You might want to eject your tactical officer too… ain’t no such thing as a Vulcan Bird of Prey.
I think that might actually interfere with the crews ability to function. Controls, however will be designed so that the crew can easily operate them while wearing space suits (which will be onhand). On-duty security watches, however, will at all times be in powered battle armor suits.
Several, if not all of the ships shuttles will be gunships or dropships (like in Aliens).
ALL ventilation ducts can be sealed remotely from the bridge, life support plant or engineering as well as locally (which can be overridden centrally). There will be acid-proof composite/ titanium (at least) armored and screened vents between sections that will allow nothing larger than mouse to pass and can be sealed air-tight with the push of a button. Their default position will be closed, allowing air only. They will be monitored (like the rest of the ship) and armed with lasers. No creature or intruder should be able to casually walk through the ships ductwork like it’s a freakin expressway to the bridge.
Any talk of the “madness” of puny nuclear weapons on a ship with a partical beam cannon capable of sawing a planet in half will result in immediate commital to an insane asylum so as to learn what true “madness” is. (I’m looking at you John Crighton).
In case of an emergency, the ship does not automatically return to home base. It orbits home base from a safe distance broadcasting an automated warning about whatever problem caused it to return home.
Hey here’s a crazy idea. How about we screen all passengers and maintenance personel for weapons and contraband BEFORE allowing them on board?
The “prime directive” will be replaced by “gunboat diplomacy” thus making me less of a hypocrite than every Star Trek captain after Kirk.
Any race that declares that humanity is too violent a species and must be destroyed will be fired upon by my Beam of Sweat Ironic Justice.
I will not agonize over every morally questionable decision. If I need to, I will simply commendeer a friendly species Warp drive and simply send another ship to deliver a replacement as soon as possible.
I will avoid placing “override switches” and whatnot in places where throwing them requires a crew member to be exposed to deadly radiation, extreme temperatures or other hazards that could have been avoided by proper placement.
Maintenance hatches and access panels will be LOCKED when not in use. You should not be able to escape a room by jimying off the door switchplate and pulling wires out.
“Begin orbital bombardment!” is a term that is not heard often enough
If someone fires off a weapon without authorization on the ship, the following will immediatly happen.
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The room will be sealed off until a well-armed, well-trained security team arrives. Red Alert will immediatly be enacted.
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The comm officer will immediatly radio down for a status report. Silence will assume the worst case scenario.
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When the security team arrives, they will immediatly sweep for tangos and anyone holding a weapon will immedialty drop it or be fired upon. Only a single warning will be given, unless the team is fired upon beforehand.
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The firer will then be escorted to the brig where he/she/it will spend the rest of the mission. If it is an enemy, they may be shot out the air lock if not kept for interrogation or prisoner exchange. If it was one of my officers trying to prove a point by vaporize cooking implements in the mess hall with phasors , Said officer will be reccomended for court martial. My officers should know better then to fire off weapons for no good reason. An accidental discharge will result in said officer spending time in the brig, giving him/her/it time to think about proper weapons handling. Also, weapon handling privledges will be revoked until such time that the officer has passed a comprehensive safety course in weapons handling.
On the 2nd offense, the offender will be transferred off the ship after spending a month or so in the brig. He is clearly a danger to the crew.
What will not happen:
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I will not send my comm officer down to check out any weapons discharges. There’s not much he’s going to be able to do anyway, other then possibly become a hostage.
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I will not write off the whole incident as a minor breach of protocol. It only encourages more such incidents.
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I will not make it possible to cancel a ship-wide red alert from the mess hall. Only the commanding officer will be able to do this and only from the Bridge or Engineering.
Please tell Starfleet to rewire all Enterprise Class starships! The electrical wiring sucks! Every hit from a Klingon photon torpedo results in massive short circuits and fires in the control panels! Pock was almost electrocuted, poking around with a screwdriver!
Damn…haven’t they got non-flammable insulation by now? :smack:
Not so fast.
As Captain, I have a solemn duty to evaluate the level of threat/opportunity present with each new alien life form. If that means I have to meet and discuss vital issues with the Crown Princess et al, sometimes even three or four times in a row, before allowing any other crew members to interact with members of that species, well, that’s why I have the extra stripe.
Minor points of Agreement:
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seatbelts are good!
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easily taken over ships are bad. The first time it happens you should be surprised, after that you just suck at your job. Stop playing so much damn poker and install a few padlocks at least.
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fuses aren’t that expensive- please use them. Maybe even a few circuit breakers.
