That’s a very good question . . .

. . . because it makes me seem like I’m open and prepared to talk about all sides of an issue, when, really, I don’t give a Flying Nun for what everyone else thinks cos, obviously, I’ve got my own vested interests/hidden agenda to pursue . . . why the hell else would I be here talking to you ?

. . . because it indicates to you (the interviewer) that I’m prepared to deal; I make you look good, you don’t press the awkward questions. That way, we both get through this looking great but having said nothing. Deal ?

. . . because, Mr/Ms Journalist, you’ve listened, you understand and now you appreciate I have a fully developed policy; you taken my general points and are happy to concentrate on the detail, as am I because it’s in the interests of better informing the public and which is why we’re both here. Right ?

. . . because it’s what I was taught on my one day (intensive option) media training/awareness course by that lovely girl who used to read the news on Channel 101 who seems to have ballooned somewhat. And I didn’t pay all that money . . . I knew I should have booked the two-day course and stayed a night . . . . I’m pretty sure she wanted me. Really. I’ve recommended the course to many of my colleagues . . .

. . . because everyone else in my profession uses the same phrase so it must ‘work’. Also, I want to underline my professionalism by espousing the language of accomplishment and achievement. And besides I just love regurgitating standard, trite, crass clichés that make me sound oh-so-professional. Like my suit lining ?
Stand by yer beds! The balloons gorn up in the war against news media clichés . . .

but the real issue here is whatever I now steer us to, because I have no intention of even vaguely responding to the very legitimate[sup]*[/sup] question you just asked.

[sub][copyright T. Blair, 2003][/sub]

Hello Gary! I’m sooo glad you could join us

  • . . . . because* the audience don’t know who the hell you are and you need that build up. And, of course, you do need to be important for me to condescend to have you on the show and, besides, a little sycophantism has never hurt my career. My hairdresser almost did once, though . . . .

…and these are issues which we are very serious about, but first let me change the subject…

…and our pre-election manifesto clearly states that we will address this, no, I am not prepared to discuss our performance against our last pre-election manifesto…

Well thank you London, and indeed I’m very glad to be here as I feel these * legitimate and serious concerns* require a valid and proper forum, such as this, for their full and frank discussion.

Sorry Gary, I must break in there . . .
And now, I think, joining us live <pause> from the scene is . . . .mangetout
. . .because this is a big enough story for us to have someone with big hair (what still ? It’s the 21st century?) waving an enormous phallus inches from her puckered lips outside the couthouse/family home/car wreck/grizzly, invasive human interest ‘story’.

Not remember mangetout, this is live, it’s <fanfare> breaking news, describe the scene there, now, just moments after . . . . remember, you’re career depends on you pitching this oversell just right . . .

Now more than ever…

I’m afraid we’re going to have to leave it there, fessie
. . . becasue, you see, this is a fast moving show and we can’t be seen to let conversations just come to (a) a natural conclusion or (b) end them at the end of a sentence/ 60 second slot; It’s edgy, it’s fast-moving organic, it’s dynamic. Our audience expects tempo, beats per minute. Cutting you short by three words makes us look happening. You finished anyway ? Kay. Now over to Lucy for the weather . . . .

No time for the weather, we must discuss if Britney Spears is wearing bangs in her new hairstyle and what that means to our audience.

Never mind Britney’s new hairstyle… what about the shocking murder of the pastor and his family? Done in by a vicious sexual predator transient, they were…

F_X

We interrupt your weather forecast for this press conference from President George W. Bush.

I thank God that we are able to be here to day in good health and good spirits. I have a brief message for you, the American people, after which my press secretary will answer a few questions.
It is a time we face now, with a fear greater, more looming, more everpresent than ever. And that time is now. But with God’s help we will prevail.

It is a time when young Americans are being toyed with; their teachers underprepared and, some argue, underpaid; their parents undereducated, underpaid and overwhelmed with the reality that there is more to this life they sought out than what they envisioned when they undertook that most sacred vow of Marriage. God blessed them then and He blesses them now, but sometimes, to some, it is not enough to have Our Savior and Creator’s blessing.

Sitting in this room as a testimony to this are two children, Hanna and Joseph. As I look into their faces I can tell you only this: it is a time we face now where, to some, the system has been a failure in that most desperate sense of the word: time. May God bless you both, Hanna and Joseph.

It is a time, though, of unprecedented fortune, of happiness, or rejoicing and of freedom. A people are free, and with that comes new hope we could not conceive when this administration took over with God’s blessing.

Right now a woman in Iraq is laying the groundwork for a school for women. Disgusted by a country that subjugated women for centuries on behalf of a God who requires that young boys kill themselves with no more than rusty nails and a transmitter, she sought personal freedoms we in this country take for granted. And she has God’s blessing, and the blessing of this administration, that she will continue to persevere in the face of discriminiation.

There is a boy in a hospital in Iraq who has lost half his body to a bomb some say came from those soldiers sworn to protect him and his family. I will not stand here and tell you why this happened; God’s Will is known only to Him. But what I can tell you is that prosthetic devices to give this boy what life he can have … those devices are being provided free of charge. May God bless those who have given him this second chance at life.

There is a man on death row in Texas, sentenced for a crime he fervently holds he did not commit. May God have mercy on his soul as He welcomes this man into Heaven when he has paid his debt to God.

It is a time of great struggle, of great pain, of great hardship and great shortcomings. But in that struggle is triumph over evil, and in that pain there is victory, and in that hardship there is strength of chracter to be found. And in that greatest of shortcomings we realize most truly and deeply how great out debt and shortcomings are to our Lord God Almighty.

Thank you. May God Bless you, and may God Bless America.

::reporters clamor for the press secretary’s attention::

I … have just been informed that my presence is required elsewhere. I have time for one brief question.

“Mr. Secretary, the President mentioned a time of great pain and hardship in his speech. Can you give any further details on this?”

The President mentioned several times that we are in a time of great turmoil. It is this administration’s belief that with God’s help we will triumph over it. Thank you for your time.

Yes, but did you threaten to overrule him?

(Repeat seventeen times)

I did not overrule him.

Rubbish! Resign!

The polls say we are popular, therefore we will repeatedly use this as part of our campaign.

The polls say we are unpopular, therefore we will constantly tell people polls mean nothing, and it’s policies that count.
The Opposition do not deserve to win this election because they didn’t have to deal with the tough issues, the hard questions that we did. This is because we were in power. (If they had been in power, then they could say the same. And they will, next election.)