The Canadian election is boring. Here's how to spice it up.

The Canadian election has turned into a boring gaffefest of “Who’ll make the dumbest mistake today” idiocy. No important issues are being debated. The outcome is really not in doubt. And the parties are so full of shit their molars are stained brown.

I believe they owe it to us, the Canadian people, to stop pussying out. Stop the attacks on each other and attack us directly.

My sister and I have devised new, innovative advertising campaigns we think will kick start each major party, get the public involved, and rejuvenate interest in politics and the issues.

We agreed that the **Conservative Party **should stick with the “Stephen Harper wearing a cardigan talking to the audience looking friendly” approach, but with a slightly different take:

(Stephen Harper appears on screen wearing a friendly cardigan in a friendly-looking living room. He smiles in a friendly way.)

HARPER: Hello, I’m Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada. I’ve been your Prime Minister for over two years, in fact. Two years I’ve been busting my ass, 70, 80, 90 hours, 7 goddamned days a week. I never see my family and I travel more than a trucker. I never see my family. And what thanks do I get? “Ooooh, there isn’t enough health care! Ooooh, fund my special interest! Oooooh, I want money!” It’s never enough for you greedy fucks. Do you think you could do this job? You lazy fucktards wouldn’t last two days on my schedule. All you want is more, more, more.

(Harper leans forward and looks into the camera, as if looking into the viewer’s living room. It’s now apparent that the button on his friendly cardigan is not a Canadian flag, but is a red and white button that says “Fuck You.”)

HARPER: You see what I mean? Now you want fucking tax breaks for your fucking mortgages. Look at that shithole. You could at least pick up the place, for Christ’s sake. But there you sit, eating Jos Louis and getting fat and watching reality TV and whining like the fat useless tits you are. You make me fucking sick.

(The Conservative splash screen appears with the motto, “Conservatives. Because you deserve no better. Assholes.”)
The Liberal Party of Canada is struggling with the image of its leader, Stephane Dion, who is percieved as being a wimp and out of touch with common Canadians. He needs to toughen and sharpen his image.

(Stephane Dion sits in his office with an aide on the other side of his desk. The video appears to be shot by a security camera in a corner of the ceiling. The aide has apparently just angered Dion, who leaps to his feet and begins shrieking obscenities in French.)

DION: Tabernac! Tete de marde! Vous fait nique!

(Dion comes around the desk, grabbing a glass paperweight, and beats the aide into unconsciousness, screaming further curses. About fifteen seconds in, a man - it appears to be Bob Rae - come into the frame from the lower left. Dion whirls on him.)

DION: You want summa dis, huh? You want some? Cause I got some, fuck face! Come get it!

(Rae, holding up his hands, backs out of the frame.)

DION: Yeah, you go! You don’t wan nunna dis!

(Dion goes back around his desk, pausing to kick the aide, who does not appear to be breathing.)

Close to the Liberal splash screen.

“Stephane Dion. Dude’s fuckin’ crazy.”
The New Democratic Party, Canada’s longtime third party, is led by Jack Layton. Layton has a reputation for being a decent man but, like most NDP leaders, is a pompous little socialist shit who simply will not shut up. His wordiness bores people. We’ve decided he needs a less verbal approach, which we’re proposing a concept campaign of five interrrelated television ads.

Ad 1:

(Jack Layton appears on screen in front of a pleasant Canadian lake. He says nothing. He simply grins wordlessly at the camera and gives the audience the finger. This runs for thirty seconds with no captions of any sort.)

Ad 2:

(Jack Layton is now standing on a Toronto street corner. Next to him is a hobo begging for change. Layton grins at the camera and gives it the finger for the full thirty seconds.)

Ad 3:

(Jack Layton on the same corner with the same hobo, but it appears that the hobo has been beaten up and his change cup is empty. Layton grins at the camera and gives it the finger for the full thirty second.)

Ad 4:

(Jack Layton sitting on his sofa at home watching what sounds like, from the muffled TV volume, a hockey game. He is eating potato chips with his left hand and giving the viewer the finger with the right hand. It appears he is wearing the hobo’s shirt.)

Ad 5:

(Jack Layton sitting up in bed. Asleep next to him is some strumpet who is obviously not Layton’s wife. He grins at the camera and gives it the finger. About twenty-five seconds into the ad another whore comes into frame and hands Jack a scotch. He takes it with the other hand and tips a little toast towards the camera but never breaks with the finger.)
The Green Party is rising in the polls but has never won a seat in a federal election before. They need something a little ominous and urgent.

(A black screen superimposed only with the words “THE GREEN PARTY. AND THEN THE SURVIVORS SHALL ENVY THE DEAD.”)
We didn’t come up with any ads for the Bloc Quebecois. They’re insulting enough as it is.

