The 33 things I will do should I ever become a starship captain:

Cafe Society
21

  1. If I give an order to fire all weapons, I expect all weapons to be fired immediately, with no discussions about the “morality” of such actions. Any crew member who wishes to discuss such things may do so after they’re dead.

  2. Any approaching ship which doesn’t respond to hails shall immediately be blasted out of existence.

  3. Any small, furry creatures from Alpha Centuari onboard must be real small, furry creatures from Alpha Centuari!

22

  1. The transporter room will be the only place on the ship capable of being transported to, the rest of the ship’s hull being made of material that blocks transporter beams. In case of threat of being boarded, the transporter room will be filled with poisonous gases, and armed, properly trained guards will be posted just outside the door.

  2. The ship will have laser weapons built into the walls of the corridors. In case the ship is boarded, they will be instructed to fire upon anything that moves. Otherwise, they will be instructed to fire upon anything that moves and that is not a member of the crew.

52b. There will also be a backup warp core for use if the normal warp core is ejected. Both the primary and backup warp core will be of such a design that any potentially explosive reactions can be immediately shut down without having to eject it.

23

73: If during hostile action an enemy missile manages to penetrate the shields and any crew member runs from one side of the bridge to the other simulating the ship being hit, then they will be recycled for Tribble food. No question.

24

74; the Holodeck shall also be equipped with an eject device, when the holodeck malfunctions and the characters turn real, and the cutoff switches every 20 yards don’t work (as we know they won’t), i won’t have Real Simulated Evil Lincoln™ running amok on my ship, that section of the ship will be jettisoned into space and fired upon with all weapons, all crewmembers (other than myself) are expendable and replaceable

75; if my ship is a living ship, medical supplies that can cure all possible ailments will be carried in the cargo hold, no traipsing around the Uncharted Territories to find some obscure medication on some backwater little planet

76; if my living ship uses a direct neural interface with my mind, said interface will be set to “read only”, the ship will not be permitted to take control of my mind, especially if said living ship has massive weapons at his disposal and has just entered the “terrible twos” and is prone to temper tantrums…

25

80. Any crew member who can’t count, or can’t follow things in sequence will be stuffed into the nearest available airlock.

26

77; any alien race trying to attack my ship and take over the main computer (ostensibly to try and “assimilate” it into their culture) will end up downloading multiple extremely nasty computer viruses designed to wreak havoc with the alien computer hardware, the actual ships computer will be isolated behind multiple hardware firewalls, each using a different technology, as well as physically isolated in a room open to the hard vaccum of space, there will be no atmosphere or gravity in the computer core room, technicians must put on space suits to perform maintenance

78; said computer techs will be tested monthly for loyalty, there will be trick questions in the test

79; the ships computer(s) will be based on 3 seperate technologies, none of which will run the most popular OS most prone to viruses and security exploits, all computer systems will use a combination of hardware obscurity and stable OS design

80; I will be the only one with “root” access, technicians will have “admin” access, the rest of the crew will have “user” access

81; the “root” password will be a nonsense word known only to me, and will not be in any galactic dictionary

27

  1. I will assume that all alien distress calls are traps. I will send a team of remote control robots to investigate with a nuclear device strapped to them. Mostly, if I don’t get a live person to talk to regarding the nature of their distress, I won’t bother responding.

  2. If an alien race has ridiculously stringent or complex cultural standards of diplomatic interaction, I will tell them to ‘no, you adapt to my barbaric ways or you can suck it.’

  3. If I’m the main power of a federation of races, and I have an old, defeated enemy who isn’t sufficiently humiliated and crushed by my standards, I will manipulate my federation with lies and shaky evidence into attacking and invading said enemy’s world. If the federation refuses to attack, I’ll go it alone with a handful of worlds eager to toady up to my power.

