“Okay, I’ll sell you Park Place.”
(Just said this afternoon.)
Be a good friend.
Read good books.
Take chances.
This too, shall pass.
Love Ya,
But…no
“I got the papers if you got the weed.”
“I love you the way you are.”
“You The Man!! Whoo-hoo!”
“I love you.”
Not my own invention, I’ve read somewhere. This has been said to an adopted kid.
“You are special because other kids have simply been born to me by chance, you I have chosen.”
My mom said to me once: You’ve made me a better person.
She also said to me once: I loved you since before you were born.
I never quite understood this, but I do now.
My sister once told me “Mom says she likes me best.” So I asked mom. She tried the “I love you both the same” business, but I wasn’t buying it, so finally, she said “No, I like you best.” It did NOT make me feel any better. Is there any good answer to this?
I think the best thing my mom ever said to me wasn’t praise per se. She once told me, “No matter how good you are at something, there’s always going to be someone better.”
Now, at first glance that may seem like a horrible thing to say to a child, but in reality it gave me the freedom to succeed at things without fearing failure. With the knowledge that there was always gong to be someone better out there, I was able to take my lumps in stride, knowing that I couldn’t be the best necessarily, but I could be my best. Maybe that’s cheesy, but it’s something I’ve always appreciated, and I think I’ve succeeded in a lot because of it.
Stealing from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: Kids don’t want to be loved “the same”. Nor do they want to be loved more than their siblings, not really. What they want is to be loved and acknowledged as unique individuals. So a good answer would be to ignore the Mom-loves-me-best competition as much as possible and instead emphasize that Mom is not going to choose. Maybe something like “I can’t compare how much I love two wonderful kids like you and your sister, like I could compare whether I like chocolate or vanilla ice cream better. You’re not ice cream. You are my guava, and there’s only one guava in the whole world.” And maybe go on to mention specific things Mom loves, without mentioning Sister any more.
And to add some things I find are important to say to my kids:
“I’m sorry.”
“You were right, I was mistaken.”
“I really appreciate what you did.”
“That showed a lot of [loyalty, maturity, self-control, consideration…]!”
“I like spending time with you.”
“You’ve gotten much better at that!”
My kids go to Montessori schools, and in Montessori theory the best praise is to show the child that you’re paying attention to what they’re doing. So instead of saying “Great drawing!”, you sit down and say “Tell me about your drawing” and then really listen. Or you make a comment about the drawing, even if it’s just something like “You used a lot of red. Are you in a red mood today?” I’ve found kids really warm to this, and it doesn’t get old like “good job” does.
“I love you” has to top the list.
My dad did tell me “The world doesn’t care if you live or die, so you’re better off living and living well,” but that was when I was 30 years old. Pretty good advice, but maybe a bit strong for a toddler.
I was skimming through this thread this morning, when the phone rang - it was my father. He said, “Could you get the next train and come into town? I was going for coffee and I couldn’t go without you.”
He calls me up and says this about once a week. I love my dad. 