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transporters are your most dangerous weapon, along with replicators.
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holodecks are just going to be used for p0rn, best not to install them.
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it pays to make a good first impression- so flames and shark mouths shall be painted on every shuttle craft. For trips to primitive worlds, Nascar and Calvin peeing stickers will be added. If your shuttle craft looks like a minivan, keep designing.
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using mass drivers, nukes, beam weapons and projectile weapons against your opponent is a good idea, but chemical and biological weapons win wars much faster.
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genetically breeding your soldiers to be a breed of super strong, smart, loyal and with the ability to cloak warriors and who worship you as their God seems like a winning strategy.
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if your uniforms fit so badly you have to constantly adjust them when you stand up, redesign them already.
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a 3 warp nacelled shift is always cooler then a 2 wap nacelled ship.
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time travel makes for bad shows and continuity nightmares, so when offered the opportunity politely decline.
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if it takes blowing a prominent member of a species’ shuttle craft up to get his species to join the war on my side, then hand me the explosives, I can live with that.
All worlds, universes, dimensions, time periods, etc, have a group of Orcs living about them somewhere. They are meddlesome disturbing pests and the first order of business should always be “Locate Orcs, destroy them.”
Uniforms will, in fact, be comfortible, trendy, stylish and functional. They shall not be brightly colored spandex jumpsuits, leather or throwbacks to old Luftwaffe uniforms.
Female uniforms will in fact be brightly colored spandex jumpsuits or leather
Holodecks will, in fact, be used for nothing but porn and training to kill aliens
Inferior species and cultures, including monarchies with advanced technologies, will be subjegated
The ship will be designed for the purpose of drinking, partying, getting laid and combat. The only research facilities available will be for the purpose of improving the ship and crews ability to perform the stated mission.
The ships accounting department will make sure that all payments to crime lords have been made within a 30 day billing cycle to minimize any potential issues. By the same token, any bounty hunters or smugglers failing to make payments within 30 days for lost or stolen merchandise will have their ship confescated and/or their wages docked. I have no use for carbonite statues.
Any alien society that I or my crew encounter that has trappings of Nazi Germany (swastikas, uniforms, goose-stepping and/or stiff-arm salutes) will automatically be considered a threat.
The enemy nation which my Federation borders on is roughlyequal in tech and military strength, and my Central Command has issued a command to remove our colonists from the border to make way for a demilitarized zone.
This is because too much resources are being diverted to sustaining a conflict going nowhere.
Knowing this will not be popular with the general population and actively resisted by the colonists, I will Give them an ultimatum:Abandon your homes or WE will abandon YOU!
This may very well mean the end of any relationship with the civilian populace…aka, my parents, wife, and children could renounce me (and similar actions being brought against others in the military)…but, dammit, I took an OATH to OBEY my superiors, those who are smarter and more powerful than even myself, to protect and serve my nation AS A WHOLE. If I must sacrifice the 49% at the periphery to save the 51% at the core, so be it.
If I discover that the deadly disease of the week can be cured by using the transporter to revert to an earlier version of myself, that solution will be used to cure ANY disease or injury, from a mild headache upwards.
Likewise, if we discover alien spores that make you happy, cure all disease, and extend life indefinitely, they shall be analysed and kept for future use. Also, alien water that turns me into The Flash. Also alien drugs that grant the power of telekinesis.
Any alien that decides to test our peaceful intent by bombarding us with lethal radiation and threatening to blow us up shall find himself testing our peacful intent from the inside of a maximum security cell.
I am more ethical.
I am more merciful.
I am more generous.
I am more refined.
I am more civilized.
I am going to hire the orcs as dumb muscle & debt collectors.
That should be modified to read: “… from the inside of a cycling airlock.”
Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo!
You will notice no incompatibility at all between this and rule 104, if you read it carefully.
OTOH…
104.10 The XO and TAC Officer will have standing General Orders from admiralty, that if the Captain starts behaving like he’s in the thrall of some unknown influence shortly upon encountering “friendly” aliens, that must be presumed to be the case and immediate action taken to reverse the situation and have the “friendly alien” be the one wrapped around his finger.
104.20 The CO or anyone he so assigns may indeed seek to go “deep embedded” with interested aliens for the sake of, er, intelligence-gathering. If it involves pretending to go head-over-heels mad with luv-at-first-sight, and they’re dumb enough to fall for it, their problem. But they ain’t getting ME on that one.
