The Blue Jay Death Spiral: Fuck Godfrey, Fuck Ricciardi, Fuck Rios, Fuck Fuck Fuck

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve got the official Toronto Blue Jays website open right now in the other tab. In the “Headlines” frame, here are the eight noteworthy stories (one is related to MLB in general, not the Jays specifically) in the order you see here.

Story: Gibbons Out, Gaston Returns To Blue Jays
Story: Gibbons Gives Thanks To Blue Jays

Context: The team fired its manager (John Gibbons) and most of the coaching staff and hired a guy (Cito Gaston) who managed them to a World Series win 15 years ago.

What This Means: They simply have no fucking clue why the team is horrible, so they just randomly fired guys and rehired some guys who were successful back when a 14,400 baud modem was the height of computer connectivity. Gaston was hired largely because he was handy. Is this a desperation move, made solely to put on the appearance of doing something, anything, for JP Ricciardi to hold on to his job for a few more weeks? Is the Pope Catholic?

The only classy move is Gibbons thanking the team publicly for the chance to manage them these past four years. It is noteworthy that the guy who comes out looking the classiest is the guy who just two seasons ago got into two fights, both with members of his own team.

Therefore: Management is fucked.

Story: Jays’ Hill’s return unlikely in the near future

Context: Second baseman Aaron Hill was hit in the head in a collision three weeks ago, and due to post-concussion syndrome has been unable to play since and there is no indication this will change anytime soon.

What This Means: They may have lost their young, awesome-fielding second baseman for the season, or maybe forever, who knows. The team has no good second basemen in the minors.

Therefore: The infield is fucked.

Story: Jays Not Surprised By Manager’s Dismissal

Context: See above.

*What This Means: * They’ve just accepted they’re crummy ballplayers.

Therefore: They’re all fucked.

Story: Dunn Rejects Ricciardi’s Apology

Context: In a radio interview, Jays general manager J.P. Ricciardi responded to a suggestion that he acquire outfielder Adam Dunn by going off on a bizarre rant in which he accused Dunn - who he later admitting to not even knowing - of not caring about baseball. Dunn refused Ricciardi’s hurried apology.

What This Means: 1. The Blue Jays, in addition to being ineptly managed, are also unable to project an image of being professional sportsmen. 2. Dunn’s comment that Ricciardi was “a clown” is saddeningly accurate.

Interesting Statistical Trivia: Adam Dunn, by himself, has more home runs (18) than the entire Blue Jay starting outfield.

Therefore: The general manager is fucked in the head.

Story: Jays’ comeback falls short vs. Brewers

Context: They lost again, in part because outfielder Alex Rios forgot the stadium ground rules and allowed Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder, a gigantic tub of lard who gets his name from the fact that he actually ate Prince, to waddle around the bases for an inside the park home run.

What This Means: Rios is a bonehead.

Therefore: The team’s alleged star right fielder sucks.

Story: Jays prescribe less stress for Rios

Context: The Jays have decided that the aforementioned Rios, who recently signed a six-year contract worth about $65 million, is playing like absolute shit, and so they need to take the pressure off him by batting his lower in the lineup. Rios responded to this by saying “I don’t care” and also claiming he does not know why he is hitting poorly.

Interesting Fact: Every single person who has watched Rios hit this year, including by 86-year-old grandmother who can’t remember details about things that happened two hours ago, can see he’s pulling his front shoulder away from the ball too early. “Why isn’t he keeping his eye on the ball?” Grandma will ask me. “He’s looking towards the pitcher when he’s still swinging.” I don’t know, Grandma. I just don’t know.

What This Means: Rios is stupid and lazy and doesn’t give a shit.

Another Guy Who Allegedly Doesn’t Give A Shit: Adam Dunn.

Home Runs By Those Two Guys: Dunn 18, Rios 3.

Therefore: Rios, in addition to sucking, is a fucktard.

So let’s review:

  1. The team sucks,
  2. The players have accepted that they suck,
  3. The management has no idea what to do about it except to hire and fire people based on how easily they can get to Pittsburgh in time for the next game,
  4. The team’s GM is a clown,
  5. The team’s classy second baseman is out indefinitely, and
  6. The team’s right fielder is a pinhead whose attention wanders while he’s on the field and who now appears to be a $65 million anchor.

Grand Conclusion: This team is hopelessly, irretrievably fucked. They need to get rid of everyone and everything and start over.

2

Well, there are a couple of pitchers I think we might want to hold on to. The team needs a major overhaul from top to bottom, though. What is it with Toronto sports teams and incompetent management?