28

I will find a form of body armor that protects against whatever type of small-arms weapons that are most common in my universe—be they particle beams, plasma packets, or projectiles—and outfit my security detail with said armor. Away teams will also, generally, be required to wear such armor. And I will wear the armor at all times. (Possibly even when off-duty)

All man-portable “beam” energy weapons will have a “wide field” setting.

My security detail and away teams will have weapons available to them that are between the level of “personal sidearms” and “ship-based artillery.” Even if this requires using “primitive” weapons that need heavy ammunition.

They will also have weapon options between “using sidearm” and “using bare hands.” I don’t care if it looks odd that security officers of the far future carry billy clubs.

29

When all ship board energy and projectile weapons fail, my guards will all be trained to fight tooth and nail (not just the old chief of security who transfered off and is only back on board and in command for some convoluted reason)

All conflicts will be met with the maximum leathal force, no question asked upon penaty of death the questioner, his entire bloodline and anyone who has spoken to him in the last 2 days.

All people who disagree with my publicly will be beaten. All those who do so in private will be merely slapped for insabordination.

All races that are hostile and infeiror shall be whiped from the face of the uninversal plane.

All races have two options, get in line a swear allegence to me…err my federation or be whiped from the face of the universal plane.

30

Landing parties will me equiped with M16’s, AK47’s or even bolt action rifles. Phasers will canibilized for usefull parts. Any of my soldiers that stand ten feet from the enemy and trade shots without a casualty will be re-trained in hand grenade basics. If the landing party finds a need to heat rocks or “stun” someone, a book of matches and a baseball bat will be issued.

31

I will not attempt to be a pal to everyone on board. I will maintain a professional relationship even if friendships happen to evolve between me and a few others.

32

If my federation has a race of of telepaths. I will make sure I have one on my ship in order to read the minds of all my enemies… and even my friends.

If my ship is going to have a telepath on board, I will first make sure that I have blackmailable information on said telepath in order to make sure my secrets aren’t revealed.

33

54a. Silver go-go boots will be required per uniform regulations.

  1. My primary mission will be to locate the time-space continuum tangent that allows all known beings throughout the universe, except those on Earth, to speak English.
34

Wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute there… for one, let’s not be too hasty, and two, doing this too many times might cause the male crewmembers to mutiny. And most importantly, space is big and sometimes boring- you’re gonna need some cute adolescent girls every now and again.

35
  1. Every female crew member on my ship can, and is allowed to, kick the ass of a being like Koonan Singh “Faster Pusycat” style, if he as much as lays a hand on her.
36

  1. The ships computer will be enabled with the CTRL, ALT, DELETE feature, to reboot the damn thing when an alien scan attempts to crash it.

  2. Security Forces and Marines will be trained so hard as to not pass out when a phaser (or equivalent) set to “stun” hits them. They’re Marines for chrissakes, not pansies.

  3. Any new “planet-changing” device will not be named after a book in any civilizations sacred texts, nor will it contain or use antimatter.

  4. “Yellow Alert” is hereby abolished. Either the enemy will put up or shut up. Now.

  5. All the aforementioned Security Forces and Marines will be armed with what is known as a “hand grenade”, being useful against area targets, helping assist the point-targeting hand phaser.

  6. All hand phasers will now have a trigger loop, to allow users to spin the phaser on their finger, like the cowboy gunslingers of the Old West.

Tripler
I have to admit, Starfleet is a bunch of pansies.

37

  1. All of my uniform shirts shall be made of Tyvek. You cannot garner repsect from your crew if your shirt is torn in a fight.

  2. Space hippies will be phasered on sight.

38

Pssst. Proto-matter.
I will hire mercenaries to kil my enemies whenev…
waitasec…
When did we become archvillians?

39

91: The seats on my bridge will have seatbelts.

92: If my ship is equipped with smartass talking bombs, they will be dropped off at the point of manufacture. Let the idiots who programmed them talk them out of exploding.

40

Scrap that.

Torn shirts will turn me and my crewmen into ass-kickin’ machines! :mad: