The Amazing Race 3/11: "Taste Your Salami"

Cafe Society
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Tonight, the racers go to Italy or, as Bopper puts it, “someplace tropical!” And he’s not the least of the Olive Gardeners in this episode of…the Amazing Race!

The racers leave Paraguay for Turin, Italy, where their first stop is the Lingotto Building, a former Fiat factory unusual in that the assembly line spiralled upward to the rooftop test track. Here they have a Fast Forward, to land a helicopter on the rooftop helipad. Art & JJ take it and find out that it’s a model helicopter and a scale model of the rooftop helipad affixed to a helmet that the other teammate must wear. When they land the helicopter properly, they get sent to the Pit Stop, Piazza Castello. Which I instantly assume will make Brenchel, when they get there, the Blight in the Piazza.

Anyway, the Roadblock is for one teammate to rappel down the inside airwell of the spiral factory and pick up a clue dangling about 10 feet away 1/3 of the way down. They have to get the clue within 2 minutes or go to the bottom, run all the way back to the top, and try again. The clue is to go to the Museo di Automobile and find a Ford “Tin Lizzie”.

Oh! I almost forgot the product placement! They need to drive a Ford Focus to the museum, then use the Park Assist feature to parallel park. I hate product placement, especially blatant product placement like this, but I want a car with that park assist SO FREAKING BAD!!!

Anyway, they have to find the Tin Lizzie, which isn’t overtly labeled as such but under it’s real name, the 1916 Ford Model T. On the front seat are ring boxes in the Race colors, which have a 2-Euro coin in them. The obverse of the coin has a representation of the Mole Antonelliana, a nearby building which has a beautiful dome and a spectacular elevator up into it. They’ll find their clue on the observation deck at the top.

That clue sends them on the Detour, the clever names of which I don’t remember, but which consist of either washing a statue or naming salami. Only two teams take “Name That Salami”, although several make salacious innuendos about the task. I still don’t know how the Amazing Editors got either the episode title or Vanessa’s salami quip past CBS S&P.

Art & JJ got the FF, so they came in first and won $10,000.

After spending half the show bawling and threatening to throw herself under a bus (literally!), Rachel finally identifies all of the salami and arrives at the Amazing Bathmat yelling, “DIGIORNO!” (I only wish I were kidding)

The clue-giver at the statue wash asks Bopper and Mark if they’re engaged. I die.

Bopper and Mark came in last. Sure they were being eliminated, Art & JJ gave Bopper half(?) of their prize money for his daughter, since that was why he had come on TAR in the first place. Phil further elated everyone (except maybe the few Kentucky-haters) when he announced that it was a non-elimination leg! YAY!

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Oh, and I forgot to mention Army Guy being a major dick again. My god, the man is absolutely humorless.

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Wow, Rachel was awful. Not since Flo have we seen such whining on TAR.

And yes, we know that the Ford can park itself. We get it! I wonder if the racers were required to say something positive about the damn parking system.

And I still maintain that if you can’t parallel park you shouldn’t be driving anyway.

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Rachel keeps threatening to quit - just to get my hopes up. Then she dashes them by staying. I can’t stand that woman, but she and her partner deserve each other. I can’t stand him, either.

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It makes me wonder what he was like before he joined up. I’ve known several goofy fun people who came out acting like humorless cyborgs.

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Some of their conflict is coming from getting used to each other again, too. It’s my understanding that he’s been deployed basically since shortly after they married. Rachel has gotten used to being the responsible adult of the household because she was the only adult IN the household. Now Dave comes back and thinks he’s in charge because he’s the man and she ain’t having it. I like how she doesn’t let him get away with it, either.

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This show is sponsered by Ford Focus.

Geezus. Does Kentucky need someone to wipe their dicks for them after they pee too? What tards. And the sob-story? Spare me. He’d be better off working for the 3 months this is taking than the 1-in-11 chance that he’ll win (secondary prizes are apparently crap) I’d be ok with bluegrass music whenever we see them, if we MUST, but what’s with the crappy honky-tonk music? Since when is honky-tonk/ragtime type music associated with Kentucky? Also, there was not a shred of suspense about the non-elim. None whatsoever. You can do better, Amazing Producers.

Did you know that if you have a Ford Focus, your penis or breasts will become bigger?

Rachel and whatshisname are so dysfunctional and so very, very stoopid. Like I said, if she’s mentally ill, she shouldn’t be on the show, if she’s not, she needs someone to give her a smack to the mouth for her whimpering/whining/attention whoring. And kick him in the nuts for enabling her. Also, I stand by my old rule that if you say “I quit” then you’re automatically booted from the race. Right there on the spot.

Did you know that the Ford Focus is super-awesome and will convert water to wine?

