What? The show hasn’t even aired yet and the Raj Ratings are already posted? Well, if The Donald can air a clip show, so can I. You won’t see your usual rankings of the players. After all, since it’s likely nothing earth shattering will be shown tonight, there is really no chance for movement. We won’t see anything that changes the current beliefs that Chris is a hot-headed weirdo, Craig half Invisible Woman, half Donovan McNabb, Tana is so white she bleeds mayonnaise, Erin makes me want to eat my own face off, and Bren has no chance to win this thing. Instead, I decided to pull my favorite quotes from past ratings, and add an extra comment or two as needed. Much like Trump and this show, I consider this a paean to me.
Week 1
On Danny - “Bad start. You are quirky like Sam. So, while I find your oddness enjoyable now, I will hope you leave soon before it wears thin. This changes if you show any ability.” I feel pretty good about that being a perfect call.
On Tana - “I bet that by the time you are fired, we will all wish we had the chance to pee on you.” Well, I was wrong because now I like you, but golden shower humor is always welcome.
On the season outlook - “Still, I am 100% certain a female will win this time. I’ll say right now either Verna or Stephanie. Why? Why not.” Well, I’m still certain about the female thing. But it clearly won’t be either of those females.
Week 2
On the hotel renovation task - “At first, I though the task was awful. 2 days, 20K to renovate a hotel? Failure was the only possible outcome. But, it was a valuable lesson. You can’t always have a winner of a task. How someone reacts to the impossible and at least tries their darnedest is a good indicator of what the person is really like.”
On Kristen - “You have such a huge stick up your butt, you could visit Muir Woods and be accused of shoplifting.” Yeah, you really did suck.
On Carolyn - “None this week. Although, Carolyn bouncing on the bed and then hosting her own segment of “Where in the World is Verna San Diego” was nice to see.” They really have decided to show her as extremely likable and quite the MILF in her own right.
Week 3
On Danny’s firing - “Deserved it really. You weren’t quite odd enough to be lovable. The guitar got old quick. I think you inflicted that “Unbelievable” crap on us. And, if your best hope at staying around is trying to convince Trump to fire the exempt guy, you have big problems. And, you had big problems.”
On Erin’s legal “expertise” - “Near as I can figure you worked about nine months and then quit to become a model or TV personality. That’s like me speaking from an agrarian perspective because I eat Wheat Chex in the morning.” Yeah, blatantly overblowing your own abilities is what has really irritated me with this chick.
On Craig’s lack of screen time - “If a tree fell in the forest, and no one was around to see it squish Craig, would any of us realize he was missing from the show?”
On my fantastic predictive abilities - “Until I see otherwise, the final 4 is Bran, Tara, John, and Kendra.” Wow, that call sucked.
Week 4
On Audrey - An ineffective and minimzed role on this project. And, confessional interviews tearing others down. Until something positive comes to light, you can’t be considered a contender due to the Rancic/Perdew corollary." That pretty much panned out correctly.
On Tara (who?) - “Quiet as a mute librarian. Actually, you make a mute librarian look angrier than a Hell’s Angel in a bar fight.”
Week 5
On the candidates - “What do the contestants on The Apprentice and my freezer full of breast milk have in common? Both involve a lot of sucking and leave an unpleasant aftertaste in my throat.”
On the appeal of Michael - “He was a bigger waste of space than Tom Arnold in polite society. Michael reminded me of a smarmier, greasier, less appealing John Belushi. And, I’m pretty sure I mean Belushi circa 2004, not 1979.”
On Craig - “Maybe if I go into the bathroom, stare in the mirror, and say his name 3 times he will magically appear on the show and do something (killing Erin is a start.)” What the heck did this guy do during tryouts that so impressed the casting people? It sure isn’t coming through now.
Week 6
On the horror of Chris - “But you as a clown next week? Just think back to little Bart Simpson. “Can’t sleep. Clown’ll eat me.””
On Alex’s blinding whiteness - “I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one that gets a kick out of dorky white people reveling in their dorkiness in a situation like this.”
On John - “Right now you seem confident, correct, and untouchable. So, I fully expect the veil to be lifted soon.” Should’ve played the lottery that day.
Week 7
On Chris - " I’d feel more comfortable going to a miniature golf course run by John Wayne Gacy."
On Kendra - “Still, I think you have a lot more to offer than we have been shown. This is partly why I assume you make it to the end.”
On John’s downfall beginning - “I think everything you said to and about Audrey was spot on. I think every way you said it was obtuse, bullyish, and poorly handled. And that is what resonates. I get the feeling you are a star when you can have your way, but when things go wrong you turn more into Michael. A sulking, hulking jerk. Plenty of time to turn it around, but I think the dye has been cast.”
Week 8
On the show - “We are now actually more excited for the start of Survivor than the start of The Apprentice.” And, I think the gulf is growing.
On the continuing mystery of Craig - “You seemed solid and understated, which is probably going to be on your tombstone. Well, either that or it will just be blank, much like my memories of your good actions.”
On the Tana love - “ut, I think I am now officially rooting for Tana. She is oddly hot. Really oddly, but still. She stepped up in a major way.” This still shocks me.
Next week on the Raj Ratings…
I really hope we get some sense of some of these yokels having skill. At least with prior seasons we had people that were clearly above the pack. This time, it almost seems like every person is below average. These people are such nincompoops that they have actually found a way to subvert basic mathematic principles.
