how many people celebrate the act of gift giving, just because you know it is expected? I’d love to say, “screw off, no Xmas this year from me.” but everyone always gets me stuff… so I feel like I have to do it back.
How long do you think people would buy you gifts if you never gave anything back? How many of your friends, do you think; would buy you a gift every year, for as long as you know each other, without getting one in return.
And birthdays, when you are a kid parents have this network set up. You go to all your friends parties and bring gifts, then they all come to your party and you get gifts. How many people still buy you something for your birthday? How many people do you send cards, let alone give presents, let alone even remember their birthdays, these days. It seems to be something that we outgrow.
But how come we can outgrow Santa, but the gift giving is never haulted? Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that it’s a national holiday, but then… when’s the last time you saw the Easter Bunny?
Once a family is commited to the tradition of Christmas, are they locked into it?
I don’t exchange gifts with people out of obligation, one relative by marriage exluded. I do the gift thing because the shopping and wrapping and paper-ripping is a part of the holidays I truly enjoy. I like buying or making things the people I love will enjoy, and I like watching them open stuff.
There are some people who feel the same way about me and always, always get me stuff, whether I reciprocate or not.
I refused to participate in the whole Christmas Orgy of Merchandise for several years. Then last year and this it has become an issue of finances.
I had to say “I’m not giving any gifts, I’m not accepting any gifts”, and stick to it. Part of that was forcefully telling my mother than I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE KNICKNACKS! and then refusing to take a gift of one home a few years back.
This year my older sister and I (we’re both in our early 40’s) have made it known that we will get gifts only for our neices and nephews. Period.
Of course, it helps that my parents have started packing to move and were horrified to realize just how much extraneous small crap they have. Suddenly they aren’t so interested in getting more little doodads.
Our family quite easily broke the ‘tradition’ of gift giving, at xmas at least. We decided to have a Kris Kringle (you give one present and receive one present) a few years back and it is worked out really well.
I also told friends that I wouldn’t be giving presents (or cards) at xmas and don’t expect any from them.
This is an interesting experiement actually. If there are truly people out there who enjoy ‘giving’ then they would continue to give you presents. In reality those people who describe themselves as enjoying the buying, wrapping and giving process also expect to ‘receive’ as well.
In my experience people took about one year of birthdays and xmas to realise that you are not going to give them anything and in most cases will stop giving (thereby proving their love of giving to be false!)
The longest I’ve given to someone who didn’t give me a gift in return was three years - three Christmases and three birthdays. I enjoyed buying the gifts, and enjoyed giving them. Then he moved and we lost touch.
I think I am one of those ones who loves to give and to get, but I am realistic about it. As we grew up, got married, had kids, etc., we just began giving gifts to nieces and nephews and, except for immediate family (spouses), left the adults out of the gifting network.
I especially love to send and receive cards, and I think it’s too bad that people don’t bother with cards anymore.
The holiday season does not have to be one of Merchandise.
I bake cookies and breads and stuff to give…also I make and freeze a lot of pesto and give that along with good quality pasta.
Well I’m a year-round gift giver and I don’t give things with the intent of getting a gift in return. I give things because it’s something I saw or made that I think the receiver would like to have.
I give to plenty of people who don’t give back - and they aren’t expected to. AND I would feel bad if I knew that they gave me something ONLY because I have given to them. Please don’t bother. I give because I enjoy it. If you don’t, I don’t mind and I don’t want something from you.
My family rocks, for a number of reasons, one of which is our attitude towards Christmas.
It started because me and my dad are painfully hard to shop for. After years of getting crap that we put in the closet (never to be seen again) or gave away, we started making lists of things we wanted (Neil Young’s new album) or things we didn’t (turtleneck sweaters) and distributing them to friends and family. This got to be a bit silly (like a gift registry for christmas? dumb.) but we perservered because the rest of the extended family liked the gift-giving thing. Eventually they relented and we started a Kris Kringle in the extended family (both sides!), and in the immediate family we do stockings for each other (no pretenses about Santa: we buy chocolates and kitchen utensils and other silly, inexpensive things and fill each others stockings with them). Now Christmas Morning is still fun, we still have something to do together as a family, we still get a bit of neat stuff, and we don’t spend loads on crap or end up with loads of crap. It’s fantastic !
Now that my kids are 13 and 15 and 21, I asked them what they would like to get more, presents that I pick out or cash and the time with me to pick out whatever they wanted in the after Christmas sales. You can guess the results. A stress-free Christmas for me and time as a family when it is all over. I am a single mom with not much money to spend on Christmas, 11 hours a day spent away from home on the road and at work. I already know what their biggest present is and will wrap that up along with the cash in the card. Maybe a few stocking stuffers.
Maybe. Maybe they felt weird about giving people things without reciprocation, in the same way you would feel weird about giving someone a TV if they got you a book. Whoops, went a little overboard there… Or perhaps they did not feel that you were getting any enjoyment out of their efforts, and that it was therefore pretty pointless, if not downright annoying to you. Reciprocation of some kind, or at least a nice thank-you note, is part of how we show gratitude and consideration or love of others, and if people do not feel that their gifts are welcome, they usually stop, out of embarrassment or consideration if not the lower feelings of greed and miffedness.