The military guy is becoming an absolute douche. It’s rare that one member is 100% wrong and one is 100% right, but she is right, he’s wrong. By the way Major Douche? “WE didn’t have problems communicating”, YOU did. She was totally reasonable.

If you don’t have a Ford Focus, you’re probably a communist. And a baby-raper.

Team Border-Patrol is kinda obnoxiously cocky. Giving up half their winnings was nice though.

I don’t know if you knew, but HITLER didn’t own a Ford Focus. Coincidence? Maybe not.

So far, the only team I actually LIKE is Ralph and whatshername. “I love this park assist”…“You are SUCH a weirdo. :)” They seem to genuinely like each other and are having fun.

It’s pretty subtle, but did you know that the FORD FOCUS is helping sponsor the show? It’s much lower-key than most of the product placement on this show. So you might not have noticed it. Also? The Ford Focus: If Jesus had a car, this would be the one he drove.

Team Guido? Deep, deep, DEEP repressed homoerotic feelings. “You’re a dirty girl. Dirty girl! Heh-heh-heh-heh.” :rolleyes: Come out of the closet guys, it’s dark and scary in there. Embrace the rainbow. Straight guys over 15 just don’t talk like that.

Oh, and get a Ford Focus. If you don’t, they’ll kill a kitten.

(I can cope with product placement, but jeesumfuck guys, dial it back some, m’kay?)

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No shit. When she threatened to throw herself in front of a car, I was yelling “do it!! Do it!”

The Amazing Raaaaaaace is supposed to be fuuuuuun!! :: pout, sob::

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Seriously… “I wanted to go around the world with my best friend!”

Then DO IT! You won half a freaking million dollars less than a year ago, for god’s sake! Go on that round-the-world trip without all the stress and strain and crap that being a TAR racer entails. Just pay for it your own freaking self and GET. OFF. MY. SCREEN!!!

ETA: Actually, FAR less than a year ago, when this was filmed. They ran this race starting in November, so at this point in the filming, Big Brother would have ended less than 2 months prior.

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What’s the rule on Fast Forwards? I thought only one team was allowed to do the FF, so I didn’t understand why Army Guy was insisting that they do the FF instead of the Roadblock when Art and J.J. were already doing the FF. On the other hand, it looked like there were several sets of RC helicopters and building-model helmets available, which doesn’t exactly make sense if only one team can do it. :confused:

Also regarding the Ford product placement: they’re in an auto museum full of awesome Italian automobiles and the clue is in a rickety old Ford? Come on now!

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Only one team can win the FF. In the olden days, you’d often have teams competing for a FF. Nowdays, it’s generally pointless. This is one of the few modern FFs where a competition would have worked.

If there was only one helicopter, they’d have had to take turns and switch off. They’ve done that before.

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Major Dad there has a real attitude. His “We need better communication” equals “Say yessir and do it my way.”

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The people here who never saw Rachel and Brendon on Big Brother got a small taste of what the rest of us already knew was coming. I’m not psychiatrist but those two have got to be a textbook case of something very bad.

The way the final mat scene was edited and/or directed had me wondering if team Number One knew it was a non-elimination leg before they donated half their first place prize to team Kentucky.

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Man, I hate the hillbillies. What a couple of loudmouth morons. I was so bummed this was a non-elimination.

And I hate Rachel. What a loudmouth moron. Agree with Fenris, they shoulda taken her up on her offer to quit.

And the army guy. Moron.

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In my head, I’m reading that in the voice of Vizzini in The Princess Bride

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I liked this fast forward - it wasn’t a matter of whoever arrived first was destined to win and multiple teams could have given it a go.
All fast forwards should be like that.

Big Brother girl is awful and Army Guy is a jackass.

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When they just showed them doing their task without pointing out how far behind they were, it became clear it would be non-elim. The only thing that made me wonder was when the Border Patrol came back to give him some money … but it was still a non-elim.

Yeah, I thought she did a good job being snarky without turning into a screamer/whiner like a certain other team… I like her a lot. But man, the husband is a douche.

Was thinking the same til their voiceover at the end (“the Race is hard” etc). Always wonder how much of it is editing and responding to certain loaded questions.

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The Border Patrol guys walk the fine line of confidence and arrogance. They believe they’re the best team, but it’s not because they think other teams suck, like a lot of the past “top” racers have done.

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Well that non-elimination surely was suspenseful. When Phil draws out the tension by not saying the critical three-word phrase for long enough, the tension collapses once you realize you won’t be hearing it. Not that I wasn’t pretty sure it was a non-elim due to the previous editing, but still.

Taxi Assessment:

Stuck in the Desert and Officially Detained - or, Philiminated with extreme prejudice.
Misa & Maiya and Dave & Cherie and Elliot & Andrew - Already eliminated.