3

I remember hearing on the radio on the way into work that Prince Fielder had an inside-the-park HR. I was wondering how the fuck that was possible.

Apparently this is how the fuck it’s possible.

4

I feel your pain Rick. Other than that, I have nothing to add.

5

If it makes you feel any better, my beloved Phillies have been dropping games left and right lately. First time in 3-5 years we had a great early season, and now we’re on our way to dropping our 4th straight series.
We’re supposed to suck in March/April, then get hot in June. I don’t know what to believe anymore. :frowning:

6

Well thanks for Reed Johnson. He’s working out just fine. :wink:

Go Cubs gooooo, go Cubs gooooo, hey Chicago whaddya say, the Cubs are gonna win today.

7

This was a good detailed rant, but I don’t think you will get a lot of argument over it. I will say I thought the Jays had the pitching to finish a solid 3rd in the AL east. I am shocked by how bad the offense has been.

I think I wrote somewhere that if everything went right and the Yanks and Red Sox had some serious starting rotation issues the Jays might be able to take the Division. Now we instead see what it looks like when nearly everything is going wrong for the Jays.

If it makes you feel any better, I know many baseball fans that have been mocking Ricciardi for several years now. Clown seems like a good term.

Jim

8

Is Cito Gaston the worst manager ever to have won two (count em, two) World Series? Not that the current mess is his fault, and he’s probably just an interim manager anyway.

9

As I pointed out in the June baseball thread, this is actually his second inside-the-parker. Next on Ripley’s believe it or not…

10

My wonderful little [del]Devil[/del] Rays are (okay, were) in first place. In June.

Therefore, all physical laws have been suspended or inverted for the balance of the regular season.

Don’t worry about it too much. Everything will be back to normal next year, (ie. once the Rays trade the entire young-talent-laden starting lineup for Ken Griffey, Jr.)

11

I can’t really say with authority who has or hasn’t won the World Series twice, but Gaston was a perfectly good manager for the Jays before, and was what they needed at the time - a huge change from Jimy Williams. Remember that when he took them over in 1989 they were 12-24, and ended up winning the division.

12

Oh, come on. It could be a lot worse: you could be a Mariners fan. We are in such dire need of rebuilding, it won’t be enough to dump everybody. We’ll need to fire the whole staff, hire a new team and management, and fire them, before the air can start to clear. I wouldn’t be surprised if we DFA the Moose.

13

I feel your pain, Rick. The worst thing about it is that the problems are so fucking self-evident, and nobody’s doing anything to address them. It’s beyond maddening, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.

Sincerely,
A lifelong Orioles fan

14

Oh please make it so. This Reds fan needs someone to take him off our hands! Hey, I’ll even throw in Adam Dunn!
Wait, he’s going to be a Blue Jay, i forgot.

RickJay, I feel your pain, but look on the bright side: you’ll be playing the Reds in a couple series from now, so you may get some runs against the likes of Bronson “Together Again” Arroyo and whomever our fifth starter might happen to be (although Thompson looked good against the Yanks yesterday).

Reds versus Bluejays may very well result in a game that goes down in history, as in, it being called a draw, 0-0, due to exhaustion after the 35th innning, with all pitchers on both squads combining to throw no-hitters!

15

Cito can have Mike Timlin back as the Jays’ closer again, if that will help.

16

You know, I was trying to figure out how many players who played on a Toronto champion were still around, and the TV mentioned Timlin was the last one just a few minutes before I read your post. They forgot Carlos Delgado, who did have a few at bats in 1993.

Timlin was 27 in 1993, hardly a young player, and has outlasted the following players, all of whom are younger men: Shawn Green, Pat Hentgen, Woody Williams, Juan Guzman, John Olerud, and Roberto Alomar. He’s pitched over a thousand games - he is eighth all time in games pitched - plus 44 playoff games, won the World Series four times with two different teams (and in fact made the final out of a World Series) and has been a hell of a pitcher most of that time.

Timlin’s had a heck of a career, really, but hardly anyone noticed.

17

That’s it. Between these guys and the Maple Leafs, I’m rooting for the lacrosse team. Who’s with me?

18

Eh?!

The soccer team ain’t doing too bad this year.

19

I’ve noticed, but he and Ken Griffey aren’t too far from the assisted living facility now.

great players, thank god when they’re actually done. Oh, wait.

20

Any chance the Jays would hire Grandma as a holistic batting coach?

Or maybe what the team really needs is a New Age psychologist to lead them into a winning frame of mind.

“gently rocking…gently rocking…gently rocking…” :cool:
Oh, and to help Cito Gaston regain the old glory days, I’m sure the Mets would consider a deal to reunite him with Carlos Delgado.