Britney Phelps.
Why are carrots orange?
Because if they were blue, they’d be blueberries.
Does this look infected to you?
No. Absolutely not. Now step away from me.
Have I just contracted something?
I see no evidence of apostrophism.
Multaj homoj ne komprenas liberecon.
What does this mean?
A lot of people understand overpaying.
What should I wear today?
Wear the blue. It doesn’t make your butt look big.
Should I have the beef or the chicken?
Yes!
–the pigs
They say that my dog needs fixing, but I don’t remember how or even whether he got broken. What should I do?
Your dog isn’t housebroken? Use a monkeywrench, and wear protective clothing.
What’s in that carton in the back of the fridge, and is it still okay to eat it?
You’re on your own as to what it is, but if it hasn’t developed a language, you should be fine to eat it.
This blue shirt makes my shoulders look big. How hard should I hit swampbear?
Think “bruise,” not “welt.”
What’s that hideous buzzing noise?
The ballast for the fluorescent tubes in your subcutaneous backlight. Be careful when you sit down.
I’m falling asleep here. What can I do to stay awake?
Stand on a small ledge over a pit filled with poisonous snakes. Motivation is key.
Why am I surrounded by fools?
You paid extra for it, remember?
Why do fools fall in love?
Inertia and/or gravity. The fun part is watching them fall and miss each other.
Why is the sky blue?
Because inquiring girl scouts want to know.
Who in my area will mow my grass for free?
I’m sure there’s a derelict or two down on skid row who’ll mow for a twelve pack. Don’t forget to leave your house unlocked in case he needs to go to the bathroom.
What’s the best way to get there from here?
Yer in Jawja, right? First, go down the road aways until ya get to the cow in the field. If’n there’s two cows, ya went and gone too far, and ya gotta turn around and go back to the oak tree. Turn left at the tree (or right at the cow if’n you didn’t hafta turn around), and go three-four miles. It’ll be there on your left. UNless they went’n moved the durn fool thing.
Good thing you aren’t in Maine - you can’t get there from here.
What is the trauma in Priceguy’s life that makes him hate coffee so?
He took decaf coffee on his boat, and it sanka.
Why did I say that?
Someone secretly switched him to Folger’s crystals–when what he needed was Preparation H.
Why did I buy that pizza?
Because it was too big to stick down your pants to shoplift.
I woke up on the ground in a f’ing graveyard pondering: dusk or dawn?