104.21 OTOH if all I am is plain old horny, I will remind myself that I have a crew representative of all major genders and orientations in my multiplanetary homespace, and a relaxed fraternization policy. Plus I probably have a properly functioning holodeck, and most of the time perfectly good ports-of-call within reasonable flight time at high warp. Further, I am a highly motivated, highly dedicated member of the cream of our fighting elite; I’ve been trained to survive *&^%$ alien interrogation torture, I won’t spontaneously combust if I keep my pants on long enough to have her fully checked for any nasty surprises, including having my telepath/empath scan her mind.
104A.00 Speaking of which, deciding that you love someone in the enemy camp and admire their cause and for their sake will abandon our mission will not be seen as honorable and respectable nor as romantic and a sign of how love can conquer all. I’ll call it desertion and deal with it accordingly.
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I will program whatever computer I have to, to give me regular updates on the environment. This includes a regular scan of the breathing air, testing for microorganisms or toxins that may incapacitate 75% of the crew–nine times out of ten the smart and industrious ones–rendering my ship pretty damned useless.
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Why do I have the liability of children on my ship? I’m a starship commander, not Kindergarten Cop. If you wanted to stay with your family, you should have stayed on M-43 Alpha IV, making clay pots or something.
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“Yeah, computer, I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.” :: sips and SPRAYS :: “Computer, what the hell is this crap?” “Synthehol scotch on the rocks.” What the hell? I’m a damned starship captain, and that Synthehol crap [sub]tastes just like the real thing, without the side effects[/sub] will be banned. Any ship-of-the-line serving that sh*t will immediately have it’s science officer finding a way to take the hangover-inducing qualities out of regular alcohol. I’ll be partying like a rock star on a Friday night, but Saturday morning I’ll be fine and dandy.
144a. The Commander reserves the right to build a fully-functioning gin still in his quarters, just like Hawkeye Pierce in MASH**
- If it’s someone’s birthday, you will not replicate them a birthday gift. Make them a damn card or build 'em something, you cheap bastard!
Tripler
Feh!! Synthehol my ass. :mad:
General Order 146.
All crewmembers must submit to an identity scan before they enter any secure room, or access any computer console. Said scan will include, but is not limited to, the following:
1. Scan for mechanical mind-control implants
2. Scan for mind-controlling parasites
3. Scan for mind-controlling viruses or bacteria
4. Brain scan to detect telepathic mind control
5. Scan to detect recent brain transplant
6. Scan to detect if the crewmember is actually a robot.
7. Scan for lifesigns of all known shapeshifting alien species.
8. Scan for tell-tale signs of cloning
9. Scan to detect presence of holographic image projectors
10. Scan to detect presence of Pon Farr hormones
11. Scan to detect presence of intoxicating drugs and pheremones
12. Scan for presence of energy anomalies of any sort
13. Scan for presence of weapons pointed at crewmember’s head.
Also, the crewmember will be required to enter a password of at least 10 non-sequential characters containing at least one number, at least one capital letter, and at least one symbol. Any failed identity scan will result in an automatic area phaser stun burst and a red alert.
General Order 147
Since telepathy is apparantly the speciality of every other alien species in the galaxy, I will order my science officers to develop a telepathy shielding device. My crewmembers will wear this device at all times while on duty, even if it makes them look funny.
General Order 148
If replicator technology advances to the point where replication of food becomes common, I will order my science officers to redesign the Fleet Shipyards. The first step will be to build a giant replicator. The second step is to program the replicator to replicate 500 replicator kits. The best ship with the best crew in the Fleet will submit to replicator scan, and 500 duplicates of that ship and crew will be created. The replication will continue until enough duplicates have been created to visit every planet in the galaxy 100 times over. The duplicates will seek out new life and new civilizations.
General Order 149
Away teams will be composed only of marines in space armor with plasma rifles and antimatter grenades. They will have supplies and ammunition to last for at least 3 months without resupply, as well as a balance of genders to allow them to repopulate the planet if they become cut off indefinately.
General Order 150
I will ask my science office to spend a few minutes figuring out how to use the transporters to cure aging, disease, and death. Any beautiful alien princess who beams onboard should expect pirated copies of her available for download on KaZaa within 24 hours.
General Order 151
If I go through a spatial anomaly and notice any crew member has inexplicably grown a beard I will phaser the bastard first and ask questions later.
Woo-hoo! Tinfoil hats for everyone!
- Scan to detect IQ level. Any crew member below a preset level will immediately be phasered out of existence and given a Darwin Award.
What about crewmembers who’ve inexplicably shaved their beards?
Unfortunately, these are too often conflicting imperitives.