Someone once noted that the joke/meme about one’s mother-in-law being an enemy or hostile figure seems to be a mostly American phenomenon, because in some other cultures, women typically look *favorably *on their sons-in-laws.
(I’m assuming that the Western notion of hostility with one’s mother-in-law has to do with a man being opposed by his mother-in-law, not a woman being opposed by her mother-in-law, since there is a long and tragic history of cultures, such as China, for instance, of women being bullied and abused by their mother-in-laws.)
I have never personally known of any instance of a woman being antagonistic to her son-in-law, with the exception perhaps of instances where the son-in-law was already a lousy person to begin with and many people if not everyone disliked him as well. I can’t recall any of my married American or non-American male friends having to deal with a mother-in-law who disliked them.
How did this “the mother-in-law will hate you and be your enemy” meme/joke arise in American culture, and is it still a thing? And why exactly would a woman not get along with her son-in-law, or dislike her son-in-law?
In the case of my brother, his MIL used her daughter to basically separate him from us. Holidays were always with her family, the majority of vacation time spent there, more examples like that. He did view her with a certain level of dislike but he never fought against it either.
Eh, the MIL-as-enemy is consistent with my experience, both for me with mine, and my ex-wife with my mother. Also with my mother and father (although not with my mom and dad). And most of my friends that have been married.
That said, however, I’d have to add that I don’t have any experience, anecdotal or otherwise, with a marriage that involved any friction between the spouse and the in-laws that didn’t end in divorce. So, take that for whatever you thing it’s worth.
People are people, and some are easy going, and some are difficult to get along with. A child is more likely to be accepting of their parent’s faults, and someone who is married into the family is more likely to find it challenging.
My brother’s in laws are excellent people and he has a great relationship with them.
Hmmm I can honestly say that my MIL is one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know and she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it, she’s never been anything but kind to me.
None of that in my family. My husband is estranged from his mother, and I’ve never met her, but I get along well with his step-mother. My mother adores him, and also adores my brother’s wife (I think she might even like her more than she likes me). My aunts and uncles all get along really well with their children-in-law. My father is deceased, and was before my marriage, but my stepfather is crazy about my husband. They are both war veterans, and when we visit, my stepfather likes to take my husband to the VFW for a beer. If we visit near Christmas, they go for the free beer for every vet on Christmas eve. My stepfather doesn’t have a son, and his daughter is not the military type, so this is the closest he’s going to get.
RE: my husband’s mother. None of her children speak to her, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that they each came to a realization on their own that she tried to alienate then from their father after their divorce. The rest has to do with the fact that she was verbally, and very occasionally physically, abusive.
ETA: My FIL is now deceased, but when he was alive, I was nuts about him.
The Idiot Boyfriend was pissed that I had a lovely relationship with both his mother and his sister/roomie. It broke up his mental script of what our relationship had to be like.
The Bestest Boyfriend’s mother hated me, but she would have hated anybody who dared date her Boy. Her husband found it hilarious that my deportment towards her was always perfect and that I seemed to be completely unaffected by her evil looks, but her notions of “glaring daggers” are several edges short of my grandmother’s base look…
My mother used to complain mightily about Ed’s wife, until Mom’s best friend and I pointed out that Ed’s wife happens to match the blueprint for “Mom’s dream daughter” to a t. She likes Jay’s wife a lot better, but that’s in part because of that conversation: she learned to appreciate people by what and how we are, rather than compare us to a mental blueprint which may not be so good if it turns out to be real.
One of my SILs – married to one of my husband’s brothers – has apparently made it her life’s work to separate her husband (my MIL’s favorite, btw) from my MIL. Their kids are rude to my MIL. My BIL doesn’t come up here as much as he’d like to because my SIL apparently thinks her family and only her family is now my BIL’s only family. She’s never liked my MIL, doesn’t like any of my husband’s other siblings. She barely tolerated my husband and I at first, then declared that nope, she doesn’t like us either…at my FIL’s wake, of all places.
The irony is that she’s very much like my MIL in many ways, so my theory has always been she feels she’s in competition with her over my BIL, who I’ve said has always been my MIL’s favorite.
They have marital issues. Her kids have both academic and social issues. Neither of this surprises me in the least because, you know, karma’s a bitch.
My mom and my dad’s mother hated each other because my mom didn’t take any bullshit from her. My grandmother (who was a wonderful grandmother, but not a very nice MIL…and not very nice to most other people) was a bully and the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them (or kill them). My mom stood firm, even as a teenage bride, and they were mortal enemies for the 20 years that my parents were married and another 15 or so after that. In the last three years of her life, my grandmother made amends with my mom because she realized that she had treated her horribly. My adult relationship with my grandmother was of the love/hate variety because of how she treated my mom. That was what finally brought her around.
But my mom actually likes (loves) both of my brother-in-laws than her own daughters (to whom they are married). One of my bro-in-law’s mom died long before my sister met him, so she was never a factor. We (my mom and I) were actually very good friends with my other bro-in-law’s mom and dad until her death last year. She loved my sister, her daughter-in-law, very much.
And my mom’s mother was the total opposite of my other grandmother. She loved my dad long after my parents divorced. She even asked to see him on her death bed (26 years after my parents divorced) and he came.
So the MIL situation has been very good in my family, except for my mom and my paternal grandmother…but that eventually worked itself out after 35 years.
FWIW Mother-in-law jokes are are common in German joke books, and they almost invariably pit men against their mother in law; they are a subset of the ‘man harrassed by woman’ theme. An example: Where did you get that black eye? - Yesterday in church when we got to the Lord’s prayer I could not help glancing at my mother in law, and she noticed. - But that’s harmless! - It was at the line ‘But deliver us from evil’.
Thanks I forgot about that. I was going to say that it seems to be pretty common in British sitcoms so when the OP calls it an American phenomenon it rings false.