That's it, ovaries. I'm pitting you. Both of you.

The BBQ Pit
1

Fucking ovaries. Oh, they seem sooo innocent, all fleshy and floaty like innocuous little flowers. I’ve left them alone for 23 years. I thought they’d be on my side, being part of my body and all. And yet, they do me naught but evil!

Firstly, they don’t even work properly. Sometimes they ovulate every six weeks. Sometimes every nine weeks. Sometimes every four weeks. Birth control pills don’t work. Nothing works. The insolent little sacs of gametes just sit there sullenly and do whatever the fuck they please, when they want to do it. Never mind that I’ve taken them to Walt Disney World. Never mind that they get regularly petted by my hot girlfriend. Never mind that they have a nice cushy little spare tire that protects them from the cold Montreal winter.

And do you think that they would get the secretion of hormones that determines my secondary sex characteristics right? Oh no, that’s too much to ask from the Delinquent Duo. I am hirsuite, with a not-so charming little patch of 5 o’clock shadow on my chin and body hair where no lady should have any. A 20-minute wax takes me 40 minutes. I have funny-shaped boobs, which at first I was coming to terms with, but I read an article in this week’s street paper and found out that this is a problem that is typically found in men. :eek:
So thanks for the estrogen deficiency, assholes.

They harbour little cysts that sometimes burst and release their fluid into my abdominal cavity, which causes crippling pain, and an immediate, urgent need to purge every single fluid in my body. Ah yes, The Twins are the ones to thank for at least four afternoons spent lying on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

And finally, there is the white-hot, killing jealousy that I feel when I see a baby, a pregnant woman, or hear about someone else’s new baby. The kind of jealousy that makes you burn with rage, and then seethe with helplessness and futility. I’m sure it’s not all them, but I’m going to stick this one on them anyway. They’re sure as hell not making me want a baby any less.

If I ever find out that hormones have an effect on pheromone production, I will have an explanation for my inability to attract a mate. And I will want to smash something. Even more than I do now.

2

Oh yeah…been there and done that (minus the hairyness luckily) all recently. Cysts and polyps and miscellaneous flotsam and jetsam, all successfully removed and dealt with via surgery.

But I guess I’m a lucky bitch, 'cos now I haven’t had a period in two whole months…WHEEEEEEEEEE. No period, no mittelschmertz, no rampant horniness, no last minute dashes to the supermarket to buy tampons…uh…now I think about it, maybe they removed a bit more than just my cysts and polyps…

Shit. Have I become menopausal without even knowing it??

Ugh. :frowning:

3

Don’t worry, kfl. One fine day when all the flowers are in bloom and the little bluebirds are singing in the trees, the turkey-baster of your dreams will drop into your life as if by magic and you’ll look back on all this and laugh.

'Scuse me, I think my ten-day-old may need a little parenting right now…

d&r :smiley:

4

I used to hate my ovaries, because they were verrrry selective about when they’d decide to go on ahead and give me my period. I’m talking every 8 or so months.

So 4 years ago I went to the gyno to find out what was wrong. She did an exam and said everything looked okay but that she wanted to do a sonogram (or was it an ultrasound) to get a better idea, b/c I could possibly have polycystic ovaries. Those words scared the life out of me. Two weeks later I had the sonogram and everything turned out okay, nothing wrong. So on the pill I went.

The highlight: During those two weeks I was really nervous and scared about what the sonogram would show, and I had a dream that I went to a buffet and all they had to offer were vats of scrambled eggs.. My unconscious has such a great sense of humor. :rolleyes:

5

Sorry to hear about your woes lola.

And obviously you’re able to attract a mate, weren’t you just writing of your hot girlfriend in the very same OP??

:wink:

6

Yes, men don’t look at me twice, so I settled down with a girlie. It was pretty much my only shot at companionship.

And :frowning: to Malacandra. waaaaaaaaaaaaah

7

Well, I doubt hot is anywhere near the appropriate adjective to describe myself but I’ll just blame Lola’s ovaries for that one.
cough cough crazy…
My darling Lola is and will always be the most beautiful women in the world. And as much as I argue with her I know she will never feel the same way about her body as I do. But I will say this… Good lord she’s HOT!!!

ANd I should announce that Lola and I are slowly planning our wedding and the future birth of our three children…

8

Eh? I hope you weren’t offended at my post, it was meant sincerely. You mentioned your hot girlfriend and in the same post, said you couldn’t attract a mate. I simply pointed out that that’s not true, since you do have a mate.

Don’t know how you could’ve taken that wrong, but my apologies if you did.

:confused:

9

Well, now I feel better about my darn lady parts.

10

Oh, lezlers, doll, I’m sorry if I came off prickly.

This thread is the only place I’m allowing myself to express these feelings, and I guess I let the reins slip a little.