Yes, I have caved in shamelessly to the Wall Street Advertising Wizards with how they manipulate me to eat conspicuous amounts of McDonald’s Value Meals in exchange for the crack that is the Monopoly game pieces.
I’ve turned down their sultry vixens trying to sell me beer. I’ve rejected the rugged handsomeness of the Marlboro Man. I’m permanently immune to the siren’s call of car commercials promising me a traffic-free existence whilst doing one eighties on closed courses. And now that my metabolism has ceased operations, I don’t even drool like Pavlov’s dog anymore over a chocolate’s orgasmic adverts. Ron Papillo has no effect on me whatsoever and I openly scoff those plastic women hawking their goods on QVC. Bring them on or I use to say.
I thought I was impervious. Pop Up ads on the internet have strenghtened my immunity to near superhuman levels.
Yet ever super being has their weakness and I’ve met mine in the combination of the thrill of possibility with the nostoglia of my yute and the instant gratification of the " Everyone Is A Winner"…Who Can Resist? I mean, really! I caved in faster than Darryl Strawberry.
If I get Virginia Avenue ( the pinkie/purplie/magenta property) I will win an Elph camera and photo printer.) Never mind the fact that I just bought a Kodak EasyShare MoronProof Digitial Camara and docking station. Couldn’t I use another?
If I get Marvins Gardens and Ventor Avenue, I will get a Sony Vaio laptop and a Clie handheld. I have no idea if these are any good,and frankly have no need for a handheld, but it would give something for my husband to play with during the lulls of changing TV channels in his evening quest to find the Ultimate TV Show and/or Sporting Event.
If you get the high rent district ( Boardwalk and Park Place, for those of you who live under a rock.) You win a million dollars.Yeah, sure, even a million dollars after taxes works out to be something around $27.50, but I could buy something with $27.50, like a new bra.
If you get all the Green Properites, Pennsylvania Ave/Pacific and North Carolina, you get to take home a Plasma Screen TV. The hot new thing in home entertainment. TV’s get skinnier whilst our asses expand. It’s the American Way.
There are also the lesser prizes of of a wireless camera phone for getting the Red Properties ( Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky) which is amusing because I think Americans have reached their cell phone saturation point about two years ago leaving the cell phone makers to combine two once improbable items - phone and camera - into one. I, personally am holding out for some combination of a cell phone/ fart silencer-nuetrilizer in one. When it isn’t cell phone use, store it in the back of your underpants to help prevent embarrassing incidents during dreadfully dull board meetings. Accessorizing the nuetrilizer with spiffy smells would definately be a selling point:
Bob, perking up in a meeting whispers to the woman from accounting, " Did someone get flowers?"
Delores, “No, that’s my Sprint Wireless FSN in Spring Bouquet.”
“Really? Very nice. I use the French Vanilla and after last nights Burrito Buffet at Juan’s Hacienda, it’s working overtime, let me tell you.”
Riding in the elevator at work will never be a painful experience again, but I am getting ahead of myself.
Collect all the Light Blue properties - Conneticut, Vermont Avenue and the Policitically Incorrect Oriental Avenue - to win a Portable DVD player. Yes, when you don’t have time to watch movies at the show or on pay per view at home, you can now watch them on the go. No long will the Save-Your-Soul minister sitting next to you in a checked polyester coat and plaid pants will pester you during long business flights to renounce your evil ways. You can repel him away by watching " Two Fists for Sister Sara" , or possibly, covert him.
There are, however, the prizes aptly suited for their properties, of an Xbox for getting all the Crappy Purple properties. Low rent district. Slum lord magnets. Frankly, as someone who never evolved beyond Centipede at the arcade, I’d rather win a Skee Ball Machine, but I’m a Luddite.
And if you collect all four of the railroads you can win a white water rafting trip to Utah. After The River Wild* and Deliverance, count me out. Ok, before kids I would have been up for the challenges of an active vacation. Now, the thought of being waterlogged, soggy and have to paddle my jiggly arms off to stay alive. In my bathing suit? And I get to do with kids and a husband? Can we throw in Randy Quaid’s brood from Family Vacation as well why we are trying for a hat trick to hell vacation? As if I would be in any shape for such a trip after buying $3000 worth of Value combo heart attack to-go meals.
If these are not enticement enough, there are the little bon mots give aways of free fries or Best Buy Bucks ($1-10), the former being a carb-fest affirmation to-go, thank you very much.
From what I hear, most people when they walk into Best Buy cannot resist buying something they do not need, something about crack being filter through the air system has been mentioned by a few wives I’ve know. Being technologically impaired (Read Centipede item above) I am instantly reduced into a coma upon walking into this store. There is no appeal for cameras, videos (no time to watch) DVD’s ( I have no time to watch the videos, why would I watch the DVD? The clarity is the same when viewed through my sleeping eyes.) music ( pop culture is an oxymoron) and even their desperate attempt to win me over with big scale girly appliances, are humorous to say the least. Yes, I would like the top end washer and dryer, but I want to play " The Price Is Right" and pay only about $495 for the set, like I did with the first set I bought called, “The Woefully Inadequate Pair” Which features includes, but not limited to, leaving the stains on and not drying anything thoroughly unless it is running on Nuclear Holocaust setting for an entire weekend.
So, the appeal of this game has got me excited. Money. Prizes. Things I Don’t Need Or Do Not Know How To Operate. What more could a person ask? It is cross generational. It is goof proof. Essentially, there is no way I can lose, except by saying that I’ve just been hit on the head by the Magical Fairies with the Not A Chance Wand. I know this. I’ve been here since the last time McDonald’s did this game. I’ve been with them since the first time they did it. I will do it again. I can’t stop myself.
I blame Wall Street and Hasbro, but most Mr. Moneybags and his jaunty top hat and cane.
Do Not Pass Go, Go Directly to the Drive-Thru Window and Pay Your Cardiologists Bill $75,000.
I’d like to supersize that.