In our extended family, we are all happy to be getting presents for the kids, and not bothering with the adults, except in cases of “hey, the perfect item!” --my dad loves to get DangerDad spiffy gadgets, and vice versa. DDad and I have gotten small items for each other, but are mainly saving up for a large piece of furniture in January. DGirl (3) is getting 2 medium-size presents and some stocking stuffers, and DBaby gets nil. She can rip wrapping paper. I figure this is the last year I get to be easily frugal in before I get handed extensive wish lists.
Absolutely everyone else gets boxes of homemade chocolates, very high-quality ones if I may say so, whether or not they give us anything. I go through 20 lbs. of chocolate every year, and have to get rid of most of it somehow! (I certainly hope that all those people don’t give us goodie plates, or we will drown in sugar.)
My wife and 6 siblings got into the rut of all giving to all till the youngest child of the youngest suggested drawing family names so each one gave only one present to one of the other families.
She did the lottery thing untill she went of to college.
Now my wife sends a widowed sister a b’day present and a poinsetta at holiday time. The rest of the family just floats. The parents of the child send something small and whimsical when they find it.
My wife and 6 siblings got into the rut of all giving to all till the youngest child of the youngest suggested drawing family names so each one gave only one present to one of the other families.
She did the lottery thing untill she went of to college.
Now my wife sends a widowed sister a b’day present and a poinsetta at holiday time. The rest of the family just floats. The parents of the child send something small and whimsical when they find it.
I’m a college student. This is the second Christmas that I’ve done the gift giving thing. I’m only giving to family, but when each parent has divorced and re-married, that makes the “family” a lot bigger.
I really don’t need any of the stuff I ask for, it’s all “wants” and I could buy the stuff for myself. I don’t mind buying something for my younger siblings (and I wouldn’t mind buying something for a gf, if I had one), but I think there are too many politics involved with buying when with the “steps” involved. I don’t need any of the extra stress or worries about whether someone will like what I get them, or if I will have spent “enough” on each person. Where am I “allowed” to draw the line? Too often supposedly happy events (e.g. weddings, Christmas, parties) are ruined by politics. Maybe it’s just the people I’m around, but that’s the sense I get. I hate, hate, hate all of the politics bs and have no desire to continue to be a part of it.
So … after two Christmases I’m already burned out. Next year I’m going to tell people that I’m not giving any gifts, nor am I expecting anything. If someone insists on spending money I’ll ask that they donate it to a charity or do one of those “adopt a family” or “angel tree” gift type things. I have no desire to have this unnecessary stress, so I’ll call it off altogether. I’ll save my money, buy something for myself, and come out of the “season” much happier.
You know, I hate the capitalistic merchandising frenzy that Christmas has become, but I have to say that I enjoy our Christmas mornings, getting together with family and giving each other presents that we think they will like. My family and I have been working at taking back Christmas for awhile now - reducing it from a forced fun slog to something much more laidback and actually enjoyable. I don’t think the gift-giving will go away, but we are trying to keep a lid on it (we draw names and only give one gift each to the adults). That has helped tremendously.
My immediate family has come to a very good concensus - give a gift when you’re inspired and it’s possible, sent well wishes always. We’ve all found that it means a lot more to receive something that really came because the person thought of you. And it’s a lot more fun to shop when you have that Great Idea. I’d much rather get a thought out gift for someone every other year than spread the same amount of money out over several ‘eh - whatever’ gifts.
I don’t get or give except for one exception, my son. He’s currently 8. He’s the only person I buy for at Chrsitmas, for birthday time, or for any general reason. It works out just great. I don’t mind not getting. If I want something I’ll buy it myself and I really do enjoying giving, but only to my son.
Hmmm. I’m 20, and my entire immediate family still does the “Christmas list” thing. Yep, my 20-year-old male self still writes a list - as do my parents. Then we all know what each other wants and we just pick stuff to get off each other’s list. We’re a big Christmas family in that we love the celebration. Nobody knows who’s getting what until Xmas morning (the way its supposed to be, dammit!). And yes, Santa still “exists”.
I was pondering this just the other day. I have a very small family and one niece. My sister and I do not buy for each other anymore, but we buy birthday and Christmas presents for my young niece. I don’t mind doing it, but I’m starting to feel like a sucker.
My sister is extremely well off (rich) and we’re totally average. It just seems weird to me that we keep shelling out for nice gifts (about $100 each event) with nothing in return (not even a card at any point) simply because we don’t have a child.
I don’t want to penalize my niece (we don’t live anywhere near her) so we’ll keep buying forever, but I can’t help feeling a tiny bit resentful that there’s no effort at all on my sister’s part. Even mailing a nice thank you card or something. We usually get a phone call.