The anti-litigation product labelling game

Product labels need to cover every angle these days as these two examples demonstrate.

Public Notice (Required by law)
Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

Advisory Notice
There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as ‘tunneling’, this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe. This could include your neighbour’s domicile. The manufacturer is not responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result from such an event.

Any ideas to cover similarly unlikely events?

Let the anti-litigation thinking begin…

This product should NOT be used in any way, shape, or form, or under any circumstances for any purpose whatsoever.
Any damage, injury, surprise, or other result of the use of this product shall not be the responsibility of the manufacturer, vendor, or any person other than the user of the product - which should, of course, not be used in the first instance.

Never mind an unlikely event - this covers everything! Let’s see 'em get round that!

No guarantee is expressed or implied that usage of this product will make the consumer a) more attractive, b) smarter, and/or c) more likely to engage in sexual relations with the appropriate sex.

Not to be used as a floation device.

“Lifetime guarantee” refers to the actual physical lifespan of the legal owner. Guarantee does not cover clones, downloads or other digital formats, cryogenically frozen bodies or body portions, or other radical changes in physical incarnation. Guarantee is voided by genetic manipulation in excess of 5% of the existing genome, telomere tweaks, and legally equivalent life-extension strategies. Manufacturer reserves the right to end product’s “lifetime guarantee” after one hundred (100) years of continuous use by legal owner.

May not function properly within or close to the event horizon of a singularity.

All sales final. Void where prohibited by law. Usage of this product in violation of the Third Law of Thermodynamics is a capital offense under Technocracy law. Opening case or exceeding the speed of light in a vacuum voids all warantees, explicit and implied.

[li] Rebroadcast, copying, transmission or storage of the whole, any portion or any part of this label in any form is expressly prohibited without the expressed permission of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball and is subject to heavy fine(s) and/or jail term(s).[/li]
[li] The above disclaimer is void where prohibited by law.[/li]
The disclaimer above regarding the above disclaimer is also void where prohibited by law.

From :

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Unedited and uncensored. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Not for internal use. Not FCC Approved. At your own risk only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Software is not returnable. Do not use in shower or while sleeping. Consult physician before taking in conjunction with other products. Due to the methods of production, each garment will be slightly different; this is meant to make each one individual. Store above 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Not a lifesaving device. Cape does not enable user to fly. Keep fingers and toes out from underneath. Contents are measured by weight, not volume. There is a danger of explosion and risk of personal injury if the battery is incorrectly replaced or mistreated; do not attempt to recharge the battery, disassemble it, immerse it in water, or dispose of it in fire. To reduce the risk of electrical shock, do not remove the third (ground) prong. Before beginning these procedures, ensure that you are discharged of static electricity. Allow components to cool before touching. Installing incorrectly may cause damage. Do not force. To protect against data loss, create a backup disk before proceeding. May cause drowsiness. May prevent sleep. Use as a handle at your own risk. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. We have attempted to preserve the sound of the original recording; however, the Compact Disc can reveal limitations of the source tape due to its high resolution. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Not edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Not tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Batteries not included. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper assembly, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized usage, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Other restrictions may apply.

Thanks guys… am I within my legal rights to sue for temporary incontinence induced by thread messages?