God, it’d be like voting for my dad in 1981 :stuck_out_tongue:

All together with McLean and McLean’s little ditty now:

Anyway, as far as what’s being debated it really has turned into a game of who will provide the largest empty promises to whomever at this point, isn’t it?

Layton wants to create a comprehensive national child care plan, and a national home care program for the elderly. Fuck you Jack. You have kids, you pay for the little pricks. And if you haven’t planned for your retirement, it ain’t my fault.

Dion will magically transfer taxes to those nasty businesses who are providing us with needed energy, and it won’t cost us a thing, either personally or economically. We’ll just waive the magic CO2 wand and become a nicer country with lower personal taxes and no job losses, all at once.

May will shut down all nuclear and coal fired power plants in Canada. She’s convinced we’ll find efficiencies to cover the losses. Ch’yeah right.

Harper’s made some outlandish statements regarding pledges to Ford, et al, but seems to be the only one with his head screwed on straight when it comes down to choosing the right economic path for the country.

Fun times…

Hell, I’d vote Liberal if they ran that ad.

I am curious as to see how RickJay would see an ad by the Marijuana Party.

Ah, Rick and I came up with that one a loooong time ago. I believe it was members of the marijuana party, hotboxed in some basement, and slowly one of them looks over to the camera, flashes the peace sign, and with a watery grin drawls:

“Marijuana partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.

The Marijuana Party could just recruit Dana Larsen and then run his web videos in their ad spots. :stuck_out_tongue:

Canada is having an election? So how do you guys do it up there? Do you have all the candidates stand in a circle around a moose, and whomever the moose walks towards wins?

No, no. That’s the Alaskan gubernatorial selection process. In Canadian elections you have to attract beavers.

Marijuana Party Ad #1:

<cue footage of Jeff Spicoli smacking himself in the head with his shoe>

Voiceover: “You hear that? That’s our leader’s skull! We’re so wasted!”

Graphic scroll:

Marijuana Party: All we need are some tasty leaves, some cool buds, and we’re flyin.

The Marijuana Party’s ad, whatever it is, should be to the theme song from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

Maybe a little Phish, too.

I’d suggest a campaign for the Communist and Marxist-Leninist parties (we have both) but it’s hard to imagine how you could get any more extreme than just being those parties. I’m staggered we HAVE a Communist Party. I guess they don’t get CNN at the party HQ.

Still, I think you could work with this, but you need some star power:

(Sean Connery and Sam Neill, in Soviet navy garb, stand on the conning tower of what appears to be the Red October in the scene wehere they leave port. That cool Russian song is playing. They repeat several lines from the movie. Suddenly, Connery turns towards the camera.)

CONNERY: Vote Communist, and we’ll build an arsenal of nuclear weapons, and then Canada will be ready to kick some ass.

(The title screen comes up. Communist Party Of Canada; Wouldn’t Nukes Be Awesome?)

The Canadian Action Party: sound of pump-action shotgun “If you need us, we’ll be in our bunker.”

I don’t know, the Prairies already got the equivalent of your Dion ad. CTV Newsnet and the 24-hour CBC news channel (Newsworld?) don’t do regional targeting, so I saw an ad with Dion bitching about how Harper’s financial strategy is centered on Alberta oil and if elected, the Liberals will bring jobs and prosperity back to Ontario!

Not to mention the late Anarchist Party of Canada (Groucho-Marxist). I note as well that the resurgent Rhino Party (now calling themselves neorhino.ca) still isn’t running any candidates in my riding :(. Got to vote for a real party, I suppose.

Screw this, who’s voting Rhino with me?

I’m serious. I’m totally prepared to write in the candidate and everything. I have never felt so much apathy about an election before–Stephen Harper and Stephane Dion could hold a drunken mudwrestling hooker match on the front lawn of Parliament while Jack Layton tootled around on a unicycle and I would not care.

Come on, guys. Let’s do it. Everyone vote Rhino.

I completely disagree.

We have a very broad range of parties for whom to vote in this election. It runs from environmentalist policies on the left, to conservative tax breaks for business on the right, and everything in between.

There are clear choices. If you can’t align with any party in this election then you’re not paying attention. There are four distinctly different parties running in this election. Pick one and don’t think that throwing out a protest vote will amount to anything. That’s a cop out because you haven’t done your homework.

I’m in.

Previous threads on the election:

Canada: It’s beginning to look like an election

The Canadian PM dissolves Parliament. Now what?

The Race is on! Canadians go to the polls October 14

Canadopers! Which ridings to watch in your area?

Do MPs in the UK, Canada and Australia normally live in their constituencies?

What happens if a parliamentary leader loses his seat?

Dion was in Calgary tonight - I seriously wanted to go to the [del]bloodbath[/del] event. But, you know, it was “Heroes” season premiere, …

That’s not the whole plan - the whole plan is

I think their ad should be “Green Party - we’ll put a politician in every house for your hot air heating.”