The Canadian election has turned into a boring gaffefest of “Who’ll make the dumbest mistake today” idiocy. No important issues are being debated. The outcome is really not in doubt. And the parties are so full of shit their molars are stained brown.
I believe they owe it to us, the Canadian people, to stop pussying out. Stop the attacks on each other and attack us directly.
My sister and I have devised new, innovative advertising campaigns we think will kick start each major party, get the public involved, and rejuvenate interest in politics and the issues.
We agreed that the **Conservative Party **should stick with the “Stephen Harper wearing a cardigan talking to the audience looking friendly” approach, but with a slightly different take:
(Stephen Harper appears on screen wearing a friendly cardigan in a friendly-looking living room. He smiles in a friendly way.)
HARPER: Hello, I’m Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada. I’ve been your Prime Minister for over two years, in fact. Two years I’ve been busting my ass, 70, 80, 90 hours, 7 goddamned days a week. I never see my family and I travel more than a trucker. I never see my family. And what thanks do I get? “Ooooh, there isn’t enough health care! Ooooh, fund my special interest! Oooooh, I want money!” It’s never enough for you greedy fucks. Do you think you could do this job? You lazy fucktards wouldn’t last two days on my schedule. All you want is more, more, more.
(Harper leans forward and looks into the camera, as if looking into the viewer’s living room. It’s now apparent that the button on his friendly cardigan is not a Canadian flag, but is a red and white button that says “Fuck You.”)
HARPER: You see what I mean? Now you want fucking tax breaks for your fucking mortgages. Look at that shithole. You could at least pick up the place, for Christ’s sake. But there you sit, eating Jos Louis and getting fat and watching reality TV and whining like the fat useless tits you are. You make me fucking sick.
(The Conservative splash screen appears with the motto, “Conservatives. Because you deserve no better. Assholes.”)
The Liberal Party of Canada is struggling with the image of its leader, Stephane Dion, who is percieved as being a wimp and out of touch with common Canadians. He needs to toughen and sharpen his image.
(Stephane Dion sits in his office with an aide on the other side of his desk. The video appears to be shot by a security camera in a corner of the ceiling. The aide has apparently just angered Dion, who leaps to his feet and begins shrieking obscenities in French.)
DION: Tabernac! Tete de marde! Vous fait nique!
(Dion comes around the desk, grabbing a glass paperweight, and beats the aide into unconsciousness, screaming further curses. About fifteen seconds in, a man - it appears to be Bob Rae - come into the frame from the lower left. Dion whirls on him.)
DION: You want summa dis, huh? You want some? Cause I got some, fuck face! Come get it!
(Rae, holding up his hands, backs out of the frame.)
DION: Yeah, you go! You don’t wan nunna dis!
(Dion goes back around his desk, pausing to kick the aide, who does not appear to be breathing.)
Close to the Liberal splash screen.
“Stephane Dion. Dude’s fuckin’ crazy.”
The New Democratic Party, Canada’s longtime third party, is led by Jack Layton. Layton has a reputation for being a decent man but, like most NDP leaders, is a pompous little socialist shit who simply will not shut up. His wordiness bores people. We’ve decided he needs a less verbal approach, which we’re proposing a concept campaign of five interrrelated television ads.
Ad 1:
(Jack Layton appears on screen in front of a pleasant Canadian lake. He says nothing. He simply grins wordlessly at the camera and gives the audience the finger. This runs for thirty seconds with no captions of any sort.)
Ad 2:
(Jack Layton is now standing on a Toronto street corner. Next to him is a hobo begging for change. Layton grins at the camera and gives it the finger for the full thirty seconds.)
Ad 3:
(Jack Layton on the same corner with the same hobo, but it appears that the hobo has been beaten up and his change cup is empty. Layton grins at the camera and gives it the finger for the full thirty second.)
Ad 4:
(Jack Layton sitting on his sofa at home watching what sounds like, from the muffled TV volume, a hockey game. He is eating potato chips with his left hand and giving the viewer the finger with the right hand. It appears he is wearing the hobo’s shirt.)
Ad 5:
(Jack Layton sitting up in bed. Asleep next to him is some strumpet who is obviously not Layton’s wife. He grins at the camera and gives it the finger. About twenty-five seconds into the ad another whore comes into frame and hands Jack a scotch. He takes it with the other hand and tips a little toast towards the camera but never breaks with the finger.)
The Green Party is rising in the polls but has never won a seat in a federal election before. They need something a little ominous and urgent.
(A black screen superimposed only with the words “THE GREEN PARTY. AND THEN THE SURVIVORS SHALL ENVY THE DEAD.”)
We didn’t come up with any ads for the Bloc Quebecois. They’re insulting enough as it is.
