That is one nasty looking pizza (not for the weak stomached)

Cafe Society
1

Okay.

Do NOT read this thread if you are the type of person that loves odd pizzas and cannot get an image/thought out of your head ever once you have heard it. I’d hate to ruin your favorite hippie pizza forever ya know. And I suppose also if you love fancied upped baked potatoes and can’t get thoughts out of your head.

Invited to last minute birthday party. Meet at popular hippie type pizza place. The kind where what most people consider the more classic pizzas are almost not even on the menu.

So we get there and give the other folks a call. They say will be there in 30 minutes. With them that could mean 30 minutes or it could mean an hour. I am already a bit hungry and so is the SO. So our plan is to go ahead and get a table big enough for the party and we will get a couple of appetizers. We get em and eat em. They were actually pretty cheap and good and enough to be quite filling. And I’ll give the place credit for apparently using good ingredients as well.

As an aside, one young (maybe even high school age) kid waiter there had a tatoo on his leg. On the backside of his leg opposite his knee cap. It said “oldmanriver”. I couldn’t help but obess over what that meant and why he had it. Till the dreaded pizza came that is.

So, we have pretty much filled up on our appetizers. Fortunately rest of crew actually DOES show up 30 minutes latter. They order another large round of various appetizers and we get some samples of that as well. Now, at that point I was pretty much full. And while the stuff was good it was pretty darn rich with lots of cheeses, creams, oils, and starches (not surprising for a pizza place).

Well, while waiting for the rest of crew I had carefully read all the pizza descriptions. Some sounded good (and I might have hated) and sound sounded nasty (and I might have loved). Well, the rest of the crew ordered one that was probably more the former.

It was basically a pizza version of a fancy baked potato. Sounded good to me actually. Red potatos? Love em. Chives? Check. Fancy cheeses? Fine by me. Applewood bacon? I’m in heaven. And various other good sounding stuff.

Okay, so here comes the pizza. At this point I am a bit on the quesy side from what I have already eaten. Then the dreaded pizza gets placed right in front of me. Almost instanty I am revolted.

Let me desribe said pizza. It was rustically constructed. The crust was very irregular. As were all the ingredients on it. Now crudely arranged often works. And sometimes very precise layout or various artistic ways are the way to go.

But with this thing it was a disaster for me. Clumps of chunks of potato here. Clumps of cheese over there. Same with the bacon, the chives, and whatever else was in there. But what took it over the top was what I suppose was ranch dressing and thousand island dressing. Random irregular pools of one here and there and the same with the other.

Here is the thought that crossed my mind the instant that thing was set down: OMG it looks like a drunk trying to cure a hangover just upchucked his Dennys dressed out baked potato on a pizza crust.

And that was it. I was already on the edge for the rich food. With that thought I was doomed. I could not get the thought out of my mind. I had to start looking away from the vomit pizza. Then the smells started attacking me as well. OMG, it also smells just like I imagine said thing would.

That was a long dinner. It was like a bad accident you can’t look away from. You want to not look but you keep glancing back then looking away quickly. And unfortunately that abomination of a pizza sat only two feet from my eyes and nose, with only two pieces being eaten, taunting me the whole time.

Random odd culinary experience story over.

2

Sounds delicious. I’ll have a slice right now.

I don’t quite understand the relationship between visual perfection and food. And for fucks sake we’re talking pizza here.

3

I think I threw up just a little reading the description of that pizza.

4

If that’s what, indeed, it was, that is just so many levels of wrong.

5

I don’t really think it’s visual perfection that is being complained about. If, indeed, the ingredients were haphazardly scattered such that one part of the pizza had a clump of potatoes, and another part had an overabundance of cheese, etc., that’s not about the looks of the thing. That ruins the taste.

6

No. That *varies *the taste.

7

Technically, yes. But not in a good way. That’s like getting a bacon cheeseburger where all the bacon and cheese is on one half of the burger and excusing it saying that it “varies the taste.” That’s poor construction, and if the OP is to be taken at face value, that’s a poorly constructed pizza.

8

Could be worse… with all the ranch dressing on there, your mind could have conjured up even worse thoughts. Likebukkake pizza

9

My first thought. Send your’s this way. And grab me a beer, wouldja.

ETA: “Nasty Pizza” without mention of pubic hair or insects? Sheesh. Shame.

10

Is that supposed to make it better?

