Now it came to pass that Can Handle’s weight did multiply exceedingly, yea, even off the bathroom scale did his weight go; and he was ashamed of himself. Then said Can Handle unto himself, “Lo, I remember the days of my youth, when I was handsome and athletic and the women flocked about me. Behold, I will go now, and rid myself of this affliction, and lose weight, yea, even many pounds shall I lose, that my life may be as it was 20 years ago, and all shall be well.”
(Oh Lord, when shall the vanity of man cease?)
So Can Handle went unto the merchants, even unto Walmart, and purchased there a mountain bike for a good and reasonable price. And after he had adjusted the bike according to his stature, he began to ride it every day. And the LORD was with him, so that he increased his riding time each day until it was very great – a whole 30 minutes.
But in the process of time, as Can Handle rode his bike day by day, his ass began to ache; and it was on account of the bicycle seat that his ass did ache. But Can Handle paid it no heed, and said, “Behold, it is but the crying of muscles that have never been used before; and now that they are used, they do protest; I shall pay them no heed, and bye-and-bye they shall be silent.” So he continued to ride, neither durst he spend any money to buy a gel seat, or any other such comfort, but continued to ride upon his sore ass.
And after many weeks, the pain in his ass waxed grevious sore, and increased mightily, neither did it abate at all; and it began to vex him exceedingly when he sat in his house, and when he walked about, and when he lay down, and when he rose up.
Then was Can Handle’s anger kindled against his ass, and he cursed it for all the pain it had inflicted upon him; and he said, “Cursed be thou, O ass, cursed be the day of thy birth; let that day perish; let darkness be upon it!” Thus did Can Handle curse his ass three times; and he took a rod, and smote his ass three times in his anger.
Then was the LORD very wroth with Can Handle; and the LORD opened the mouth of Can Handle’s ass, and it spake unto him; yea, even as one man speaketh to another, did Can Handle’s ass speak unto him; and it said, “What have I done unto thee, O Can Handle, that thou hast smitten me and cursed me these three times?” And Can Handle said unto his ass, “Because thou hast pained me so: and behold now would I kill thee, if I could, just as thou art killing me!” And his ass said, “Am I not thine ass, upon which thou hast sat since the day of thy birth, even until this day? And was I ever wont to do unto thee any of these things which thou art accusing me of?” and Can Handle said, “Nay.”
Then the LORD opened Can Handle’s eyes, and he saw that it was the bicycle seat, and not his ass, that was to blame. And Can Handle said, “I do now repent of all my sins which I have comitted against mine ass. Behold, I have sinned; what shall I do to atone for these sins?” And the LORD said, “Thou shalt get thee to thy bed, and thereon shalt thou lie for two weeks; upon thy side shalt thou lie, or upon thy stomach; but thou shalt not lie at all upon thy back, neither shalt thou sit up at all, nor get up for any reason, but thou shalt lie upon thy side for two weeks (for as thine ass hath two cheeks, even so shalt thou lie upon thy side for two weeks). And it shall come to pass, that when thine ass is healed, that thou shalt go up unto the merchants, even unto Walmart, and thou shalt offer unto them an offering, yea, even twenty dollars shalt thou offer up, for to buy thyself a gel seat withal, that thou mayest ride henceforth upon thine ass in comfort.”
So Can Handle did according to all that the LORD had commanded him; and his ass was healed, neither did it pain him any more. And he lived long, and prospered; and never was such a wondrous thing ever seen again, that a man’s own ass spake unto him face to face; nay, not in all the land was such a thing ever seen again.