Flat Tire - or, not likely to get anywhere soon.
Kerri & Stacy (down from “Rapido!”) - I don’t really have anything against Kerri & Stacy, and maybe they shouldn’t be ranked quite so low, buth they’re just the least qualified team still left in the race. I know that all that counts in most legs is not being last, but Kerri & Stacy haven’t seriously contended for a top-three spot even once, and they seem to be content to hit the mat in about seventh place. That works for a few legs, but pretty soon seventh place won’t be good enough.

Stopping for Gas - or, not broken-down, exactly, but not a good sign.
Brendon & Rachel (holding steady) - Rachel, honey, “fun” and “good” does not necessarily mean “easy.” In fact, things that are worthwhile and satisfying are quite often the opposite of “easy,” which in this case is “hard.” So suck it up. (Now read the preceding sentences in the context of “salami” and insert your own salami joke.) Yes indeedy, there’s the mood swing that affects actual Race performance, just like I suspected we’d see. I wouldn’t be surprised if this team had a couple good legs left in them, but eventually there will be a meltdown that drops them behind the rest of the teams, and that will be that.
Vanessa & Ralph (holding steady) - Vanessa & Ralph benefit from a clearly-planned airport unching, just like I suspected they would, and wound up with a fourth place finish, which is actually their best yet. I’m still rather bullish on this team, but realistically they’re underperforming at least four other teams, so they’ll need a bit of luck.
Joey & Danny (up from “Flat Tire”) - OK, Joey & Danny seem like they’ve gotten in the groove. I’m still not quite sure what skills they bring to the Race other than finely scuplted abs (which, oddly, would have been a solid advantage on at least one episode last season), but they’ve slipped into the top three for two legs in a row now.

"Rapido! Por Favor?" - or, making meaningless ineffectual comments from the back seat, but in no immediate danger.
Mark & Bopper (holding steady) - A last place for Mark & Bopper, but to be fair it stemmed from a single mistake that, while other teams didn’t make the same mistake, I think is still somewhat understandable. I assume the Speed Bump is still in place, so Mark & Bopper will have to use up a little more time in the next leg than the rest of the teams. However, if history is any guide, the Speed Bump is likely to be a five-minute task, so with eight teams left, Mark & Bopper only have to Git 'Er Done six minutes faster than one other team, something they’ve been pretty good about the last couple episodes.
Nary & Jamie (holding steady) - My new candidate for third-place. In some sense, Nary & Jamie are actually not that much different than Kerri & Stacy, in that both teams have had consistent middle-of-the-pack finishes. However, Nary & Jami have also been pretty consistently a couple positions ahead of Kerri & Stacy, and at least within shouting distance of the leaders, which makes me think they can slip into the top three at the end.

In the Passing Lane - or, ahead of the pack, but not quite comfortably.
Dave & Rachel (holding steady) - Dave & Rachel are back in the top three, and despite Dave’s carping had a pretty good leg task-wise. However, Dave’s clearly being a dick, and I don’t quite know what to think about that. On the one hand, he’s being a dick, plain and simple. And kind of an immense one at that. On the other, I think he’s slipping back into commanding-officer-in-a-warzone mentality, where you need to make decisions and follow orders quickly and decisively, otherwise you might literally die. That’s obviously not an appropriate attitude for working with your wife, and Dave seems to intellectually realize that, but it does seem to be something he could change, as it’s a *mindset *rather than a personality. And I’m impressed with Rachel, who seems to have handled her end of the interaction about as well as she possibly could have. All in all, though, Dave can’t really afford to keep being a dick, both in real life and on the Race, so let’s see how far his newfound self-awareness goes.

Cruisin’ with Earl - or, drivin’ on the shoulder, takin’ shortcuts, and generally kickin’ butt.
Art & J.J. (holding steady) - Art & J.J. started this leg astoundingly far ahead of the second-place team: almost five hours, as I recall. Even though there was the expected airport bunching, pulling the trailing teams back into a tie, Art & J.J. somehow got out ahead again (driving themselves, remember, so it’s not like this was taxi luck) and cruised through a FF to an easy first place.

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Yeah–I really wish Dave had gone for the FF–it would have been great to see a contest, especially when one of the participants is a real helicopter pilot.

This is one place where Dave was absolutely right when he suggested they go for the FF, although his articulated reasoning wasn’t very complete. Dave and Rachel were near the front of the pack, they knew one team was an hour-plus behind them, the FF location was pretty close, and they had some reasonable belief they might be able to best another team head-to-head. They should have at least gone and taken a look. Worst case scenario they slip a few spots at the mat, but it would be highly unlikely they would fall to last place, what with Mark & Bopper so far behind (and without going for the FF, they would never be able to compete for the first-place prize money, anyway).

Unfortunately, Dave’s articulated reasoning was more like “helicopter! Me fly!” which isn’t as convincing as it could have been, and Rachel blew him off. Which is too bad, from a viewer’s point of view.