Eat in the bathroom.
How do I stop a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit cards, OF COURSE!
Who’ll stop the rain?
According to New Scientist, the rain will stop when the Earth becomes tidally locked to the Sun and the Sun gains luminosity, resulting in the near face of the Earth having a lava sea and the far face having a nitrogen icecap. There will then be no liquid water on the Earth.
So, basically, astrophysics will stop the rain.
Of course, all things change, and after a time, there will again be rain: rains of iron, phosphorus, and sodium on the shores of the lava sea.
Why?!!!
rimshot
Me if I remember to take an umbrella.
Can I get there from here?
Because I said so.
Would you jump off the Brooklyn Bridge just because all your friends were doing it?
No.
Would Cecil?
Only if he wants to. Little Ed, on the other hand…
How long can I survive on a diet of beer and vitamins?
Until you die of malnutrition.
What’s this milky white discharge on the sheets in the morning?
Ectoplasm.
Who you gonna call?
588-2300, Empire.
Who did write that book of Love?
Donald “The Love Machine” Trump.
How do I rev up my sex drive?
Stop thinking about Donald Trump.
Are you going to finish that?
Yes, yes I am. And I’m not going to share. 
Why are my feet always cold even when it’s all nice and springy out there? I’m still wearing my fluffy socks fer Pete’s sake!
Because the water in the spring is ice COLD, fer Pete’s sake!
Didn’t your mother ever teach you anything?
Yes, and it was years before I discovered that as a man I could pee standing up.
How does StarWars Eppisode III, Revnge of the Sith end?
Anakin becomes Darth Vader and Padme has twins.
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
ZOT!!!
Should I learn Oracle?
Well, I’d start with Psychic and work my way up to Oracle.
Why do the birds go on singing?
That’s just how they roll, bee-otch.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
For an owl, three.
What do men not understand about the whole “roses/chocolate/other special stuff = happy girlfriend/fiancee/wife” equation?