Unless you are Miles O’Brien on DS9, in which case replicant technology copied you so perfectly, even YOU think you’re actually you!
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They actually did show the bathroom once on TNG. There was no shower, no bathtub, no “sonic cleaners” and no toilet. There was a sink with a faucet. I don’t want to think about it more from there.
Any computer or food-o-mat type device that brews a drink that tastes almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea will be deactivated, tossed out the airlock, and used for target practice. Unless somebody can think of a more fun way to get rid of it, in which case go nuts.
- If my crew includes a super-advanced android, he must have an infallible, fool-proof on/off switch, located in the middle of his “brain,” that can be activated by remote control (which I will carry with me at all times). Experience has shown that super-advanced androids go crazy and take control of their ships appoximately once per season . . . err, that is, once per space-year.
Well, in that case, that means I’m from the evil universe, so I phaser the shaved guy, declare him lost in action, and everyone on the ship (including me) gets promoted a level. Everybody wins!
- If a mysterious, super-powerful, super-intelligent entity composed of pure energy possesses the body of some of my officers “to get a taste of human existence”, that officer is going to be killed as soon as feasible. I’m not having an unknown entity wander over the ship learning all of our weak points and potentially getting to know enough to be dangerous. This applies even if the entity falls in love with another officer and wants to try out love in a body that can love.
Subcontracting missions to ruthless alien bounty-hunters makes a good deal of sense. They take all the risks, I don’t have to write tedious condolence letters should they be eaten by gigantic plugholes with teeth, and their payments should they deliver are tax-deductible. That ought to appease those pencil-pushers behind their comfy desks at Starfleet Auditing.
Any mission which culminates in a fistfight will be considered a failure, especially if the firstfight involves the captain. There will be extensive after-action analysis to determine how we can avoid repeating such an unseemly spectacle.
We will practice diplomacy, but we will not be fanatic about it. We will have limited patience for civilizations that require us to engage in bizarre and/or suspicious rituals in order to interact with them. If you can’t sit down and talk to us like rational grown-ups, we’re moving on to the next planet.
After the second or third time that my android crew member malfunctions / goes berzerk / is hacked and takes over the ship or somesuch, he will be told to find a new line of work.
Experiments involving the space-time continuum, artificial intelligence, or powerful new energy sources will not be performed on the ship.
Instead of shoving dissappointing crew members out of the air lock all the time, the worst offenders will be made to act as “advance parties” on unfamiliar worlds and will NOT be beamed back in advent of an emergency. Sometimes it’s good to see what you’re up against before potentially wasting valuable Space Marines. You know kind of a “Woah, they spit VENOM too!!! Write that down…”
Every duty station will have plenty of pencils and paper available at all times. Ya know, in case something goes wrong with the computer system, or something.
My ship will follow one of two extremes: Either it will carry as many weapons as I can fit onboard, plus more bolted onto the outside of the hull, and a crew consisting entirely of trained military personnel, or it will carry no weapons at all larger than a personal sidearm and carry a 100% civilian crew. If my potential enemies are such that I can expect to win a fight against them, then I want every advantage I can get while I’m fighting them. If, however, my potential enemies are such that I cannot expect to win a fight against them, I don’t want to give them any reason whatsoever to get trigger happy. If my unarmed ship is threatened anyway, I will run at maximum speed while comming fleet base to send out a warship or fifty.
In either event, however, I will remember the Kzinti Lesson, that any system suitable for use for propelling an intersteller vessel is also suitable for use as a weapon, should the need arise. If, while I am turning tail and fleeing, my exhaust slices in half the enemy which was threatening me, I shall shed no tears.
Instead of futlie methods of fighting the Klingons, I will suggest the use of a 19th century technique to Starfleet Command:
(1) Light stick of dynamiyte
(2) place in transporter module
(3) transport to Klingon ship
Klingon ship blows up! No muss, no fuss! And we don’t overload those crystals that Scotty is always worrying about! 
It should never be necessary to repopulate the planet because
- The landing party will never EVER consist of the entire crew.
- The backup dropship will be crewed by a second, redundent strike force and will not require remote piloting from the ground
- The rescue mission will begin will begin as soon as contact is lost
- The ship, in the event of total destruction or loss of communication will be declared “overdue” when it fails to check in with a simple “USS Bitchsmack…Stardate October 7, 0600 hours…all systems condition green…over” - 24 hours under normal operating conditions and 4 hours while conducting combat operations. Not 17 days or when some mechanic notices that we have failed to show up to spacedock for routine maintnance after a month.
The power supply system on my ship with be adequate to supply both my shields and my offensive weapons at the same time - none of this “diverting power from the shields to the laser cannons” crap.
Emergency escape pods will be locked at all times. I will be the only person on board who knows the code to unlock them.
Crew members will be cross-trained on each others’ jobs, so that we won’t be stranded 1000 light years from home because the engineering got food poisoning or something.
All crew members will have basic medical training. As all medical problems can be solved by waving a electronic gizmo over the victim, this training can take place during a single brown bag lunch session.
I will install “lightning rods” on my ship to drain off charge into subspace/hyperspace, lest I encounter a hit from a ion cannon or quantum filament.
If I recieve a message from myself from the future, FUCK the temporal Prime Directive: I’m risking everything to get something vital through my thick skull so I’ll pay attention to it, goddammit!
When dealing with worlds outside the Federation, FUCK the prime directive, full stop. Look at the havoc that Janeway caused with it.
If I was captain of a ship, though, I think I’d prefer the B5 White Star, or one of those big Mimbari warships, to the federation model - though I would install new beds on them.
I will periodically download computer data into non-volatile storage media; especially after some significant amount of data has been computed AND before some ship-wide crisis which would knock out my computer system.
Wait just a minute here: if some cosmic entity wants to hump by daughter, well, believe me, if I can get a vastly powerful cosmic entity as my son in law… Well, the phrase p***y-whiped will come in quite handy…
More to the point, look at the havoc she caused by not following it. The destruction of the extragalactic blob’s orbital installation was a clear and blatent interference in the development of the Okampa, and it was a direct result of such violation of the P.D. that got them stranded in the first place.
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When in a situation where the results include the destruction of my ship, I will not put a whole lot of faith into downloading the entire ship’s log into a single probe to be left behind for follow-on forces or reinforcements. If a civilization can turn me into trilithium-framed toast, surely they can find that probe and destroy it, too.
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You can learn a lot from a DNA sample. Even if it’s a new civilization that’s aggressive and arming/aiming weapons equal to my own at me.
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I don’t care if she’s a relatively good looking female. The ship’s doctor will not dictate the tactical policies of my ship. Suck it up, princess, you’re just a glorified nurse with a tiny phaser.
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A computer’s voice is important. It’s comforting to have a producer’s wife do the voiceover, but at times of ‘red alert’, I’d rather have something a little more inspiring vs. comforting. The last thing I need in combat is to feel comfortable. Give me R. Lee Ermey as a voiceover, numbnuts!
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That android on the bridge? How the hell do I know it’s not a Terminator in disguise?
Tripler
The second that damned robot mutters “I’ll be back.”, he’s phaser-burned ash.