Yesterday I ventured over to my holy land… Starbucks. I got myself an iced coffee (I’m on Atkins - so no machiattos for me) and a frap for a coworker. I felt especially sexy yesterday in my favorite white linen skirt. I order the drinks and pay the miserable little Wanna-Be-Katie-Holmes-Starbucks-Chick and scurried out the door. As I’m walking thru the parking lot with my purse on my arm and a drink and each hand, I start to feel something a little funny (not funny-haha). Well, wouldn’t you know it… my skirt is on its way to my ankles. Thanks to the 37lbs I’ve lost, my pretty white skirt is coming dangerously close to exposing my pretty little white buns.
“CRAP CRAP CRAP!” I scream in my head.
Now, this wasn’t a little “Oopsie my underwear might show” tragedy.First of all… (can’t believe I’m admitting this but…) I wasn’t wearing any underwear. Secondly I was TRAPPED in my own “The Most Embarrassing Thing That Ever Happened To Me Was…” story. I couldn’t hold my skirt up with my hands because they were carrying my beloved beverages. I couldn’t bend over and set them down in the street because bending over would be disastrous at this point in “The Big Fall”. I couldn’t set the drinks on anything because I was mid parking lot, about 10 steps away from ANYTHING and with every step I was showing another inch of skin. I considered dropping the frappacino on the ground to free up a hand, and returning later for a replacement. After all, coworker is rude and generally unpleasant and in my opinion doesn’t deserve such a delicious treat. But then what if some frappacino splashed on my beautiful white skirt? I could throw it… but what if someone saw me? I was clearly running out of options. I tried pushing my gut out. That made things worse. What little of the skirt was left on my belly rolled right off to fulfill its fate in “The Big Fall”.
“CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!” I screamed in my head.
Every breath pushed the skirt further and further down. So I stopped breathing. But then I was afraid I’d pass out, skirt around ankles, frappacino everywhere and people would start mentioning my unmentionables and I could never again return to my holy land.
So I walked VERY slowly, VERY carefully. I was like an ice skater. I hunched to the side trying to hold my skirt with my elbow. I stuck my butt out, hoping to create a larger “shelf” and hook some fabric. I avoided eye contact with the unsuspecting passerbys wondering what kind of weird deformity or handicap I have. By the time I made it to the car I was exposing about 4 inches of buttcrack. REAL BUTTCRACK.
As I reached up to place the frap on top of my car “The Big Fall” turned into a LANDSLIDE and I fear I may have exposed a little fur. Luckily I was standing in between my car and the neighboring car, which was hopefully blocking the free show. I quickly set down the drink and yanked up my skirt. I didn’t bother looking around to see if anyone had noticed, because in my opinion that makes it worse. People who saw can laugh and tell their loved ones, but I will NOT let them experience the horror and embarrassment in my eyes.
MORAL of the story: Wear underwear, Wear belts & don’t offer to buy rude coworkers frappacinos.
I believe I can not fully comprehend the details of this story without an accompanying photo montage of some sort. If the photos are, of necessity, only of a reenactment, that’s accpetable as well.
Unfortunately (for you), the said pretty white linen skirt has since been taken in by my trusty tailor. If you’d like to mail me a larger skirt for the reenactment please address the package to:
KateSmack
1067 Youreaperv Dr.
Bitethewall, CA 91564
I must disagree with your admonition that others take your mishap as a reason to wear underwear. Why miss out on such an exhilerating tale? (Or an exhilerating tail, as the case may be…)
I’ve purchased said skirt. I’ll just need your credit card number, a valid bank draft, a photocopy of the deed to your car, and three forms of identification in order to verify the shipping.
Awesome! I happen to have all of that information at my finger-tips since I recently responded to an amazing email informing me that they will issue me an AUTHENTIC college degree for the low price of $100. And all I had to do was send them a hundred bucks, my credit card number, a valid bank draft, a photocopy of the deed to my car, and three forms of identification in order to verify the shipping.
You are SUCH a sucker. Sheesh. Didn’t anyone ever tell you to check things out before making important purchases? I mean, if you’d spent even a MOMENT researching the situation, you would have found out what a scam that was.
There’s no WAY that an authentic college degree should cost you more than $50. $75 tops. Well, I guess there’s one of you born every minute.
