Thanks to my new bank account, I feel so much safer

The BBQ Pit
1

Thanks to my new back account, I feel so much safer

I decided to open a new checking account with a new bank because my old bank decided to impose a monthly charge on my “no monthly charge checking account” (which is a different bitch all together).

I walk in and speak with a nice, although not to quick, customer service rep. We start all the paperwork, I sign a few odd and ends, I hand her the opening deposit check and then she pulls out the “Homeland Security Questionnaire”.

CSR: I have to ask you a few questions from this check list. We have to do this because of 911.

Me: Oh yeah? What is it?

CSR: It’s an anti-terrorist checklist. There are only a few questions it won’t take long.

Me: So in a handful of questions you’re to decide if I’ll be using this account for terrorist money laundering? Do they really expect terrorists opening bank accounts in person to tell the truth?

CSR: It’s designed to determine your threat level. Like an early warning.

Me: Ok. Ask away.

SCR: Do you expect to be depositing more then $3000 at a time?

Me: I really couldn’t say. Perhaps.

SCR: Ok, we’ll check “no”. Next question, is anyone else going to be making deposits for you?

Me: They might.

SCR: But you don’t know for sure?

Me: I really couldn’t say at this point. Someone might.

SCR: We’ll put no.

She continued on like this. Every answer I gave was either an “I don’t know” or a “perhaps” and for each question she put down “no” for me.

What the hell is the point? Do they REALLY expect a terrorist to answer yes to questions intended to flag accounts? Wouldn’t account activity software be better suited to flag accounts automatically?

I guess just more US taxdollars at work to process this nonsense. (I figure this info doesn’t stay at the bank. I suspect it gets mailed off to some Homeland Security Department of Questionnaires Designed to Flag Terrorists but no Terrorists are Ever Flagged. -DQDFTTEF for short.)

2

Teller: So, do you deposit more than $3000 at one time?

Mysterious Man in a Dark Trenchcoat: [glances nervously from side to side] Yes, and in many small unmarked bills.

Teller: Er… well, are you planning to do that often?

Man: Yes. I have my initial deposit here [picks up black briefcase]. What is your current conversion rate on Saudi Riyals?

Teller: Er… I’ll put “no”, otherwise we’ll have to fill out a lot more forms. Ok, will anyone else be making deposits for you?

Man: Yes, but they could pass as me, as they will all be wearing conspicuously dark clothing, and they wear sunglasses all day long.

Teller: Er, I’ll put no. Here is your account number, sir, have a nice day.

3

Teller: Ok, just sign here.

Mysterious Man in a Dark Trenchcoat: Ok. Say, could you hold this brown wrapped package -which just happens to be ticking- while I sign.

Teller: Sure no problem.

4

Much like the “Have you accepted any strange, ticking packages from guys named Osama?” questions they ask you at the airport (or, on one occasion, at the e-ticketing kiosk I used…“Oh, Osama, I couldn’t lie to the kiosk. My 40 virgins will have to wait, as I was helpless before the inquiry of the little machine!”) , this is the kind of stuff our tax dollars are funding Homeland Security for.

5

Why do their new projects not seem to have any setting between ‘laughably ineffective’ and ‘disgusting violation of civil liberties’?

6

I just remembered I left out a detail. I wasn’t asked to fill out this form myself, nor was I asked to sign it.

It’s not like when you buy a handgun and they ask “do you intened to overrun the government” or “are you insane” or “do you have a history of beating the crap out of people” (or whatever silly questions they asked) and you check the boxes and sign your name.

With the bank, if asked, I could deny ever being asked those questions because they have no proof. The only handwriting on the form is the tellers.

7

“$3000 is the ‘red flag’ limit, eh? No, in that case, I’ll be sure to limit myself to repeated deposits of $2999.99. I expect there will be bursts of dozens of those transactions in a day or two every few weeks.”

8

DOH! It’s not a “back” account I got. It was a bank account.

I just noticed that.

9

These questionaires are know to be completely ineffectual unless they end with the standard “Are you telling the truth?” question. That one catches the terrorists every time. Or the “Are you of dark, swarthy appearance with a big beard?”

“Homeland Security” is a ugly, hopeless and immoral piece of legislation that will do nothing to prevent terrorism and everything to allow governmental intrusion where it has no business. The worrying thing is that the UK Government quite fancy some of it themselves.

10

Hmmm, when my husband was working for a company that paid monthly, his paycheck was over $3K - does that mean They are watching us??? :eek:

11

Fixed it.

12

I don’t know why, but I do believe that you’ve pointed out one of the major problems.

13

Because the authors of this stuff are cretinous fascists? Or maybe they’re just fascistic cretins, I dunno.

I’m in the process of again refinancing (rates just keep on dropping! So far…), and after the usual set of questionnaires and document requests, my broker said: “And there’s one thing more this time. Under the Patriot Act, I have to ask for a copy of your driver’s license.” Woo-hoooooo! Now I feel so much safer! He and I had a right good time discussing the idiocy of it all. :rolleyes:

14

[Bush Campaign Mode]

But they have been effective! How many terrorist attacks have happened on US soil since the were implemented? Huh? Answer that one, smart guy!

[/Bush Campaign Mode]

-Joe, just summarized the next 8 months of debates for you

15

I make deposits for my mom all the time, because she’s at work during the hours the credit union is open. So this makes her a potential terrorist?

This is totally stupid. I love the nice people at my credit union. They didn’t pull this crap on me last year when I opened my accounts there.

16

Because the U.S. government isn’t exactly known for subtlety?

17

I had a similar experience when I opened an account at a WAMU branch a few months ago. They required that I apply with my full legal name-which isn’t a problem-until they asked me to sign my ENTIRE FULL LEGAL NAME for the signature card.

Now I don’t know about you guys, but do you on a regular basis, sign your full first, middle and last names on documents? My first name is Samuel…I have never been called Samuel, and I have never, ever, ever in a million fucking years signed my name Samuel. It’s Sam.

I had a discussion with this woman regarding it(all the while under the glare of my wife), and the idiocy of this requirement and all I got out of her is that it was a post-9-11 “security” measure. She couldn’t fathom that signing “Samuel, Middle Last” was about as foreign to me as Farsi.

:rolleyes:

Sam

18

Because the choices available are to either put up window dressing to make things LOOK like an improvement, or to do things to actually impose security, which, of course, reduces liberties.

19

Why is everyone assuming that the government is so stupid so as to expect terrorists to say “yes” to some of those questions?

Maybe they’re just trying to gather information to eliminate false positives, e.g., if you say “No, I won’t be making large deposits,” and then turn around and start making large deposits, it seems to me that you’d be more suspicious then someone who said “Yes–I’ll be moving $5000 chunks from my retirement account to savings.”

20

Metacom, you do have a good point. But I think you’re giving people WAY too much benefit of the doubt. And if you’re right, poor Seven has all kinds of No’s on his sheet when in fact they should have been Maybe’s.

I don’t think the questionnaire means much anyway. When I opened my account, I would have never presumed that someone else would be depositing money in it. Neither would I have estimated that I would be making deposits of more than $3000. However, 4 years later, I have huge amounts of money coming into my account via Telephone Transfer from overseas.

Me? Dangerous? I don’t even kill spiders. I pick them up by a leg (as gently as possible) and put them outside. Their system would rate me as suspicious. Something’s not working.