Season 3 already? If so, that means I get to dust the cobwebs off of the Raj Ratings and deliver the “most cutting edge, intelligent, and humor filled summary of The Apprentice that exists in the known universe”*. Obviously, with a new group of mostly yokels and one or two candidates capable of putting on their clothes without getting their head stuck in the sleeve, we need a new type of criteria to judge them on. Ships worked last year, but I kind of think that, based on the book smarts vs. street smarts concept, we will break things down on education. Note, I make no judgments based on level of education. I find it quite likely that there are smarter, more successful people without a high school diploma than myself, a person with a Master’s degree. These are just conveniently listed in chronological order. I’ve also expanded the categories. If Mark Burnett can continue to push more people down our collective throat, I can continue to find expanded ways to mock them. You’ll see the person’s name, current team (BS or SS), and prior week’s ranking.
Nursery School - Full of crying, childish people that could use either a potty break or a nap. These folks deserve to be watched by the crooked daycares profiled on “60 Minutes”.
Todd (BS) – I am thrilled you were fired. Not based on incompetent boobery, but your firing gives me hope that the witch hunt attitude at TA2 won’t work here. Did production learn from prior mistakes? I hope so. As a leader? Still not sure what you did other than offer pointless praise. Why designate a kitchen manager? Running BK for a day does not require that many levels of leadership.
Elementary School - Some growth, but in the end it’s a place rife with playground fights, name calling, and a trip to the Principal’s office.
Danny (BS) – Bad start. You are quirky like Sam. So, while I find your oddness enjoyable now, I will hope you leave soon before it wears thin. This changes if you show any ability.
Erin (BS) – I’m not quite ready to articulate my intense dislike just yet. Next week. Of course, you should be drawn and quartered for that muppet roadkill shawl thingy you were wearing in interviews.
Middle School - A group that might be growing up but still prone to wild swings based on playground fights, name calling, and puberty.
Alex (BS) – I don’t necessarily think you were too bad at this task. But, you now sit with at least one strike against you in Trump’s eyes. You better not end up in the final boardroom for the next couple of shows.
Brian (SS) – No particular reason, but I think your “in your face, bulldog approach will wear thin very, very soon.
Kristen (SS) - If you remember Murder in Small Town X, you might remember her. She is the personification of what could be a bad trend this season. People excoriating those that aren’t hard-driving all the time. It’s OK to have fun and goof off, especially the first night when you don’t have a task yet. She could be the uber-bitch. She’s on my dislike list (headlined by Erin).
Tana (SS) – I bet that by the time you are fired, we will all wish we had the chance to pee on you.
High School - Not quite a child, not quite an adult. Frankly, I still don’t know what to make of these folks.
Bren (BS) – Who?
Michael (BS) – Are?
Audrey (SS) – You?
Stephanie (BS) – You had airtime, but we had no real sense of your abilities or contributions. But, an immediate backstab will cost you, especially with Danny coming back. Weather that storm, and you do have potential.
Verna (BS) – Eh.
Angie (SS) – Do you think she knows her hair is multi-colored. She looks sort of like the Ted Turner colorized Bride of Frankenstein.
Chris (SS) – I guess they cast an invisible person.
Craig (SS) – This is the greatest combo of dreads and a receding hairline since Donovan McNabb.
Tara (SS) – You may be gratingly shrill soon, but seem normal enough. So far.
College - Older and wiser, things are looking up. Maybe not ready to enter the real world yet, but getting close.
Kendra (BS) – You had one moment, but made it count. By not hopping on the “Get Danny” bandwagon, you won me over. Danny stays, you look bold and fearless, and Trump will remember that. You took a tiny risk and, short of puking on Carolyn, the rewards should last for a while.
Grad School - These people have a clue, have some seasoning, and have a chance to make an impact.
John (SS) – Very nice win, with no obvious missteps. I liked how you played the no respect card with the BK workers. You have potential my friend, now don’t make me regret this.
PhD - Ready for tweed jackets, big paydays, and a seat at the Algonquian Round Table.
After one episode? Please. But kudos to Trump for not succumbing to group think. Kudos to the task for being more about operations than selling, and kudos to Carolyn on the tan. I guess you hit the Bahamas between tapings.
My outlook on the season? I am hopeful it is more TA1, than TA2. But with this being filmed before TA2 finished, I have low hopes the producers, editors, and contestants learned the lessons of failure and boredom from the second season. Still, I am 100% certain a female will win this time. I’ll say right now either Verna or Stephanie. Why? Why not.
*courtesy of the MulliKateor. Her gurgling sounded sort of like she was saying this. Which is even more impressive since she can’t read yet.