Yum, a bite of pizza crust with dry potato on top
Yum, a bite of pizza crust with cheese and no sauce
Yum, a bite of pizza crust slathered in Thousand Island dressing, but no potato or cheese
Yum, a bite with tons of bacon
Yum, a bite with no bacon

Bleh. Pizza is a food that requires a certain amount of uniformity between slices / bites. The toppings of a specialty pizza should be intended to work together for a pleasant eating experience. Having it made such that you can’t get all the toppings in your mouth at the same time, is a failure, not a feature.
Please, let’s also stop with the “it’s just pizza” idea? Only fancy food should be well made?

11

Pan fried?

12

it sounds to me like you artisan pizzas and/or hippies aren’t your thing, you would have much rather gone to a more mainstream pizza joint, and you are being just a little tiny bit of a drama queen about it.

When I make homemade pizzas, I generally aim for an artistically unequal distribution of toppings- especially if I can conjure up delicious pools of ricotta, little river of pesto, islands of olive…mmmmmm. It’s kind of like the theory behind nachos- there is a underlying taste theme, but every bite is a compact little adventure playing a unique and spontaneously formed variation. Each bite is not unexpected, but unique and unrepeatable, with it’s own combination of hot and cool, salty and sweet, saucy and substantial, meaty and veggie-y, etc. I want the diner to look on in anticipation at the little swarm of prosciutto in the center, the outlying bit of pesto near the crust. i want them to miss that sweet roasted red pepper that met their first bite, but to relish the knowledge that there are plenty of red peppers waiting for them just a ways up. When they embark upon the next slice, they should not being thinking “Ok, here comes another slice of pizza.” I want them to think about replaying the journey they just went on, but in a slightly different way, like visiting a beloved vacation spot again.

I looked up the pizza you refer to. It contains “red potato, applewood smoked bacon, caramelized onion, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses, sprinkinded with chives and drizzled with sour cream and spicy ranch dressing.” It does sound pretty greasy, with lots of fatty ingredients. Cheddar, in particular, is not a great choice for pizza as it gets oily as it melts. I would have sliced the potatoes very thin and prepared them with a ranch-flavored herb crust, kept the cheddar to just the lightest sprinkle, and done a light drizzle of creme fraiche instead of sour cream, skipping the ranch entirely.

Now I’m craving pizza. Thanks, guys.

13

It doesn’t really sound like that to me. I’m a big fan of “artisan” pizza, but the description–once again, if reported accurately–sounds like poor construction. Irregular crust is fine. But big pockets of ingredients are not, unless you’re making quattro stagioni or a similar pizza where ingredients are separated on the pizza itself. The flowery impassioned prose is a nice spin, and makes for a nice read, but, as they say, you can’t polish a turd. I’ve NEVER had a pizza made in such a slip shod manner, and I’ve had more than my fair share of “artisanal” pizzas.

And, ranch dressing? Ugh.

14

Cheddar actually works perfectly fine on a pizza. Not my #1 choice, but it does work. Detroit-style pizza (one of my favorites) uses a mix of white cheddar and brick cheese, and it works gloriously.

15

If the description mentioned ranch then I don’t really see why he’d be surprised that it was on there.

It’s possible that the pizza was poorly made. It’s also possible that after a crapload of appetizers, he just wasn’t that hungry and I know for me, if I’m stuffed, even thinking about food can make me feel sick.

16

And this “artisan”/“artisanal” crap. Half the time (to be generous) it refers to people who actually know what they’re doing and put out a product with great passion, skill, and forethought. The other half of the time (if not more often), it’s just a marketing buzzword and even used as an excuse for a crappy product. Oh, why is half your pizza burnt? It’s artisanal. No, no it’s not. A nice char with black flecking is appropriate. A pizza with a solid black bottom that tastes like charcoal. No, that’s not artisanal. That’s made incorrectly.

Same thing with this whole house-made charcuterie crap. Seems like every other place now makes their own charcuterie, and most of them suck or are average at best at it. At least the pates/terrines they can get right most of the time.

17

Baked potato pizzas are made of awesome. That is all.

18

oldmanriver, indeed

19

Euughh. They put ranch on a pizza without asking? I am guessing this is the Midwest. Was it on the menu for that particular pizza? And what cutesy name did they name it?

As for revulsion towards the pizza, pics or I don’t care.