In the midst of an office discussion of upcoming travel plans and holiday dates, a coworker mentioned that some date, “Is mine and Ken’s seven year anniversary.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for committed, long-term relationships, but she’s 22. Twenty-two. She’s “not thinking about marriage,” but has concerns about how her name will sound if she takes his surname.
This strikes me as a bit unhealthy. I mean, at 15, someone being a decent skateboarder and getting their license in a year is pretty good qualifications for boyfriend material. Seven years later, not so much. It doesn’t seem like either of them have really matured much since freshman/sophomore year of high school; I think he’s still going to be getting his license in a year or so, but his skateboarding skills have dropped off a bit.
Am I just being cantankerous and cynical here? Any thoughts, opinions, rants from the peanut gallery?
It’s odd but not totally unheard of. My BIL’s parents were together from the time they were 14 until two years ago when they divorced and they were in their late 40’s.
Don’t know the OP’s age, but 22 is still pretty young. They could end it in another year and still have plenty of time for youthful indiscretions.
I agree that a long-term relationship starting at 15 is usually not the best idea, but they might be one of the small percentage that make it. I used to work with a woman that was celebrating her 10 year wedding anniversary. A couple of months later, she celebrated her birthday.
Her 26th birthday.
She and her husband had 2 kids and seemed happy as 2 peas, so it can work.
Over the years I’ve known several couples that dated for years and years (5-10) and weren’t really thinking about marriage. In each of several cases one partner realized s/he was ready to think about marriage, just not with permadate. They broke up and within six months the leaver was engaged (or in one case married) to someone worlds different from the partner of so many years.
My mind is less boggled by someone who’s dated the same guy for 7 years and isn’t sure she’ll marry him than by the college roommate who came home after a 3rd date and told me her wedding colors were going to be lilac and rose and would I be a bridesmaid? (there wasn’t a 4th date).
I read the OP and thought “wow, yeah that’s an odd situation.” Then I did the math and realized my best friends were dating seriously when he was a 16-year-old sophomore in high school and she was a senior, and they got married his sophomore year in college. So I think the ages line up.
It’s been 12 years “together” for them and 7 years married. Huh.
The only thing that sucks about it, really, is that neither of them can give me dating advice because neither of them ever dated!
I guess I’m cynical, too - the typical pattern I see for a couple that has dated at such a young age is marriage, at least one kid and then an early divorce. :dubious: Repeat cycle.
As my family says about my brother: “just goes to show what happens when you marry your junior prom date.” Of course, they are still married after 35 years but I don’t think very happily. She is a real piece of work.
I dated someone through high school & most of college. I even asked her to marry me (twice) and she said she was not ready. Good thing for me, too, because then I met the woman I have been married to for 21 years now.
No I don’t think people that age know for sure. When you find the right one, it just hits you. No more questions.
I think it’s absurd to form a generalization about relationships based solely on a couple’s age. There have been plenty of failed relationships that began in high school; just as there have been plenty of successful relationships lasting 50+ years. As always, your mileage may vary.
That said, I’ve learned to never judge anyone’s relationship based on this fact. If they’re happy, they’re happy. Depending on who they are, it may or may not work out. But what’s it to you?
One, teenagers aren’t always stupid. I don’t think I was much more mature than my peers, and I would have been extremely offended if you characterized my qualifications for a boyfriend this way. I can honestly say that my wants in an SO haven’t changed much from the time I was 16. My SO is a good person and we’re very compatible, so I can’t have had my priorities too messed up.
Also, give them some credit for having been together one third of their lives. That’s not something a lot of people can say even at age 30 or 40.
Two, adults often are stupid. Just take a look in the Pit to find tales of relationships that never should have been and disasters that could easily have been avoided if people had exercised a bit more thought in their mate selection processes. Often, people who actually look at the person they’re dating seem vastly outnumbered by those who just focus on their SO’s pretty face, nice ass, fat wallet, or simple existence.
The only problem I see with long-term relationships that start in the teens is that they never get a chance to look around and see what else is out there. Yeah, maybe they’ve found the best person in the world for them, but if they’re not looking, they may miss someone who’s even better.
Yeah. You can (almost) never judge someone else’s realtionship from the outside unless you live with them.
I’ll add the idea that While a 22yo in this situation saying “I want to experience life we are too young to tie down” is totally understandable & I hope my kid would say that … would you make it mandatory? If no - then let her be.
I probably should have been more specific in my OP, but the coworker in question was darting in and out of the room and I figured she’d get pissed if she thought I was doubting her relationship.
I was more curious if people thought that this was normal or healthy behavior than tales of young-starting relationships that worked out well (hell, my boss’ husband is the only person she’s ever dated). I mean, when I was 20 and had been with my GF for a year and a half, people were hinting (sometimes not so subtly) that, you know, maybe we should check out some of those other fish in the sea.
Mrs. Mercotan and I had our 1st date with each other when we were both 15. We’re both 50 now, and and quite happy together, thanks.
Whether it is normal and healthy in general is a pretty wide-open question. I don’t think it can be categorized as either healthy or unhealthy just based on the info you’ve given us.
And the Mrs. and I did date around before getting seriously committed only to each other by the end of college.
Normal, no, but I think the accounts of relationships like this that have worked out well attest to the fact that it can be completely healthy.
Myself, I can’t imagine wanting the same thing in a man now as I would have wanted in a boy at 13, but that’s when my parents when on their first date. So I suppose it depends on the individuals involved.
I’m not sure what’s so unhealthy here… he may not be marriage material, but then again, it doesn’t sound like she’s thinking marriage at this stage.
By the time she’s thinking marriage, maybe he’ll have done some growing up and become marriage material. Or maybe he won’t. In the meantime, if he doesn’t make her unhappy and they have a good time, that sounds like a perfectly good relationship for a 22 yr old.
People almost never leave someone they love over abstract principle. At what point between 18 and 22 does one wake up and say “you know, I love this man and he loves me and we are happy for each other and with each other and this relationship is the best and most fuctional thing in my life but I have this vague idea that it’s a good idea to have dated around more, so I am going to make both of us miserable by breaking up.”? It’s just not what people do.
I always advise the serious couples in my class to try to avoid doing any really big favors for each other–giving up the school or scholarship you want to follow the other, say, or helping to support the other–because once you do that obligation enters the relationship and that changes things, that makes it harder to be sure, 15 years later, that you stayed together because you wanted to, not because you had to. But I never tell them to break up. The heart has it’s reasons that reason knows not and all that.
I don’t think it’s unhealthy for anyone to have a long-term relationship at any age. If I really thought they were immature I might not be thrilled to find out they were getting married, but it still wouldn’t be any of my business. I realize that a lot of growing up happens in the 18-25 range, but age 22 does not necessarily mean you are a freakin’ idiot incapable of making any wise decisions about your personal life. It certainly sounds like the only thing this girl has really done is remain monogamous with her boyfriend for many years. I have a hard time seeing why that’s a bad thing.
The whole ‘‘sowing your wild oats’’ imperative strikes me as really immature in itself. Sometimes, I think, ‘‘I kinda wish I’d dated more guys before I married’’ … but it’s not like that fact completely obliterates my happiness as a married person. I wish young people were given a little more credit. We make decisions and reap the consequences–that’s not a fact of youth, it’s a fact of life.