unfortunately my father is still the same and I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel the need or the desire to try to connect with him at any level.